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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS Friends Mum

26 replies

Atlasta · 21/07/2019 09:17

My DS has a friend who occasionally comes to our house to play. He has slept over occasionally. They are 9 and he is a good kid. Friends mum is ok although parents in a way completely differently to us and allows her son to go into town alone and cross busy roads and to play near local river etc which we certainly would not allow.
Friends mum has asked if DS wants to go on a caravan break with them next week for 3 nights and I know that the boys will be allowed to wander free with no real restrictions whilst mum sits in the local pub (I'm not being judgemental. It's a fact).
DS wants to go and to be honest I'm sick of making excuses when they invite him round to play etc.(He wouldn't be playing in their home/garden he'd be at the local precinct or riverShock hanging out) I'm running out of ways to politely say no and it's starting to look ridiculous and obvious.
WWYD?

OP posts:
hashtagthathappened · 21/07/2019 09:18

I think you can tell a version of the truth, just that ds isn’t as worldly and so you aren’t sure he’d be safe unsupervised.

TipseyTorvey · 21/07/2019 09:21

Trust your instincts and just say you don't feel he's old enough yet for that kind of holiday. I had the kind of childhood in the 70s your describing and I'm amazed I made it out alive. I'd never allow my dcs to be put in those situations now, the kind that arise when young children are left to roam near rivers, cliffs, roads or dodgy people. Yes they need independence and freedom but at 9 that still means someone having an eye out. So yes to going off to the campsite playground alone with 30 min check-ins but no to just roaming all day whilst drunk adults forget they have charges.

Pinktinker · 21/07/2019 09:21

Just say you’re away at the same time or have some other plans. I’m a bit of a wuss and hate confrontation so I’d lie to get out of it. If you’re more assertive then be honest about it, you don’t want your nine year old being left to wander around alone.

I’d be cautious though, you don’t want your DS to lose a good friendship over it.

TipseyTorvey · 21/07/2019 09:21

You're!! Sorry

MRex · 21/07/2019 09:21

How sensible are your DS and this boy? Where is the caravan (i.e. what hazards is it near; sea / river / motorway? 9 seems old enough for a responsibile kid to have more freedom, we used to roam about the countryside at that age and do dog walks although someone always knew where we were. For a reckless child though that's terrifying.

Orangeballon · 21/07/2019 09:22

Just say that he is a homebody and would be homesick without his family.

WomanLikeMeLM · 21/07/2019 09:25

Sits in the pub? Tell you what why not offer to take her son away instead Hmm

ellendegeneres · 21/07/2019 09:27

🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d be honest.

‘Sorry, but we don’t allow ds the freedoms that x tells us he has and would be more than a little worried about him going off on his own with x. Appreciate that your x is used to these freedoms and wouldn’t want to spoil his fun on holiday so maybe some other time when ds has been given more time to be used to that amount of freedom!
Have an amazing time x’

waterrat · 21/07/2019 09:28

Op I let my 7 year old wander freely when we go camping... Are you sure you aren't being too restrictive here? Could you have an honest chat with her and say he isn't worldly etc and ask how the kids would be safe what sort of hazards etc. Maybe she is more clued up than you think.

Original poster
Atlasta · 21/07/2019 09:35

Caravan is next to the sea in a busy seaside town (think Blackpool).
DS isn't worldly but is trying to act cool and grown-up. He would definitely follow this boy around and do as he says.
The mum would definitely be in the local pub that's off sight (I've seen her FB posts about 'can't wait to get to X for a few pints').
I know I can't let him go. It's too much.
I hate confrontation and my excuses really are wearing thin as if it's not this holiday it's asking him to a sleepover nearly every weekend when I know the kids will not be supervised and she isn't in a fit state to supervise.

OP posts:
chickensdontpocktheypeck · 21/07/2019 09:41

Well you need to tell her don’t you.
He can’t go, I don’t trust him unsupervised and I’m sure that would restrict your holiday if I asked you to watch him the whole time

pinkdelight · 21/07/2019 09:45

I wouldn't let him go in a million years and nor would it look at all weird or rude to say you don't want your 9yo going away without you. School residential trips aren't usually until y6 and they're most kids first time away from their parents apart from close family or a one-night sleepover with trusted friends. No way on earth would I let my DC go to Blackpool with a woman who'll be in the pub and who I don't feel able to trust to be responsible for him at home, let alone on holidays. Just say thanks for the offer but DC only goes on holiday with you until he's much older. And tell your son you're in charge and know what's best. Don't for a moment be swayed what what this mum thinks (as you have different views on parenting) or by your son, (because he's 9 and doesn't have a clue how the world really works, which is why he can't go and not be properly supervised).

Juells · 21/07/2019 09:47

my excuses really are wearing thin

I had a long-term friend like this mother, she and her DH used to wink at each other when one of their children would be doing something that I considered really dangerous, as I'd said things previously. Their children were frequently in A&E with 'freak accidents' - ie the kind of accidents most people could see were likely, and would take steps to avoid. Eventually I stopped my children going there altogether, just said 'we have different parenting styles'. I got sick of the eye-rolls and being told I was so negative, and the implications that I was causing accidents by not believing that the universe takes care of us all or some such shite. I was only sorry I didn't put an end to the visits sooner.

MRex · 21/07/2019 09:47

Just be honest then as PP suggested, "Sorry, I'm not comfortable giving DS the freedoms to explore that X has, I'm concerned that something could happen because he's still very young and not very worldly. Maybe in a couple of years."

howwudufeel · 21/07/2019 09:50

Just say that you already have something planned for those days.

NoSauce · 21/07/2019 09:52

Sits in the pub? Tell you what why not offer to take her son away instead

What, do you think sitting in the pub while you’re responsible for someone else’s 9 year old is ok? Really.

thethoughtfox · 21/07/2019 10:07

Tell the truth but you could phrase it as you are so jealous of how much they trust their child but you are just too anxious. You could invent a scare when he was younger or a horror story experienced by a friend or family member which explains why you are so 'over protective'. If you make it should like it's your problem, it's hard for them to take offence.

Original poster
Atlasta · 21/07/2019 10:17

We have taken her DS on many days out which is why I think she has invited DS to the caravan with them.
Thanks for all the advice. I know I need to put a stop to it all by being upfront despite knowing it will affect the boys' friendship as she is very confrontational and will no doubt take offense.
I will also put a stop to him coming over and sleepovers at ours too as I'm just not happy with my DS going to her house and it's nice she reciprocates but it's really not safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atlasta · 21/07/2019 10:19

Good idea thethoughtfox

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 21/07/2019 10:35

Oh dear it’s very awkward. If she’s confrontational it doesn’t help. Good luck!

billy1966 · 21/07/2019 10:37

OP, I can understand your hesitation but I don't think there is any way to avoid pointing out that you don't give your son the same freedoms.

Go with you gut on this.

The thing is when children have a huge amount of freedom at a young age, with little supervision, the likelihood of them trying things earlier is greater IMO.

If your son is in a little awe of his friend with so much freedom, you need to think how this will play out in a few years, during the teen years in particular.

The house with parents that are never there, with no supervision can be a huge draw for the teens that want to experiment.

I would be encouraging other friendships, particularly as you sound a little nervous of the mother. Not a good dynamic.

Good luck.

Mishappening · 21/07/2019 10:39

Just tell her - I know it feels hard, but I do not see what choice you have.

HiJenny35 · 21/07/2019 10:39

Personally I wouldn't be happy. Different people have their own boundaries and this would be past mine, I think he's too young. I would double up, I'd say I wasn't happy with it (so if they change the date you're still covered) and I'd say you were busy anyway so eveif you'd wanted to you couldn't, that should stop any "yes but I'll always have my phone and I'm on my 5 minuets away" conversations. And I'd state that it's not something that you would allow next year either so she doesn't ask again in the next holidays. Something like...

Sorry but he can't, we don't think he's old enough yet to go away without us and we have a trip on x so we couldn't anyway. Thank you so much for the lovely offer, it's so kind of you. Maybe in a couple of years I'll feel braver!

SkiingIsHeaven · 21/07/2019 11:51

I think you should let him go if he wants to.

He will have the time of his life, because more streetwise, learn how to assess risks and learn from his own mistakes.

Kids these days are wrapped in cotton wool and don't know how to deal with what life throws at them because all decisions are taken out of their hands.

lawnmowingsucks · 21/07/2019 17:10

I'd always make out it was 'my bad'. As PP says - just tell her some made up crap as to why you're overly anxious

No Point annoying her and whatever you say she's not going to change who she is

The most important thing is that your DS is safe (and doesn't go)