Disproportionately upset about ExDH's new dog

[madamehooch]

I can't decide whether my reaction to this is due to current circumstances or whether this is something others would be bothered by.

By way of background, I am currently in the final stages of ending my 27 year marriage. My (we'll refer to him as ExDH) is a good man who has treated me well and fairly financially since he left 3 and a half years ago. There is the inevitable younger girlfriend (the date of her arrival on the scene is a bit hazy). I have moved on though and have the most amazing boyfriend and a really lovely flat from my settlement. EXDH and I are extremely amicable and we have one DD 19 who has returned to live with me together with her boyfriend.

My dad died last week and his funeral was yesterday.

Just under 2 years ago, our dog passed away. This hit me hard as he saw me through my darkest days following EXDH's departure. He slept on my bed, licked away my tears and he and DD (then 16) were the reasons I got up in the morning.

I would love another dog but I live in a flat so obviously this is not possible.

EXDH is nearing completion of the purchase of a house with his girlfriend. It has a fair size back garden. When he came down for DF's funeral, he showed me a picture of it and I commented on the fact that he would probably now get a dog. He agreed but said he would never get another (breed of our old dog) as he was irreplaceable.

No tears so far

Today (it was a challenging day for a variety of reasons) DD informs me that EXDH is looking at puppies. Later this afternoon, I asked her if her dad had found one and she said yes and showed me a picture.

It is not the same breed as my old dog but as near as dammit. My old dog was a very distinctive colour and this one is the same. The name they have chosen begins with the same letter. It looks almost exactly like my old dog did as a puppy.

For a probably understandable reason, I feel very sad. I also feel very angry and hurt as if he is rubbing salt in a wound as he knew our old dog meant so much to me.

Bearing in mind current events with my DF and the fact that I have inherited two houseguests, am I being unreasonable in feeling this way oh wise mumsnetters or do I need to dry my very soggy pillow and get over myself?
.

I suppose your dog was exDHs pet too and maybe he is subconsciously seeking to replace him in a way. You could say he's trying to recreate his happier days with you and his family including DDog. Anyway no matter what new dog looks like or what she's called, she will never be your dog. But I suspect his is about more than your beloved pet - for both of you.

It’s really understandable, and I’m so sorry for the pain you must be going through about your dad.

But I think the dog is not an issue, really. You miss some parts of your old life and your lovely old dog represented that to you in some ways. Now your ex - whose actions cause the break up - has a house and garden and a new partner and even a clone of your dog. It doesn’t seem fair, and it isn’t. But I really think this is an emotional blip. If you freak out (overtly) over the dog it might seem a bit mad, whereas IMo the real things you’re upset about are totally legitimate. You miss your old life, with a dog and a dad and a house. It’s shit, I’m sorry. Hugs and

Where dogs and emotions are concerned, I think you could never be unreasonable. It's not really an AIBU question, imo.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I feel similar about my ex and his —much younger girlfriend— getting two cats. Feels like a betrayal of our beautiful dog.

Complete bonkers and irrational and unreasonable of course.

I can understand that itscalled. At the moment though it feels like his life is a lot easier than mine and now he's going to have a lovely dog that looks just like mine did and I can't have him too.

Childish and a bit stupid I know.

I'm probably going to vote that I'm being unreasonable!

You've summed it up perfectly for me thank you St Vincent.

I'd just dried my pillow too ....

I think you're going through a horrid time and this has understandably thrown you, but I don't think he has really done anything wrong in getting the dog. I don't think this would be upsetting you so much were it not for everything else going on.

Don't write off having a dog completely because you're in a flat. Plenty of people happily have dogs in flats. As long as you walk them plenty and frequently take them out to the loo they don't mind where they live.

I hope things improve for you soon.

In the circumstances YA ABSOLUTELY NBU.
Reading your post made me well up a bit. 💐for you.

I put YABU, but I didn't mean it in an unkind way as I do get why you're upset. I just don't think it would be reasonable to convey this upset to ex etc, because I don't actually think it's about the new dog. I think this is about missing your old dog, your dad, your old house, your old life, and it's a kind of reminder that those things are gone. YANBU to cry to yourself or feel upset.

Remember that however much like your old dog this puppy looks, it isn't your old dog - no one can take away what you had with him or the love you gave to each other.

You've lost a lot in a short period of time and I'm really sorry for how things are at the moment. But one day, sometime in the future, not tomorrow, maybe not even next year, but somewhen, you will be in a position to have another dog. That won't replace your old dog, but you will be happy again. Hang on in there

Yes YABU but hey, you're upset. Take a few hours to be unreasonably upset. Tomorrow is another day and you can be rational then.

So sorry about your father.

It’s completely understandable.

You’re lost a lot, you have been through a lot and it’s probably not even about the dog, but about all of it. The dog is just the proverbial straw.

When the time is right, the right dog will come to you too.

Oh sweetie, I feel your pain! We replaced our dog far too quickly with the same breed, I did the same with the horse and resented all of them for weeks! I can’t imagine someone getting a similar dog if I wasn’t able to, I’d be very resentful.

Are you able to move to somewhere more suitable? Get a cat? I know it’s not the same, but you come to love them just as much.

I think it's the timing more than anything. I mentioned my dog in my dad's eulogy yesterday as he also loved him so much and, lo and behold, the next day he doth appear ....

He was one of a kind as was my dad.

I will get another dog one day although, at the moment, I would prefer not to go through the pain of losing anything else I love.

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

Brigante9 - I seem to have inherited a hamster from DD .....😲

YABU about the exact details of what you are upset about but YANBU to be upset and fix on something logically not that significant as the issue in your particular circumstances of bereavement and past divorce.

Console yourself that your ExDH obviously thinks that you can replace loving relationships with others by just swapping them out and therefore has less understanding/experience of the value of love than you do. And that is better than a nice house and even puppy snuggles.

@madamehooch you're not BU at all. Just remember that just as the life you used to have turned out not to be perfect after all, the one he has now won't be either.

Hope the dog pisses on his bed.

I voted YANBU because it’s not unreasonable to feel as you do; it’s how you deal with it & what you do that matters. Your title suggests that you know that your reaction is driven by emotion less than reason. As pp have said, it’s as though he’s regaining part of what you’ve lost. You have made a good recovery; an amazing boyfriend & a lovely new flat. The only thing that is odd is that you group your DD & her BF coming to live with you as on the minus side along with the death of your father. The latter you can’t do anything about (& I’m so sorry that he’s gone), but are you unhappy that your DD & her BF have moved in with you? Maybe this is something that you can adjust.

YABU but I’d be the same.

get over it!

I can get it but I think you just have to accept this is a sad time for you and it is ok to have times when we feel wretched, allow ourselves to feel that way and sit with it until it eases.

Absolutely ok to be upset by this. A massive dick move by him.

We can only ever be in control of ourselves and our own emotions. Embrace being upset and don't apologise for how you feel. Those feelings are valid but unfortunately only to you as he doesn't give a shit, he will never consider you and is probably emotional unaware that it could be upsetting. He's just doing what he wants and can't understand any impact.

Remember you could still be in a relationship with this twat, so you're definitely winning!

I'm sorry I only just saw your reply madamehooch - I didn't mean to make you cry!

I really REALLY hope you're feeling a bit better now?

Ah come on don't be jealous.

If I knew BM was jealous about me and my fiancé getting a dog when our house purchase goes through I would be telling her where to get and wind her neck in with things nothing to do with her. Your not the only one who can have a dog. Let it go.

Thanks Stvincent. Feeling a lot better now.