Husband uses diy as an excuse not to help with the kids

[laurG]

This is fairly lighthearted as I actually have a wonderful husband. However, quite often he decides to Go into ‘super handyman’ mode and spend his weekends fixing stuff. Lots of the time it’s not even stuff that needs done. Yesterday, for instance he decided to fix a shelf. Fine. But that turned into him clearing out three cupboards (that were pretty tidy in the first place), hoovering them, repainting the inside of them. He was then so exhausted he went to bed for three hours. Only one element of this job needed done.

Plus all the stuff was left out while the paint dried so he’ll have to spend at least an hour this afternoon tidying it up. It’s great that he does this but I can’t help but feel it’s a bit of an excuse to not help with the kids.almost like I can’t complain as he has been doing useful things....

I’ve had the kids by myself for most of the weekend now. We don’t have any family nearby. They are 2 and 1 so hard work.

I should say he loves diy so it’s not 100% a chore for him plus he listens to his music and has little tea and biscuit breaks while I entertain the kids. They are having their nap just now but will be up again soon. I’m shattered! I’m working full time too and quite honestly the thought of having a few hours by myself painting is rather appealing!

Anyway,I am very lucky really and probably being a bit jealous.

That’s not fair on you. Perhaps you can sit down each Friday and agree your priorities for the weekend? He only does the jobs that actually need doing and time is also allocated to him looking after the kids and you also getting time to do something useful that you enjoy? (Gardening? Baking?). You shouldn’t have to do this of course but seems you need to get him out of the habit.

Get ready to go out, sent the 2 year old to "help" him and quickly go out with the 1 year old shouting "Just popping to the shops". Come back 2-3 hours later.

My dh does no DIY ever
He could not clean out a cupboard if there was £1m in there.
He does look after the kids quite a bit though.
None of them are perfect.

Sounds like my neighbour's husband.

Spends every waking minute at home, on his rusty old cars, polishing and caressing them like they're more precious than his fucking kids, and knocking around in the shed and garden, doing fuck-knows-what!

She is a SAHM, and they have 4 kids aged from 4 up to 15, and he has never lifted a FINGER in the house to help, as he is always too busy with his cars/DIY. And if he isn't busy with this lot, he is busy with fishing or golf.

Good job SHE has no hobbies or interests eh?

@laurG YANBU.

May improve later. My DH waxes lyrical at every opportunity the time he spent as a small child sitting on his father's workbench watching him at his lathe.

You just need to get in there first. Next weekend grab your music, and go out and wash the car. Or start tidying out your linen cupboard. etc etc.

If he says anything remind him he did a similar job last weekend. Don't forget to have your 3 hour nap to recover.

Tell him today, now! That you're going out for a while and leaving the kids with him and when you get back later on there is going to be a discussion about the division of labour in the house.

That's if you want to go out that is. But nothing will change if you don't talk to him about it.

Good to hear I’m not being totally unreasonable.... I’ve just booked a gym class at 5. He can have them for dinner and bed.....

Tell him you want to swap next weekend. So you do the DIY jobs that are so important and exhausting, and he does the childcare that really isn't that hard and you don't need extra help for.

Obviously you'll expect tea and biscuit breaks (without children), and 3 hours in bed to recuperate after.

I'm being serious. What goes for him, goes for you. If he doesn't want to swap jobs, ask him why? If he doesn't want to do you job because it's much hard and less enjoyable, ask why he thinks it's fair that he should get the easier, more enjoyable tasks every weekend.

It’s about priority not simply that something is useful. What do you like doing op? Cooking? Sewing? Next weekend plan to spend 4 hours sewing the dc some clothes or cooking a huge pot of something delicious. It’s useful, and if he’s like you need to take the kids now, they don’t need clothes for God’s sake, you can say but that cupboard didn’t need emptying and hoovering and sorting but you justified it because it’s useful. Clothes are more essential than a tidied hoovered cupboard.
He might get the message...

I can't really see how these men are "wonderful" when you are exhausted and have had no break with only another week of drudgery to look forward to.
Do you mean he is nice to you and doesn't actually go out of his way to make you miserable?
I think all of our standards are much too low.

Painting inside cupboards? 3 hour nap?
He’s an absolute chancer!
Get yourself ready and go out without babies, I’m sure that’ll keep him busy!

3 hour nap??? Ridiculous. Make sure you leave early enough to sit somewhere peaceful with a coffee and cake before your gym class.

Tell him you want to swap next weekend. So you do the DIY jobs that are so important and exhausting, and he does the childcare that really isn't that hard and you don't need extra help for

This. Also, it's easy to fall into the habit with young children of one doing jobs or having time alone while the other does childcare. Even when it alternates and is fair (which it doesn't sound like it is for you!), It's important to have time as a whole family too. Do you get that on the weekend? We didn't for a while, and when we started prioritising simple things like a family trip to the park or for ice-cream, it made our weekends more fun and less about totting up how many hours we've each spent doing jobs / looking after children / having personal time.

I can't really see how these men are "wonderful" when you are exhausted and have had no break with only another week of drudgery to look forward to.
^
Women often say this about men who won't parent. Can't see how they're so wonderful myself.

Talk to him?

DH and I both sometimes nip off to do jobs as a break. We kind of negotiate this at the start of the weekend. Same for activities like gym etc. Often this is a case of doing things once DS is in bed in the evening.

Though I’d say that our biggest issue is letting jobs slide because we want family time. Talk to your DH about this- it’s not just that you’re exhausted, it’s that his children deserve to spend time with him.

My ex was like this. Or he would spend hours and hours at his computer doing his "paperwork" for his business so I never felt I could complain. He just became lazier and lazier. I remember mowing the lawn at 38 weeks pregnant, bloated and knackered, with my small dd glued to my hip while he did his bloody "paperwork". (Oddly less and less actual work seemed to go on). He was fond of long naps too.

Now we're long divorced and though as a single parent I obviously do everything now, my life strangely has since seemed like blissful peace and ease compared to those days

My advice would be to do a lot more things like booking the gym/ organising your own long DIY sessions and letting him know when he'll need to sort the kids out on his own. And be careful calling him wonderful, I used to talk up the good things too. I think it was myself I was trying to convince looking back.

Hmm, DIY is one of my preferred procrastination options, however I don't have small children and a partner around who need my attention.

And I don't take three hour naps! (After painting a cupboard? How big is the cupboard?!)

Maybe he needs to see a doctor about his unexplained fatigue?

I also do not get how and why some women make out their DH is wonderful, when he does jack shit around the house, and leaves all the childcare to the wife/the mother of the children.

As a few posters have said, I have known too many men who are too busy most of the time, to drive the kids anywhere, play with the kids/entertain the kids, or do any household chores. Some of them do utterly fuckall because they work, and wifey/mummy is a homemaker.

So he does his 35 hour week at work, has 2 hour power naps - four or five times a week, (because the poor iccle fing is exhausted from all his'work,') and then wakes up and spends an hour having a shower and a shit, then fucks off out to the pub, or one of his hobbies when he has had his power nap.

Meanwhile everything else is left to mummy. And she does twice the amount of hours/work/labour in any given week than him!

I even know some women who work part time too - 16-18 hours a week, and they STILL do everything. Their DH does nothing, because why should he, when HE works FULL TIME? Poor iccle lambzy wambzy!

As I (and several others said,) it infuriates me when these women defend these men and say 'he is wonderful otherwise...' And 'he is a great dad!' Errrrrm, no he is not . He is not either one of those.

Very craft. I would totally plan to go out next Saturday morning and arrive back late. Dh used to visit his elderly mother a lot on Saturdays and expac to come home to a home cooked meal about 6pm (while he sat reading the paper drinking tea at his mother) we had a one and two year old at the time. I nearly left him over it. But now he has learned the message.

Aw, you'd think he'd want to have some family time, does he not do any parenting?
He should be doing his share. Suggest you swop and you do the DIY or ask him to do it after work if necessary, so he can parent at the weekend.

Im sorry to say this ,but I dont think he is in any way "wonderful" Im afraid.You are working F/T with 2 small children, and he is doing odd jobs and having a 3 hour nap!.Next W/E tell him you are going out for the day !(all of you) and book something in advance !.That way he has to come with you and get to see his children even .While they nap have a sleep yourself and when they wake its his turn!.