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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is he cheating?

23 replies

maiafawnly · 21/07/2019 14:04

I know im not crazy, i know its happening. Our relationship has been "off" for a while. He says its down to my new job and the associated training, when im not working long shifts, im studying. He says because of that the house and gone south. Its true, it has. But i get no help at all, keeping on top of it myself is hard. He doesnt help, although he works less hours, no training, and brings in less than half what i do. He says this is because the children are mine, so he shouldnt have to tidy after them. Fair enough, but i cant do it all.

But i know its more than that. The intimacy in the relationship has all but gone. I can count on one hand how many time we have dtd in the last 6 months. He is always up late, until the early hours late. he often sleeps downstairs. When he is in bed theres do affection even if i attempt to instigate it - im talking just a hug, not even more than that. When he is in bed hell pick up his phone and then look what way im facing before he either unlocks or puts it down again. HE never ever lets me even see the phone screen. All notifications are now switched off. He has deleted his facebook account. His computer is now locked with a passcode. He is never back from work on time, and im talking sometimes 2 hours late. He randomly goes out in the day for a couple of hours - he says its to see work mates. He went to the supermarket which is 10 mins walk away yesterday and it took 2 hours. He has gone out again just and we had plans for an event happening 4-7 tonight, but now i can only meet him for 2 hours of it instead of the full 3. He has suggested 4-6 and then he can have the last hour alone time. He has suddenly started dressing better when he is out, shaving more and bathing. He doesnt look at me, like ever, no eye contact. He still tries to do our shared interests, but theres no conversation, its done in silence. Ill tell him i love him, every day, and he replies, but i dont believe him. I know theres something more. Im not imagining it. He says hes just stressed. But INBU am i? Hes cheating. Isnt he?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/07/2019 14:07

I would bet my house on him either having another woman or going to see escorts. I think another woman is more likely given he's dressing up. I wouldn't be telling him I love him, that's for sure.

EleanorLavish · 21/07/2019 14:08

No one here can tell you for sure whether he is or isn't cheating OP.
But he doesn't sound that great, tbh. Refusing to do housework as they are 'your kids'?
Living with a partner is about forming a fair and supportive, nuturing partnership. This doesn't sound like that.
Plus, I just couldn't deal with a ll the is he/isn't he crap.

UserUndone · 21/07/2019 14:32

Kick him out! He's not contributing to you, your home or your happiness.

Fcukthisshit · 21/07/2019 15:04

You deserve better than how he is treating you. It won’t be easy, but hold your head up high, tell him to leave and concentrate on building a life for yourself that makes you happy.

WeLoveToBoogieOnASaturdayNight · 21/07/2019 15:38

WTF?

Don't even need to go into "is he cheating?" part...

your first paragraph alone is reason enough to kick him to the kerb!!!
Today!

2toe · 21/07/2019 15:53

None of us can say whether he is cheating but you are quite rightly unhappy with the situation. He does not seem to be bringing anything in to this relationship, he is being secretive, uncommunicative, showing no love or affection, his attitude towards you and feeling that everything is your responsibility is quite frankly disgusting. If you are not happy then it’s within your power to do something about it. You don’t need proof he is cheating if you want to end this relationship, don’t let anyone take away your confidence, don’t wait for him to decide what he wants, you decide what you want, you deserve a partnership and love.

mussolini9 · 21/07/2019 16:12

You poor thing OP, that's a lot to put up with.
Whether he is seeing another woman or not, he is clearly not spending enough time with you, & that which he does is far from quality time.

Although I am more concerned about this: He says this is because the children are mine, so he shouldnt have to tidy after them.
When you choose to live with a partner, you take on their children too. His attitude is really shitty. He's not offering you any affection, doesn't shoulder any domestic responsibilities, & is flakey about pre-arranged events.
What are YOU getting from staying with this prince amongst men?

There is only one woman you should be thinking about here, & it's not the potential Other one ... it's you. Why would you give any more of yourself to a man who tells you, in effect 'your kids, your problem'? That attitude must seep through to your children, who deserved to be valued more highly by anyone in your life.

Opossooom · 21/07/2019 16:36

Ask him. Ask him if he’s cheating.

ThinkingThinkingThinking · 21/07/2019 18:36

He’s cheating OP. I went through a very very similar situation. Felt like I was going insane as he lied and lied. Until I found condoms in his bag (we didn’t use them).

ThinkingThinkingThinking · 21/07/2019 18:38

BTW I kicked him out, changed the locks... and received a message from the OW a year later to tell me he had started cheating on her. Men like this never change. Let him be someone else’s problem. Leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2019 18:40

Send his arse packing. What a useless piece of shit.

Merryoldgoat · 21/07/2019 18:45

My money is on cheating, but seriously, what do you get from the relationship?

He’s not supportive, he’s not a step-parent, he’s not providing much money.

You tell him you love him - why? What’s to love? How can you love someone who treats you so badly?

maiafawnly · 22/07/2019 09:54

Thanks for the replies.

I have asked him outright. He says he isn't cheating but talking to friends regarding how shitty it is here and the he over estimated how well hed cope with 3 teens that arent his. I get that, they are hard work and theres no let up. Their father isnt around so they are always here. Im sympathetic to his situation which is why i do all the work with them. They arent his. But i also cant change that. I wish i could! Id love nothing more than a weekend of quiet without them arguing or constantly on the phone!

I dont know if thats true, i cant shake the feeling he is doing more than talking to someone as i know he is lying about what he does when out of the house - and ive caught him lying previously. About money but that broke the trust. Ive tried really hard to work through that but i dont know.

Ive done everything he wanted. When we started talking he was going through a divorce and he told me why his marriage broke down and what he wanted. We were long distance for a while so had a lot of deep conversations about what we wanted from life and a partner etc. Ive done everything he wanted. Everything he said he needed in a partner. Ive done it and it still wasn't enough. I wasnt enough.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2019 10:02

Honestly OP - stop making yourself miserable with him.

You are fine. You live, you love your children, you earn, you survive. You don’t need to change.

Don’t define yourself by this loser - he brings nothing to your life except misery.

maiafawnly · 23/07/2019 21:18

Hes cheating. I found proof. I dont know how to be on my own. This is shit

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/07/2019 21:22

You will find that being on your own is fair easier and more peaceful than living a lie

KittyVonCatsworth · 23/07/2019 21:26

Stop tying yourself in knots trying to be something that in his eyes you'll never be. He's checked out. Regain some control and dignity by very calmly placing all his worthless shit into bin bags and showing his worthless arse the door.

You will get through this. You've raised 3 teenagers single handed, now that takes strength! This is brand new, of course you don't know how it's going to be or what you'll do or how you'll cope but hour by hour, day by day, you will.

Be kind to yourself, and get lots of support either in RL or on here. Take care xx

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 23/07/2019 21:26

Flowers sorry to hear that OP- but it cant come as a surprise.

You do however, know how to be on your own as you're already doing it. What you described above isn't a relationship, that's a nasty little man sucking the joy and soul out of your life. You really will be better off without him.

SlinkyDogDash · 23/07/2019 21:28

What proof have you found OP? Screenshot etc so he cant deny later. So sorry.

Merryoldgoat · 23/07/2019 21:32

You are free now. Take some time and you’ll realise he made you unhappy.

You’ve got your life back even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

Powerplant · 23/07/2019 21:33

You will feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Have faith in yourself and your children you CAN do this🌼

PizzaTaste · 23/07/2019 21:38

What proof did you find?

Brenna24 · 23/07/2019 21:39

You can do this. As others have said you have brought up three teens single handed. You are Cast Iron Woman. I know it may seem impossible right now but you will be so much less lonely on you own than with someone who is ignoring, gaslighting and belittling you.

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