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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving on

25 replies

Pinkash19 · 20/07/2019 23:21

I have very recently split from my husband of 2 years. This happened on day 1 of our holiday abroad and very simply he was drunk, nasty and threatening to my 16 year old son who stood up for me. Since returning from holiday I have been in contact with my oldest sons (he almost 23) dad. We have meet up and have discovered we have strong feelings for each other. Tbh i have always loved him and believe This to be the reason that none of relationships have lasted for me. He has in last few months split from his wife. Can these feelings be real or is it because of how crappy we are feeling just now?? His family are aware of our relationship but mine are not due to only just leaving my husband.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 20/07/2019 23:24

I think you both need to take a massive step back. You've both just ended long term relationships and you're both still married. I would let the dust settle first before acting upon any feelings you think you might have.

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 20/07/2019 23:31

We have discussed that Ginger1982....it's just easier said than done. As adults we should have some willpower but just can't seem to stay away from each other.

OP posts:
freezation · 20/07/2019 23:47

What were the circumstances of your split in the first place OP?

EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2019 00:54

It can happen. You need to think about the reasons you split, why he has split with his wife, has he changed? Or have you changed?

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 05:25

In 22 years we have both changed somewhat, and over those years although not constantly in contact have always been quite close. I'm not sure what OP means sorry, but my split was due to H drinking, aggression towards my son, general behaviour on holiday. I was left with 3 boys (1 being my stepson) on my own all week in a foreign country. The minute he squared up to my boy I knew it was over. His split was down her leaving him, but since he is realising the years of mental abuse he has suffered. We have always been 100% open and honest and I believe what he's says and he knows it's going to take time to get his head straight and the fallout with my family will huge but I just dont want to lose this chance of us finally being together.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 21/07/2019 07:48

Why did you and he split up in the first place?

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 08:37

We were just too young... I was 18 and he 19. We had only been together for 3 months b4 I fell pregnant with our son. He told me it was over when I was 3 months pregnant. I was heartbroken but he didn't just walk away. He was always there when I needed him, attended all appointments and he would spend time with me as a friend. I always thought more of him for doing what he did than staying together and us probably ending up miserable or hating each other.

OP posts:
Tallgreenbottle · 21/07/2019 08:42

Go for it OP. You only live once!

RedSheep73 · 21/07/2019 08:44

OP means original poster (I assume). Mumsnet is full of acronyms.

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 08:52

Thank you redsheep73, I've worked out the others but that one stumped me!!!
I don't think I could ago now anyway Tallgreenbottle, although things are moving incredibly quick We are both really happy. My only black cloud is my parents finding this out, so soon after my marriage ending. I'm off the impression, mum anyway wants me to sort it out... but seeing what he did to my son immediately changed how I feel about him.

OP posts:
couchparsnip · 21/07/2019 08:55

I would take it slowly and see what happens. You are both different people now so treat this like a brand new relationship and not get too serious too quickly.

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 09:02

Yes we know pretty much everything about each other so it's difficult to treat it as brand new but I understand your point. We both have responsibilities I.e.other kids so won't be moving in together or anything at all like that but the emotional side is very difficult to slow down

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2019 12:43

Take it slowly, you know everything about each other but need to learn to act as a couple again, go on a few dates dates, take it slow, have some fun, then decide.
Leave the past in the past if you become a couple.

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 12:50

Thank you... that's good advice EmeraldShamrock. He's been to mine couple times but my kids already knew if so it wasn't really too bizarre he was here. Our son tho has found it very weird and didn't talk to me at all the first week.. he's kind of accepted what's going on I think and he and his fiance are barely here so I'm sure that will work itself out.. Just don't know how my parents will react

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2019 13:06

Just don't know how my parents will react
I would not worry about what ypur parents think. They think you made a mistake dumping DH for putting it up to your DS, I think you made the right decision without hesitation.
This squaring up may have continued, you're right to nip it I the bud immediately.
My Nieces boyfriend is 17, his stepfather often squares up to him over his younger siblings, her stepdads biological DC in the family.

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 13:17

Mum thinks I through away relationships too easy!! I've not had the best track record but my first husband left me for a colleague and i only left my youngest sons dad after 8 years of domestic abuse. The flings ive had since then and meeting H have all ended in my being cheated on so I really have never had much choice in ending these relationships. I do believe we have a real chance at happiness this time but mother is a bit of a hard person to talk to about emotions etc.

OP posts:
VivienneHolt · 21/07/2019 13:37

I think there is a danger you’re seeing this relationship as a life raft. For the sake of your kids I think you need to take it really, really slowly. I’m not saying you can’t keep seeing each other, but if you are planning to jump feet first into a committed relationship it’s almost inevitably going to end in disaster.

PooWillyBumBum · 21/07/2019 13:41

I think you need to control yourselves and take it slowly. You’re adults with kids and they’re already expressing upset at what’s happening.

If you’ve been apart this many years you can last a few more weeks or months whilst the dust settles or you’re just asking for drama.

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 13:45

VivienneHolt... you could very well be right. All my kids are older and I am always very open and honest with them (a lot of people disagree with the way I parent) but so far it's worked out and the boys have no hesitation being open and honest with me. I've been in love with my ex since he ended it almost 23 years ago... he's obviously still dealing with emotions from being in an abusive relationship but we have also only ever been completely honest with each other. If it turns out his feelings are only because I'm showing him a little affection then I am the only person that will end up hurt, but after all these years I'm willing to take the chance. Is that really silly?! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 13:50

You’re adults with kids and they’re already expressing upset at what’s happening

Think u misunderstood....our son is not upset.... he just thought it a bit weird and took some time out to think it over... I get that. He's a grown man tho and we talked things through... he knows how both his dad and I are as people and is now quite settled with the idea of us being together.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/07/2019 13:51

A dear friend recently reconnected with a teenage romance. Not as complicated a story as yours, their breakup was due to routine teenage 'stuff'.

His marriage had recently ended and they saw each other at her mother's funeral. Sparks flew and he told her she was the one that got away and that he never stopped thinking of her. They're trying to take it slow but so far are blissfully happy. So it can happen.

Take it slow, keep your eyes open. And your family can do one if they don't approve. We need to take happiness when and where we find it.

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 21/07/2019 14:00

Thank you AcrossthePond55.... I've also realised things I never saw b4, the nights I slept on the sofa cause H was in a mood, or cosy in with DS cause he wouldn't let me in bed, being left alone at concerts while he went to his sister's. I'm smiling for the first time in a lot of months. It feels good

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/07/2019 16:27

I'm glad you're feeling happy.

It's funny but my friend was worried at first then she said "You know, the worst that can happen is that I get my heart broken. Well, Lord knows I've been there before and managed to survive. It's worth the chance".

boosterrooster · 21/07/2019 18:02

If you were my friend I'd say F it, go for it, have some fun. You seem aware that you could possibly end up hurt. As long as you're ok with that and your DC's aren't majorly affected then what harm? I wouldn't worry about your mum for the moment, keep it quiet and just take it slowly for now.

I hope it all works out for you!

Original poster
Pinkash19 · 22/07/2019 16:54

Many thanks for your comments x

OP posts:
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