Does 'You're Strong' Count as a Compliment?

[MitziK]

Backstory - life is shit. Has been for a long time, but somehow, I've always managed to pull a fucking rabbit out of the hat, such as being made redundant this week, but I've managed to get another job to start just after my notice period expires. This particular rabbit-plucking came about in the days after my brother died of catastrophic brain injury when a pedestrian on a Zebra crossing stay off fucking Instagram when you're driving and having to deal with the abusive parent and flying monkeys as well as a toxic work environment and somewhere between 3 and 5 hours' sleep a night.

Anyhow, DP in his customary obliviousness wisdom, persuaded me to go to an event that took us directly over the spot where the accident happened twice, meant I was stuck in full blazing sunlight for hours and was around the places I used to go with my brother, complete with his favourite type of music. Was mine, too, but it turns out that it hurts to hear it. Took hours to persuade him that 'I need to go' meant 'I need to go' (no way to get back without DP).

Pulled myself together and spent the rest of the evening quietly. Didn't have a go at him, I agreed to go after all, and I thought it would probably be a bad idea to avoid great swathes of town on the basis of one stupid fucking bitch with a mobile phone and a fast car incident that I can't do anything to change.

As we went to bed for me to spend the next five hours staring into the darkness wishing for oblivion, DP told me I have to tell him what to do.

I had an idea. A bit soppy, but I am feeling spectacularly shit about things and I thought it might help.

I wanted inane, vacuous compliments. Just a couple, something to counteract the shit running through my head from my childhood (which is quite close to the surface following the funeral/avian simians) - the soundtrack to my childhood, other than my brother's music, as he was actually the only one who was ever nice/kind to me and used to try and give me shelter in his bedroom, was that I was fat, ugly, stupid, etc, etc. Basically, I wanted to hear DP murmur somelike like 'You're beautiful, I love you', blah, blah, blah whilst stroking my hair, so I could hopefully go to sleep.

I got 'you're strong. I'm too tired for this, I've been upset because you were upset and I've had lots to eat, so I'm going to sleep'. Which he did.

I'm still pissed off by this now. I've been awake since 6 (got a whole 2.5 hours sleep, yay me), he's still snoring.

Would it have really been so hard to go for something a bit more superficial, but personal? I did say that I was feeling crap about myself and wanted to hear something reassuring. Not that I'll be fine because I always manage to save the fucking day because no other cunt will.

Even typing it makes me think I am probably BU with lack of sleep, tiredness and the shit. But is it so bad? I don't want to be the fucking hero/responsible adult/the one who sorts everything out all the fucking time. Sometimes I am still the awkward kid whose only physical contact was being given a swift backhander above the hairline so as to not leave a visible mark. And I'd like to hear that I'm pretty or beautiful - or not a haggard beast - once in a while.

Ugh.

I'm being a prick about it.

You're not being a prick; you've been through a huge, huge amount of trauma and still have to pick up the pieces despite having broken parts of your own. I don't think it's possible to always be 'the strong one' unless you have great people propping you up; you might look strong on the surface but underneath your core is being eroded. Which sounds like it's happening.

Are you able to get some rest today, to take it easy and just spend a few hours doing something calm (or even napping)? And can you have a brutally honest conversation with DH about what you want from him?

Am sorry life is so rough OP. You need to tell your DP directly that you really needed him to do two simple things, which you clearly explained (to leave the venue and then to say some nice stuff) and he was too selfish to manage either.

Do you normally just soldier on? It might be that he isn't used to having to be supportive, but that is a poor excuse.

You aren’t being a prick. You’ve been through unbelievable trauma, and your husband was not in that instance being supportive. It wasn’t even the compliment that was the issue - it was the I'm too tired for this, I've been upset because you were upset and I've had lots to eat, so I'm going to sleep part.

Be kind to yourself

I’m sorry you’re going through all this. You deserve a big hug and someone to smother you with love and care for the day.

You are strong and that’s always a compliment but often, people don’t know how to do the soft lovely stuff for strong people. They think we don’t need it and we’re so strong and independent that we don’t need anyone.

What did you exactly ask your dp? Is it worth clarifying what you need from him?

I've been fighting against him holding on to the role of delicate, fragile little homemaker for the last two years. Yeah, anxiety is shit, but it doesn't mean you leave all the stress/responsibility to somebody else and then complain that they've upset you and you therefore need to rest only do things that you are comfortable with for the rest of your life when it gets too much for them.

I'm heartily sick of placatory phrases such as 'You're safe and cosy' (oh, how I hate that fucking word, 'cosy') 'and you need to sleep' (well, yes, I do need to fucking sleep, but try to leave me to do all the thinking - and it's hardly surprising that I'm still awake at 3.30am). Oh, and the fit of the vapours that occurred when I ripped into him for telling me he's a House Husband, as I don't want one, I've never wanted one and in any case, if I actually had one, I'd expect the washing up done before there's a toxic soup slowly acquiring sentience in the kitchen sink and more than five cucumber slices, three cherry tomatoes and a mini pork pie in a lunchbox when I'm working 15 hours without a break because Humans, Even Fat Fuckers Like Me, Need Food, was rather spectacular.

He is gentle, kind and will try to do whatever I say as long as it doesn't make him take responsibility for anything. But I'm not his mother or boss. I have no interest in having another pet to obey commands - if I wanted that, I'd get a dog. And 'looking after' me by doing the washing and vacuuming isn't any replacement for sharing the mental and physical load equally.

Oh, FFS. He's just asked me what he should do with half a pack of mushrooms, three eggs and some cheese. I've replied without a hint of sarcasm 'cheese and mushroom omelette?' and he's only gone and fucking told me I have to explain better than that.

Just as well I'm sat on the ground floor right now. Do I really have to stipulate how thick to cut the mushrooms when he's perfectly capable of cooking the fucking things? I don't give a fucking shit, I'll eat the cunting things raw if I have to, just don't fucking ask me any more fucking questions.

[takes deliberately deep breaths and considers getting on a train to the coast with a tent and never coming back]

Urrrrrrggggggghhhhh. He probably thinks I'm due on now. Or that I'll be fine if I go and have naptime. If he's even noticed the vein bulging in my forehead.

Feels like he's displaying the emotional intelligence and assertiveness of a mouldy dishcloth and the resilience of a glass hammer on granite.

He wasn't always like this. And I'm tired of it.

Couldn't he have just said what I asked last night? I was very specific, not emotional, not in any way volatile (because that would have set him off for hours and he'd have been in bed until Tuesday). I might have been able to sleep then, instead of having all this shit running through my head all night and day and interfering with the things I need to plan and do.

What happened to the responsible, mature, independent adult I met? I can't do this all the time, it's too much for my head to take in and I sometimes think it'll take me to keel over with a heart attack or stroke before he does anything probably dump me in a nursing home for the next twenty years and pootle around at home on my sick pay.

So fucking tired.

Oh OP-I am really sorry that things are such a mess. Your writing style is brilliant though, it's amazing that you have the capacity to make people laugh even from the lower and more fetid pits of Hell.

It sounds as though you need to have a Big Conversation with your DH, but probably not tonight when you are beyond exhausted.

On the upside it's probably better to get the difficult 'first times' (location, music etc.) over with now while everything's still raw anyway and that way hopefully it'll be less painful in future.
Strong is a compliment. The rest of the sentence negated it completely though.

expect the washing up done before there's a toxic soup slowly acquiring sentience in the kitchen sink

@MitziK you are hilarious, bright, tough, capable & my complete heroine.
I am so sorry about your brother.
Your DP is taking the piss, & rejecting every reasonable request you are making for him to step up & act like an adult or hell, even support you verbally with some compliments for 5 bloody minutes.

DP has become far too confident that you will pick up the slack. The only suggestion I have is that you stop doing so. Otherwise you are going to end up even more ground down & resentful.

He wasn't always like this. And I'm tired of it. He needs to understand this, & start dealing with it. Effectively & soon - or lose you.

He sounds pretty useless. You shouldn't have to be the 'strong' one all the time, especially at a time like this. I can totally see how that was the last thing you wanted to hear.

I didn't know how I'd answer when I saw your title but oh my god, you are fucking strong.

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you've had to deal with. You're doing amazingly!

Next time he asks you something ridiculous, tell him you could not give less of a fuck. It'll make you feel a tiny bit better and he might start taking hints...

He's a git.

I took myself off to wallow in self pity crash on the bed for a bit, he came in, I spoke to him a bit and then he said he was off to the shop.

Purely coincidentally (apparently), one of my mates phoned for the first time since all this happened within five minutes of him leaving, asking me why he hadn't heard from me for ages (I hadn't been able to say the words out loud and hadn't wanted to lumber him with my issues), but didn't show any surprise when I told him, just told me off for not calling him as soon as it happened. So I reckon DP had decided to phone him and let him know/tell him to call me.

And dinner is being done. Don't know what it is don't care either, but he hasn't asked me one single question about it for a change.

Going to meet mate for a coffee, etc, on Wednesday.afternoon and just talk utter crap for a bit hours probably, until his wife comes to pick him up.

I think that'll help.

@MitziK I hope you're feeling better today and that you had a nice time hanging out with your friend.

Sorry, just realised you're meeting your friend on Wednesday! Either way, I hope you feel better!