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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice needed please - really worried

26 replies

Milkcup · 21/07/2019 11:18

I've name changed for this. I'm really worried about my sister. She has a toddler and is pregnant with number 2.

Her partner has always been controlling, checking her phone and questioning her whereabouts and who she is friends with etc. He had basically cut her off from all her friends. They have not been getting on for a long time now and things have gotten to the point where he has moved back to live at his mums but they say they are still together and he usually spends the weekend with her at their house.

A couple of weeks ago they had an arguement after their child had gone to bed and she ended up grabbing him by the arms out of frustration. I know that is awful as it is but that is as far as it went in terms of violence. She did not hit him or bruise him or anything literally just grabbed his arms. Nothing like this has happened before. He called his mum and told her he had been assaulted by her and she advised him to call the police.

He phoned 101 and reported the incident. My sister wasn't with him when he did this so doesnt know exactly what was said but when the police arrived 3 hours later they said they had had reports that she was drunk and they needed to check on the welfare of her child. They found that she was completely sober and the child sound asleep. She is pregnant and doesnt drink at all. The police were satisfied she was fit to be in charge of the child and hadnt been drinking. She offered to take a breathalyser test and they said it wouldnt be necessary.

Her bf claims they have twisted his words and that when asked if she had been drinking he had told them he didnt know and that possibly as there is alcohol in the house and she drinks when she is stressed! He knew she hadnt been drinking as they had been together all day. He has made false allegations in order to spite her and get her into trouble.

Obviously with allegations like this social services have now had to investigate and have met with her and want access to her medical records to check for history of alcohol abuse of which they have found none. Due to these false allegations she now has to have regular urine checks with her midwife to check for alcohol and drugs in her system.

I get SS have a job to do and completely understand that they have to go on the information that they get but how can someone just make up complete lies and affect someone's life in such an awful way all out of spite.

Has anyone else experienced a controlling partner doing something like this and do you have any advice as to how my sister should handle this other than being fully compliant with social services? I'm so scared that he can say what he wants and her baby could end up being taken away.

Sorry it's long and thanks in advance.

OP posts:

CacenCrunch · 21/07/2019 11:28

Are they still together? Your sister has to remember she has done nothing wrong, and SS will see that. They are not going to take the children away after one phone call

swingofthings · 21/07/2019 11:29

Your sister told you what she wanted to share. SS don't investigate for no reasons. Maybe she wasn't drunk then but they found a number of bottles in her kitchen. Who knows, ultimately, as a complete stranger, I am glad SS do investigate and rather over do so then missed on the welfare of innocent children.

Original poster

Milkcup · 21/07/2019 11:32

I totally understand what you're saying about only getting her side of things but SS are purely investigating based on the allegations made. I know 110% that my sister is not a secret drunk and this man is spiteful. He is now trying to apologise but the damage is done. It's very scary to me that he is capable of this kind of behaviour when he is upset. From a little googling SS seem to deal with partners who make false allegations a lot

OP posts:

Original poster

Milkcup · 21/07/2019 11:34

Sorry in case it wasn't clear he didnt report her to SS the police have to pass the case to them based on the allegations.
And yes she says they are still together because she is scared to upset him now she has seen what he is capable of.

OP posts:

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/07/2019 11:45

I would welcome SS's intervention OP not fight against it..They will soon see what is what regarding your sister and her family set up.I would suggest more work should be going into helping separate once and for all from her partner...This is not a healthy enviroment for her or her children or her partner for that matter.If the relationship has deteriorated so much they really do need to be apart.I am sure if they split properly they could parent better and more effectively without the constant animosity...Your sister needs to be brave and break free cos its really no way to live.I wouldn't worry at all about the SS's intervention contrarary to opinion its in everyones interest they interveneto investigate and to help ...give them a chance ..work with them and maybe your sister will find confidence to move forward without the partner,,

swingofthings · 21/07/2019 11:46

SS are purely investigating based on the allegations made
Maybr originally but there is no way you can know why they are still involved. There is no way you can know with total certainty that your sister is not drinking, that's why it is referred to secret drinking.

Be there for your sister and remind her that SS have nothing to gain fro finding things that doesn't exist. Thry have enough work dealing with families with known issues. If they are still involved is that they still require assurance all is fine. If they don't, then mbe there are indeed things you don't know about your sister.

Original poster

Milkcup · 21/07/2019 11:49

Thank you for your advice and I completely agree we want to help her separate from him. I think she feels trapped and also an element of guilt that if they are not together her son wont see his dad all the time but I think it is better that they arent together and share looking after him. He doesnt know I know about what hes done and I'm finding it so hard to not give him a piece of my mind but I know that wont help. God this is all so Jeremy Kyle and we are not that kind of family honestly!

OP posts:

Namechangedonceagain · 21/07/2019 11:51

I think your sister needs to consider being honest with them about his controlling and potentially abusive behaviour because if she is now being investigated because of him, it might be used against her when they do split when it comes to who gets custody of kids.

Namechangedonceagain · 21/07/2019 11:52

If she tells the truth and they can see that maybe he is the bad guy and not her then it might work in her favour. Also if they can see that the relationship is the problem and not jet as an individual then this also might help her in the future (as she won't be considered a potential risk while he's the innocent party)

Namechangedonceagain · 21/07/2019 11:53

*her, not jet!

newmomof1 · 21/07/2019 11:53

Surely social services are involved because of the alleged domestic violence - the reason he called the police initially?

Your sister needs to be completely honest and work with them. They don't want to remove children and only do so in the most extreme situations

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/07/2019 11:54

It isnt so JK !!! Its life lovely lady and it doesnt always run smooth or to plan.You sound a lovely sister to have,Keep supporting your sister and I am sure she will come out of the other side just fine,Thing is she can and will only be able to move forward in her own time.It might take a while because she is so vulnerable but she might see things differently when the baby is here.If they both do want to stay together then let SS put some family counscilling in place for them to address their issues and learn how to communicate with each other better,,The help is there but it can only come from them,

Original poster

Milkcup · 21/07/2019 11:58

The problem newmum is that he didn't ring and report domestic violence, he rang to report that she was drunk in charge of a baby. That's what is really scary about it. And as the police found when they attended was completely untrue. The case automatically gets passed to social services as a result. Social services did ask questions as to whether he is controlling and my sister said he can be. I am hoping they can see through it and they are following procedure. The midwife has also reported that she has no concerns

OP posts:

Original poster

Milkcup · 21/07/2019 11:59

Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate it

OP posts:

TheInebriati · 21/07/2019 12:00

Milkcup I know this is awful to go through, but I've been in a similar situation and it ended up working in my favour.
I got a written report from both the police and SS stating the allegation and the outcome. So I suggest your sister does that, and that she makes copies and keeps them in a safe place.

If things turn nasty later on and he escalates, he will be on record as having a history of vexatious complaints. Don't assume that won't ever happen, plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Ayemama · 21/07/2019 12:04

She needs to leave him.
If she stays with him then nothing will get better it will only get worse. Woman's aid should be able to offer support as emotional abuse and controlling behaviour is still
Abuse.
She will be so far into this situation she can't see out. I had an ex like him and it only got worse and worse.
Cooperating with SS is definitely in her best interest too.

Adultchild · 21/07/2019 12:05

It sounds as though he is following classic behaviour patterns for an abuser. Mind games and gas lighting.

The biggest problem will be separating them. Be aware that he may paint you and your family as interfering to prevent it happening and to further isolate her.

I suggest firstly get in touch with a domestic abuse charity who will advise
Second make sure no matter what you are there for your sister and keep in touch. In the end, the decision to leave/fully end the relationship is hers and you cant force it.

Best of luck :(

makingmammaries · 21/07/2019 12:07

Agree with the others. SS involvement is a blessing in disguise here, although it must certainly feel otherwise with the urine tests etc.

Original poster

Milkcup · 21/07/2019 12:09

TheInebriati thank you. Are the police allowed to give her copies of the report if he was the one that phoned them? I'm not sure how all this works!

OP posts:

TheInebriati · 21/07/2019 12:17

No, they are bound by GDPR, but they can and should give her information that relates to her, if you see what I mean. She can ask for a statement about the allegation that was made, the action that was taken, and the outcome.
She should also keep any copies of texts or emails from him that include an apology. In fact if I were her I'd email him about the incident and ask for an apology.

The police and SS will keep records of who made the complaint, and those can be used as evidence in court if she needs them. she just cant access them herself.

newmomof1 · 21/07/2019 12:26

GDPR 😂😂 everyone's obsessed with it now...

Yes the police will be allowed to give you documentation that shows the information you need!

CallieCat19 · 08/09/2019 09:23

Unfortunately people can just make claims to social services and there’s nothing you can really do about it. When I was pregnant I had a similar situation where a malicious report was made. My mum was friends with a man who turned out to be a total creep and was actually stalking her so when she found out she cut all contact. To get back at her he made allegations to social services that she was dangerous and my baby would be in danger which then led to social services visits before my baby was even born. I understand social services have a job to do but it is so unfair when people are targeted for revenge and there’s nothing you can do, social services won’t do anything even when they know it’s a malicious referral because it can’t really be proved and they have to listed to all referrals in case there is danger to the child. I get it but also leads to some family’s being unfairly targeted.
Very sorry your sister is going through this, just have to sit tight and know that she is a good mum and it’s just a rough patch she will get through

Suze1621 · 08/09/2019 09:44

Sorry, but I do think there has to be more to this. On the basis of one unsubstantiated allegation of being drunk in charge of a child, there is no way your sister would be required to have regular urine checks to test for drugs and alcohol.

ParentingFailsandPigtails · 08/09/2019 09:52

@Milkcup your sister could do with leaving, now. It is toxic and dangerous and not the best place to be with a chid and expecting. Try elleforelle.org.uk for more aid and advice.

Social Services are doing their job and it is good that this is the case.

It sounds like a really frightening thing to be going through, I hope all end up ok in the end.

H x

RedHelenB · 08/09/2019 14:19

You are not being told the whole story. The police werent called because she was drunk but because after an argument she assaulted her partner. And she may have been drinking. That's all you know.

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