if I don't want help from the in-laws even though we're shafted right now?

[bohemianbint]

firstly, this is a bit hypothetical, as they haven't offered to help, as yet, but we're seeing them tomorrow and they might and I need to know how to handle it...

Basically I go back to work next week for 2 days a week and as yet haven't managed to find a childminder. My mum might be able to help 1 day a week and DP might be able to take parental leave 1 day a week just until we find someone, which hopefully won't take too much longer.

Here's the thing; if the ILs offer to help (and they could, because they're retired) I dunno what to do. We don't get on, without going into all the details they're just a bit weird and have never really been interested in talking to me, and haven't been any help since DS was born. I get the impression they want to see DS but on their own terms, preferably with me out of the picture.

I can't imagine they'd be very good at looking after DS for several reasons; he doesn't know them, they seem very awkward around him and don't seem to know how to handle a child (despite having ahd 2!) There was one awful time MIL scooped up DS without asking and then held him half tilted backwards so he was straining to get upright. I asked her 3 times to hold him a bit more upright and she blatantly ignored me. Doesn't really inspire confidence, does it?

I know I probably sound a bit unreasonable (there are lots of reasons why they irritate the hell out of me but I didn't really want to get started here!) but I really don't want to be forced into taking their help and feeling beholden. I know some of you understand where I'm coming from after reading this thread a while back...

Any advice?

You obviously don't like her.

Do you think that perhaps the awkwardness you've seen her display with your DS is because you are around. It may account for her wish to see your DS without you being around?

I know this sounds harsh. I have a so-so relationship with my MIL but I try to let her have time with my boys without me being around as I know she feels more comfortable.

If you think that she may, even inadvertently, do your DS some harm, then none of this applies.

I would try to look at it long term. You'd have babysitters for year to come.

It sounds bad but DS isn't quite 1 yet and I've only ever left him with my parents on rare occasions; I'm not used to leaving him with strangers and still find it difficult. It's even more difficult when you don't like the people concerned.

Plus, it irritates me that they are barely civil (FIL didn't speak to me at all for nearly 3 years) to me and yet they expect to spend time with my child - I bloody made him, surely that deserves some respect?!

If you're not comfortable with leaving him with them then don't - it's your choice, don't feel that you have to please them.

Well they haven't offered and probably won't so surely problem solved.
A bit weird to question way the poor woman holds a baby though...

I don't think you're at all unreasonable for not wanting them to look after your ds with the way they have treated you and the fact that they clearly don't know how to look after your ds. Sure things would get better as they got to know him better but in this situation I wouldn't leave him with them eaither.

I would think you were unreasonable if you were preventing them getting to know him, and by this I don't mean having them fit round you, respecting your right to parent him as you choose and with you present

I think I would chat to your dh about it. How does he feel? Will he back you up on this if you explain how you feel? In fact will he take responsibility for this since they are his parents?

I looked at your thread and your start by saynig she has never been horrid to you and she loves your ds.

malory I don't think the op sounds precious at all!

when i read op i imagined this woman as being like my ex mother in law (was going to say dont do it!) but then i skimmed the previous thread (apolgies, i may have missed something) but...why exactly do you dislike her so much?

I do think that you need to try to put your feelings about her to one side.

Difficult. And I do know where you're coming from. My PIL refused to acknowledge me for four years as I was the 'wrong' religion. Which is a joke as I don't really have a religion, but YKWIM.

HOWEVER.

I have resolved a lot of 'ishoos' with them and have had to make myself be grown-up enough to realise that my feelings towards them should not affect my sons' relationship with them, as much as is humanly possible.

They should follow your rules about the major stuff but you need to allow them to build up a relaxed relationship with their grandson.

Whatever happens you are not ready for them to look after your DS. Being pushed into saying yes now sounds like it will really panic you.

I would make a decision now to say "No" to any offers of childcare but at the same time make a promise to yourself to try & facilitate the realtionship between your DS & them.

Looking afer a toddler is easier (in practical terms) than a baby, so perhaps if you start small now, they could play a bigger part when he is a bit older?

Also it is brilliant to have backup if using your main childcare isn;t an option (e.g. if your DS / CM are ill), and thinking ahead, when he starts school you will have the holidays to sort out as well.

If they do offer, and you have to think of a "nice" way to say no, perhaps you could say that while you don;t want them to be tied to a permanent committment, you would really appreciate it if they could be your back-up in emergencies etc.

HTH!

I'm very interested in this thread as I have four boys and no daughters.

I'm aware that my relationship with any future grandchildren is likely to be only as good as my relationship with my sons' DP/DWs.

Moondog - that thread I quoted wasn't started by me, but shows that other people have similar issues.

Malory - cheers for the slating. I've never really left him with anyone else because there is no one else.

I could go into a long list of events that have lead to the relationship being as it is but I didn't want it to turn into a long rant, I just wanted some advice if a situation arises.

Thanks everyone else who actually offered some help!

Sorry about that BB.

think we need to know a bit more to advise properly.

like for instance, my ex mil was a hateful cow towards me from day one and did not want to know me until i was pregnant. she offered to look after ds for me while i went back to work. we offered her money to do this, she very forcefully refused...then later on "charged" us for taxis to go shopping as "it was awkward with ds". (taxi's we found out, they hadn't been using) why not just accept the money in the first place? dont LIE about it!

she also insisted ds was registered with her gp, so all letters and appointments ended up going to her house.

she also, we found out, threw away the meals i had cooked from scratch and frozen for ds every single day and fed him mcdonalds instead.

not to mention the time she told me i was not to give him baby yoghurt anymore as HV said he was allergic to it. i phoned up poor HV in a right strop, until she told me she never said any such thing.

my exp once asked her nicely if she could just make sure ds " didnt pull his bib off" when feeding him (ie put on on him) as i couldn't get the stains out his clothes. she went ballistic. her favorite line was "if you dont like the way i look after him, get someone else."

so many things i cant remember now but she was awful. made our lives a misery with her ways.

so in the end i DID get a childminder! in that sort of situation i would say dont even go there!

I don't think you sound precious at all. Gawd, if you're not comfortable with leaving DS with PIL, then don't. Simply say if and when they offer, "Oh that's very kind but I've sorted out his childcare now. Thank you very much for offering though. Would you like to come for tea?"

I have absolutely no intention of leaving my children with PIL until they are at least six. And they never left their children with their GPs either.

You do as you want with your child. It's your child and you must feel happy with the substitute care you find for him.

how does the your dp feel about his parents minding the child? (sorry if you've already said, i read through the thread and couldn't see it)
if both of you are against it then i can't see the problem, but if he is ok with his parents helping out it could be a problem.

My children are a bit older, but still...

Dh and I were invited to a wedding abroad, and wanted to try and make it a little break for us by ourselves. First choice of someone to come and stay with the dcs (ds, 5, and dd 3) were my parents, but for one reason or another they would have struggled. I think one of them had just had an operation, IIRC. So, reluctantly, I agreed to ask my ILs. Reluctantly because I don't care too muchg for them and don't think they have the right attitudes to look after little children. However, they also live a couple of hundrded miles away and don't get to see the LOs very often. I may not like them, but they are responsible adults.

And you know what? The children had a lovely time with their GPs. They didn't seem traumatised by the experience - though the ILs were utterly knackered. And I think it also improved my relationship with my ILs. They feel more involved now.

I understand exactly how you feel, thing is though what are your alternatives? You need some back up, before you can say no altogether. The chances are they wont offer if they are as you say. You don't have to bring up the issues your having atm. You may need them in standby. Worst case scenario they'll have them one day a week for two weeks so that's only 2 days in the grand scheme of things. And you don't have to be grateful .

"I get the impression they want to see DS but on their own terms, preferably with me out of the picture."

Based on this alone, i would go with my instinct and not trust them to look after my child.

Cheers everyone for all the advice. They're not evil, or anything, they are either very rude, or socially stupid or something. Neither of them ever really spoke to me when I first met them (in fact the first meeting they just sat there with the tv on and didn't speak at all, was very awkward, wasn't sure if I should be making conversation with them or if it would ruin their viewing!) and as I've said FIL only recently has started letting on to me (after nearly 4 years.)

When we told them that we were expecting their 1st grandchild they just said "oh right" and changed the subject. They ignored us and the pregnancy until about halfway through when my parents arranged a meeting with them as they hadn't met previously. MIL told me I'd put on weight and proceeded to be really rude about all the choices we'd made, was fairly disparaging of DP and FIL spoke a few times to praise bloodsports which I swear he does to wind me up.

It might sound pernickety commenting on how she held DS, but honestly, it was painful to watch, the poor lad was straining trying to sit upright and looked really uncomfortable. But it's the fact that she just totally ignored me and carried on that makes me wonder, if she ignores me to my face what would she do if I wasn't around? DS is veggie and they think this is totally way out and mad, and I jsut worry they would disregard everything we do and fill him with sweets and meat!

DP totally agrees that it would be difficult for them to look after him, having never really bothered spending any proper time with him. On the upside, they are in their 60's and live about 45mins drive away so it might be a bit much for them...