To think I could get a dog

[jamoncrumpet]

I'm miserable and I'm lonely. DS is starting school in Sept and I have a 1yo DD at home with me.

I've had horrific PND this time around and have been really struggling this year with sorting school for DS (who is autistic and going to a specialist school).

I have always, always wanted a dog. Used to cry for one as a child. Have literally been waiting all my life for the right time to get one. I have GAD and animals always make me feel calmer. DH knows I want a dog and just wants me to be happy.

I know a dog would be hard work with young kids, but I just want one so badly. And I'm at a point with the PND where I would just do anything to take the focus away from how utterly miserable I am.

We have plenty of space, a huge garden, and live in the suburbs. Someone is always at home, except for pop outs to collect from school etc.

WIBU to be seriously considering this?

In theory, I think it sounds doable in your situation.

But I have to tell you honestly - we got a Labrador puppy in March (because like you I’d always wanted one!) and although I love him and I’m not giving up on him, he has not been good for my mental health at all.

I hold my hands up and say I didn’t realise what hard work puppies are. For the first few weeks/months, you won’t sleep much, which is terrible for your mental health. They cry, which is heartbreaking. They are so expensive (vets, training, etc). They jump up. They bite, all the time, and it hurts (that vision you have of your children playing happily with the puppy on the lawn? Forget it!) They chew and destroy things. They’re messy and smelly. You feel tied to the house. As soon as you get on top of one difficult behaviour, a new one arises. Walks aren’t lovely, calm and enjoyable, like I thought. They’re fraught - we have to watch him and train him constantly, as well as pick up and carry his poo, of course. I miss the relaxed strolls we used to enjoy.

I love him, and as I say I’m not giving up on him because we made a commitment. But if I could turn back time? I wouldn’t have got him.

I’m really sorry to be negative. I know how the longing for a dog feels. If someone had told me all the things I’ve just listed back in February, I wouldn’t have listened - I wanted a dog so badly! So I do understand. But I just wanted to tell you my honest experience.

Op l have always had dogs including with two babies under two, so it is perfectly doable...as long as you realise what you are getting in to..

Try walking someone elses (gentle)dog daily for a good couple of weeks and offer to dog sit daily for weeks too....then you will know if you are really going to be happy with a dog...

Dogs are such a joy and despite warnings about bills mine have cost remarkably little,

Food £25 per month
Insurance £17 per month

I am miserable without a dog but it is work and commitment. Quiet calm older dogs like retired greyhounds are much easier than a cockapoo for example.

You will only know if you spend lots of time looking after a dog...good luck!

Dogs are really hard work and puppies and autism don't really mix. My two with autism hated our dog as a puppy. He was noisy, unpredictable, he nipped, he stole their stuff and was a general pest. They lived in their rooms rather than spend time with him. Of course he is five now and they love him dearly but it took a lot of hard work and quite a few tears to get him like that.
We have a rescue now, she has been a joy by comparison, she was available to be rehomed with children. You need to look at smaller local shelters, preferably those that use foster homes but first I would advise waiting until you are feeling better and your children are older because tbh I found the dc far easier than the dog.

I would get one, but make sure it's a calm temperament. Millions of people cope with dogs and small children, don't they? and animals and exercise are both great for depression. I suppose it depends how much you want one. If you are really craving one, I don't see why not.

I would be being childish, @PixieLumos, if I just went out and bought myself a puppy without thinking carefully about the implications.

But I haven't done that, have I?

Just to point out - I am not going to just go out and get myself a puppy. If anything I agonise over decisions too much!

I am just asking for opinions about doing it in the future (in the next two years or so). I'm not even saying I will go out and definitely do it.

So I am grateful for all the thoughtful input on here because it's helping me a lot, but I am not being childish or impulsive.

Dog lover here! We have a dog (used to have 2) and 3 young children (oldest is 6). Our dog is 11, well trained and not boisterous. I still keep him away from our 1 year old (unless supervised) as she will grab at him (as babies do) and I won't risk her being snapped at or him being accidentally hurt - even though he's given me cause to worry, all dogs can bite. I mention this as you may need to think about how your puppy can have their own space away from the children. Our large breed dog who recently passed needed hours (and yes, I mean hours) of exercise until she was about 7. We had both dogs before children and spent hours and hours training them. Now I can't imagine giving all that time to a puppy as I just don't have it. We get the benefits now, and my family and friends love our dog as he's bomb proof, but only due to hours of commitment when he was a puppy and a lot of exercise. Would I get another dog now if we lost our dog right now? No. Don't have the time for a puppy and a 1 year old. I know this sounds odd as we have time for our dog (he's never alone more than 3 hours and comes nearly everywhere with us), but this is because he just fits into our lives. Walking him is easy as he's dog friendly has good recall etc. A puppy takes longer, going over training, lots of very short walks and building up, lots of socialisation, need to think about how you'd manage leaving them for any length of time and so on. Bascially they need a LOT of 1:1 attention. I would get another dog when my youngest is in secondary school, but not before.

Would I reccommend you get puppy? No.

My advice would be, wait until your one year old is in school. Then if you feel like you can do the training and sleep deprivation then go for it. They are an amazing addition to families and our children love(d) the dog(s) and vice versa but it's not the same as having a puppy.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I think childish wasn’t the right word, but countering a potential difficulty with ‘but I just want one so badly’, it’s just the first impression I got - but I think you are right and are clearly thinking this through very carefully, so go with your instincts. I’m not saying at all you shouldn’t get a dog, and can completely understand why you would want one - I have one and wouldn’t want to be without him! But I have a one year old as well and having both can be hard work sometimes - that’s without the additional pressure of struggling with PND and having an older child to look after who also has SN. Finding the right kind of dog to suit you and your family will be key.

I have severe GAD.
Although I love the dog and there are times that I enjoy dog ownership, on the whole, i regret getting my dog and don't think I would get another one.

DH says I only feel that way because it's bad timing as all my kids are young and I find it really stressful parenting them and I'd probably enjoy another dog when they are older.
I'm not sure, maybe that is true.

I wanted a dog desperately all my life, they were all I really spoke about, read about, watched programmes about etc.

I can't devote the time I'd like to to her really because I am too busy with the kids.
Although she is kind and gentle with kids I know she doesn't like the noise and she hates it if I tell them off which makes me feel guilty.

She is dog aggressive to boot though thankfully more of a grouch than an outright mauler but it is still a massive source of stress to me.
She makes me feel like a failure.

I get the feeling of wanting unconditional love from a pet.
Our puppy was amazingly good at night and didn't wake us at all. She settled really well but, even with two of us sharing the load, boy was I knackered for the first six months.
She's helped my MH loads but I got her at a time that I was doing well and still found it really hard.

Without being patronising, what about a different kind of loving fluffy pet? Something like a rabbit or Guinea pig that you can pet and stroke and feel that lovely relaxed snuggly feeling but without such commitment. Added bonus is that you wouldn't have to worry about them behaving with the very young kids as they would have the hutch/run to be in.

Cats are aloof and evil. Don't get a cat.

I have two dogs and they are, without a doubt, and along with my dad's dog, the absolute loves of my life. I had them both from being puppies and they are both breeds known for being calm and loving. At the risk of being flamed, I think that we make life more difficult for ourselves with dogs than we used to. I've been around dogs literally since the day i was born and we had a lot during my childhood and I continued when I had a house of my own. I never did all the training etc that people on MN seem to do and toilet training them was easy. If they cried they got a cuddle and from day one slept with me or near me. As they got older they became more independent. They get walked, played with, cuddled and talked to. They have always fitted into my life seamlessly.

In return they have given me more love than I ever thought possible. And understanding and companionship. My dogs sat with me through four failed IVF rounds and gave me a reason to get up the day after my husband killed himself.

They sat with my mother as she died and with my father in the days and weeks following her death.

They now sit with my mother in law who is terminally ill, on her bad days.

They instinctively understand my friends non verbal child and watching their silent, empathetic communication is a gift.

Saying that, if you have no experience of dogs, it will be a mistake to get one. No one should get a dog with the expectation that it will magically make you happier. That's unfair on any creature. However, if you want a dog because you truely want to have one I your life and will love it as unconditionally as it will love you - then go ahead.

I have rehomed a dog from a house with small DC but he was there before they were born and he did not do well with the change. I think that older dogs can and do struggle through the toddler years as toddlers find it hard to understand leaving the dog alone. The poor dog was harassed and the house had to have stair gates on every door even when the DC no longer need them to keep them all apart which drove my relative bonkers as the house felt really restricted. DC can’t eat on the floor/grass outside without the dog jumping and stealing their food so it’s a constant battle to keep them apart just enough!

My dog has helped both me and DD with anxiety and getting out of the house, she is 16 and we walk him together every evening which is lovely bonding time. This was the right time for me to get a dog as I have the time to give him my quality attention, not just him being there in the same house as me whilst I am distracted with DC. He also has free run of the house and garden

This is not me telling you no, just things to consider!

Look into whether an asd assistance dog is a possibility, sometimes they are trained, sometimes you are given help to train your own dog. They will have good advice even if you aren't eligible

ASD assistance dogs cost a fortune, and I don't think my son's condition is severe enough unfortunately

Unfortunately?! Severe enough to get a dog ffs. I am not wishing severe autism on my son.

It's been a long day.

@jamoncrumpet I think everyone knows what you mean. Don't worry. An assistance dog is great, but it won't be the family pet you want.

How much experience do you have with dogs? How is your child with ASD with dogs? Have they been around them? As I said earlier my friends non verbal child has an amazing connection with one of my dogs (a golden retriever), but that's one child and one dog. They don't have one themselves because it would be too much for their family.

My partner has Aspergers and also has a wonderful connection with my dogs, but again, that's just one person.

Only your family can make a decision, but it's not something to enter into lightly because this is a living creature's life and well being.

There are a number of charities that provide ASD assistance dogs without charge to children your son's age, but the waiting lists can be long. Assistance dogs are totally like pet dogs when they're at home, they are better trained and there are rules for the humans to follow but they are definitely available for tummy rubs and long walks in the park :)