To want my DH to give a shit?

[Psynonym]

Yesterday was our only full day as a family this week as DH was working saturday am. We were supposed to go out for the day (to a garden centre as DHs client wants him to buy plants for a landscaping job).
We got 10 mins down the road and DH announced he didn't feel well and had a bad back so didn't think it's a good idea to go. We trundle around a local park with DS (3) instead for a bit and head home. I was a bit hacked off but said, let's salvage something from the day: you potter around with DS in the garden, I'll get some jobs done and cook a nice meal, then we can all have some free time together, eat as a family, put DS to bed and have an evening to ourselves with a glass of wine. I'm told we can't afford to buy wine (see below) but ok to the rest. 20mins later DH gets annoyed with something DS has done in the garden and sends him inside. I then do housework and cook a meal while entertaining DS, like I do every other day, while DH spends his whole afternoon pottering in the garden. We eat, I put DS to bed and DH goes in the bath for the rest of the evening.

Today DH has unexpectedly taken a day off work (he's self employed) to go walking up a mountain with his mates. This is the secod time in a month. I am at home, as usual, with DS.

This has irked me. Not only is it a bit rich after yesterday: on top of that we are broke until Sept when DS goes to school and I start work. So much so that I have to scrimp and save on food shopping (£30 pw for three ppl +2 pets inc EVERYTHING), can't afford to take DS out anywhere that charges, have very few clothes that aren't full of holes, crap furniture we can't afford to replace etc. I generally ask before I spend anything because I have no money of my own and DH gets all moral high ground if he deems anything I spend from the joint account frivolous (soft play for example) yet he decides without consultation that he can piss a days wages up the wall to go on a hike.

One of DHs walking mates is a teacher. Came to our wedding, knows me a bit but we're not close friends. I need "a professional" to counter sign an ID form for a uni application. After 3 yrs as a SAHM doing shit part time jobs I'm trying to up my professional game a get a post grad qualification that will mean I can earn much more for the rest of my working life. Think PGCE/Reg nurse/Social worker type certification. I don't really know anyone who can sign this form myself as only lived in this part of the Uk for 3yrs, all while having a small child, so networks aren't great. I asked DH if he could take the form on his walk for his mate to sign and he said no. Apparently it's a weird thing to ask and too much of a faff.

It's my birthday next week and we have no plans. Our only sitters are PIL who have said they will have DS if we let them know when etc. I haven't organised anything because I have no money and DH says we can't really afford to go out in the eve, and he can't afford to take a day off work (see above!).

AIBU to think my DH just doesn't actually care about me and my life at all as long as I'm here to look after DS, cook, clean and do household admin? I'm so fed up with it. We were best mates and had a great relationship before DS. Now I just feel like a drudge.

I am determined that, once DS is in ft school I will have my own money and have even thought lf stashing some away for myself so that, if thi gs don't change, I'm not trapped in this shitty existance forever. An I being melodramatic?

Yikes, sorry that's so long. I'm rambling with rage.

Reading that, my feeling is that you are correct, he doesn’t care

Very minor potentially helpful contribution: if the pets are registered with a local vet and they have ever clapped eyes on you you could ask them to sign the ID. I've done a few driving licence photo signatures for clients but we don't get asked so often that it's a bother. You don't really need to get them anything for doing it though if you felt the need to then you could give them one of those big bars of Galaxy you can often get for £1, to share with the vet nurses at break time.
Nothing to lose by asking, the worst that would happen is that they say no.

He’s an arse. Please make sure you’re doubling-up on contraception.

Beachcomber1 Hahahahaha!

Sorry.

That is such a non issue. 1. Can't remember the last time we had sex. 2. Post menopausal (in my 30s. Joy.) after emergency hysto after I was v ill having DS.

So contraception not really on the radar. But I appreciate the sentiment of what you're saying.

YANBU

Sorry but your life sounds shit.
My DH is disabled and has limited mobility but makes more effort with us as a couple than your DH.

I'd ask him to attend therapy with you, so you can find a better way to be heard.
You seem to be sad, upset, angry and hurt and he will just be defensive or dismissive. Maybe with someone else helping, he can see that.

Reading that actually made me angry on your behalf, OP. He sounds like an absolute dick. Doesn't want to do anything unless it's on his terms. Can your GP sign the form for you? I think the sooner you sort yourself out financially the better.

Ask your GP, dentist or any other professional you have come into contact to sign the form. Hell I'd write a white lie and sign it for you if I lived nearby. Your 'D'H sounds like a dick.

What kind of work will you be starting in Sept and is this in conjunction with your studies? It doesn't sound as if your DH will be particularly supportive re. the demands on your time when you are juggling DS/study/work.

Sit him down and point out "how too ill" he was to spending a day together then he manipulated the situation so you're caring for your child again and he goes out next day to climb a fucking mountain! It's very apparent his priorities lie elsewhere. I'm sorry about your upcoming birthday-a homemade cake is cheap as well as a card which I consider the bare minimum

How on earth are you feeding 2 adults, a child and 2 pets with £30 a month?

Do you know what the finances are like or does DH give you an allowance ?

This sounds like abuse to me

Yanbu - he’s selfish and boring and not interested in your needs or wants at all. I don’t blame you at all for wanting out of the relationship

So sorry OP. Good luck with your studies.

Get your qualification then you can become self sufficient.

He's checked out of the relationship, and opted out of his family life. More fool him, his loss.

Start your escape plan now, so by the time you've done your qualification and have a new job, you will have options.

I can’t even begin to say what a selfish wankstain he is......just don’t have adequate words.....

Why are you with this cuntweasel?

Feeding us on £30 a week isn't that hard. We're all veggies so no meat. Lots of lentils and rice and cheap fresh veg. We grow a bit ourselves. Takes some thought but you get used to it. It's mainly boring tbh.

I have seen the finances. We are genuinely skint, DH isn't making that up for shits and giggles. But his wages
go into his account and he transfers what's left after bills/what's essential into our joint acc each month. He has an overdraft facility that he doesn't dip into and just less than a grand is savings for emergencies. He has access to that and I don't, so if he sees fit to use them for a 'treat' he can, but I can't. I have to ask and am usually told no because he thinks the things I want aren't necessities. He isn't at home all week with a 3 yr old so he doesn't know what that's like, in the countryside, away from my family and most of my friends. It's the power imbalance of that that's a problem.

Why am i with him? We met and fell in love in our twenties. He was kind and gentle, interesting, clever, funny and we had a great time. He became my best friend.
Things are different now we have the pressures of a family and no money. I have been through a lot physically and mentally and that's affected him too. I guess he's worn down and bored by the monotony of family life. He grew up in a house with a single mother so has no model of what a partnership, give and take, taking care of each other when the chips are down whilst also parenting and running a household looks like.

So he's not a two dimensional arsehole (few people are). I still love the man I married. I just don't see much of him anymore. Everything I said in my OP still stands.

Is it just a tough phase? Or are we doomed? I don't know but either way it's pretty miserable a lot of the time right now.

I vaguely remember you from another thread
Did a search

And you posted a very similar thread this time last year.
And have multiple other threads about how crap your marriage is and how frustrating your husband is

To be honest it seems like he doesn’t love you. And you’re not keen on him.

But I suspect that you’ll be back here in 1/2/3 etc years posting same old stuff

AIBU to think my DH just doesn't actually care about me and my life at all as long as I'm here to look after DS, cook, clean and do household admin?

YANBU

Demand the equivalent money from your joint savings as he had for his hike.

It doesn't sound like he is the man you fell in love with anymore.
You can't make him become that person again - he needs to want to.
Have you talked to him and asked what future he sees for you? Could you write a letter calmly and give it to him to read and set down what you miss about your relationship?

Be prepared for it not to work though. What are your exit plans if he refuses to engage?

If he's self employed and you're always skint as a family is it not time he found a better paid job?

Tell me you at least keep the child benefit? Do you believe the finances? Being self employed he can easily keep cash aside for himself. There’s savings that you have no access to and your wearing clothes with holes in them and your child? Has he no fuckin decency?
He is a selfish arsehole.

Amibe8ngdaft81 I have posted twice before in recent months. Things have built up over time. In my second thread I linked to the first.

I don't understand - am I supposed to only post once? Do other people go from having a perfect marriage to LTB in the space of one MN thread and then never speak of it again? Because bog things in life like a marriage feel much more slow to progress and difficult than that to me

OP, do you know though what he spends his money on? And, is he actually up a mountain with his mates? It's just - no sex, lack of money, sudden time away with "mates"...sometimes it's because they're spending it (time and money) with someone else.

God op you don't sound melodramatic at all, I would be exactly the same. He sounds utterly shit.