AIBU to find husband's inaction over our potential finances crisis maddening?

[RubyD]

My husband works really hard in his full time sales job to give us a good life. He says he doesn't enjoy his job and finds the pressure of providing really stressful. We have 3 kids, 2 under 6 and one is disabled, and I work part time.

So his job is now going tits up. We have notice that he has till the end of the year with the same pay after which things will drastically reduce so we will struggle big time with bills. Obviously I am trying to increase my hours to take the slack but with the kids there is only so much I can do and even a full time job wouldn't bridge his loss in pay.

I have been trying to get him to come up with some options. Saying that we could take this opportunity to radically change our lives. Sell the house, rent it out, move somewhere cheaper, change our careers, buy a business, tbh anything really to get us out of a possible financial mess. My problem is that he just won't deal with it. He won't talk to me about options, anything I suggest he rejects. I've tried to brainstorm ideas with him, suggests he talks with his friends or his family but all I get back to any question I ask is "I don't know" or he gets stressed and angry. I honestly do not know what to do but I don't want to wait till December and then be forced into a panicked decision. Has anyone got any advice? I know he is stressed but we need to deal with it.

Would it help to put it in black and white? As in current outgoings, current incoming. And then the same again with the new salary and what you are left with (if anything?) Maybe again with all the "optional"stuff (sky etc) taken out. Then look at different scenarios, eg - if I manage to up my hours by x, we'll be in y situation?

Have you tried booking in some time to discuss? So give warning that you need to have a chat, with spreadsheets as mentioned above if needed? He maybe can’t think spontaneously but you need to get across that you need to talk when he is ready.

Agree to you drawing up a spreadsheet as suggested above. One has your current situation and the other is how it will be by the end of the year/ projections of how the cutbacks will affect you.
He needs to face reality and seems to be head in sand at the moment. Could be a self preservation attitude but it's not good.
I hope you can get him to engage with you.

Thanks @Withington, we have done this and we know what we would need to bring in jointly to cover our basic out goings if i can increase my work to an optimal level but it will still be really tight and we would both be working all the hours, weekends, evenings etc. His salary is going to drop considerably as he is unexpectedly losing his main client and he is on commission. So we are talking losing about £40k a year or more. My thought though is that rather than continuing being stressed and pressured forever, he could take this opportunity to do something he might actually enjoy. He has complained about his work ever since we met and life is so short. I just find this part of it all maddening.

Yes he probably feels bear-baited by me going on about it when he wants to relax at the weekend. I might have to book in a specific time. I have done a spreadsheet already, it is not looking good though a lot is unknown as more clients could miraculously appear. I just want to fix everything and my worst fear is the unknown so this all scares the shit out of me.

If he's stressed in his current job maybe the impending job loss & having to think about alternatives is just too much on top of feeling fed up & he's lost confidence that things could be different. When I'm frazzled everything seems a mountain to climb. Maybe try a more casual less full on approach: pick a time when you're both relaxing with a glass of wine & say you know maybe you don't have to do another sales job you hate. What have you always fancied doing as maybe we can rent while you retrain via distance learning, while doing something lower paid. It's hard, I retrained but it took years to build up the motivation as my unhappiness affected my confidence that it was achievable.

Ok, you have been making your point and its not being heard, so need to change tack. I guess he is likely feeling shell shocked and a failure (which he is not). You are feeling panicked and you are both dealing with this in polar opposite ways. He will step up because he is a worker. I would back off completely for a week or two (see if he comes forward). Then start talking ‘as if’ you are staying put and his earnings are much less.

I think you are trying to force him into seeing this positively and as a chance for him to do something he would like, but it seems like the role he values is the one where he works hard and makes sacrifices for your security. So instead of ‘why not do something for you’, stick to ‘I know you will always put us first, and you’ll always work hard’ or ‘I know we’ll figure it out’. Give him a few weeks and then ask to go somewhere together to have a conversation about any options either of you want to explore.

I'd add that the spreadsheet thing while really great & very practical might be best left until you've started a two way dialogue. Some people panic & go head in the sand if given too much info too soon. (long experience of panic merchant bosses in sales & marketing who need a calm anchor when shit hits fan).

I like to ask DH the questions so i can get a male perspective. His first thought is have you seen the paper work to confirm his money is reducing? Obviously you know your DH best but my DH has sugested the money may be going elsewhere such as another hous? Gambling? Does he owe someone losts of money? Has be bought part of the business etc? Just worth checking, obviously we dont know the reasons behind the money reducing but i would just make sure first, then tackle what to do next

I was in a similar situation, took me a while to get my head round it and make a decision. If my OH had presented me with a spreadsheet of how shit things were going to be and a list of suggestions about cost cutting at that point he would have had his head to play with.

@thegracefuloctopus haha, sorry if only, at least then I could find it and try and get it back! He is a really honest man, 100% faith that this isn't the case. I manage the finances, pay comes into our joint account and this situation is something he has worried about for a long time. New government legislation partially to blame as well as just bad luck with losing his main client. But do thank your husband for his input and thanks for asking him. :)

@CSIblonde, good advice too. He is a worrier, it hasn't even happened yet but he has worried about it for several years. Problem with a sales job and mostly paid by commission which is why I think he should get out now. It is a younger man's game really.

@EvaHarknessRose thank you - can you please come and mediate?! I think you are on the right track. I have a very 'male' viewpoint and probably need to back away a bit. He probably feels emasculated by the whole thing. I just wish i could help more. I will change tack a bit and see if this helps

From his reactions I suspect your husband may feel embarrassed, that he has failed in his duty as a provider* and that every time it comes up it is a pride denting reminder of his failure to succeed. Thus he doesn’t want to discuss. And yes he needs to get over this but I think you’re going to have to come at this from another angle.

*To be clear I’m not suggesting that is true but if you’ve been used to bringing home the money and or come from a traditional background this probably is in his head.

Maybe he is feeling like a deer in headlights at the moment.

I think if you give him a month and say to him we need to discuss options near the end of August, say 25th August, so you both have a month to think about and prepare ideas and plans etc.

A spreadsheet with income and expenditure based on different salaries is a good idea.

In a way you need to treat it like a business meeting looking at future forecasts and budgets and alternative business models.

Also, in the mean time, save as much money as you can from now, cutting back as much as possible on expenditure.

Hooe it all goes okay

You have some time, which is good news. You don't say how long ago you found out, but if it's still pretty recent then his unwillingness to discuss is probably fairly typical. We've been through redundancies and this is pretty much my DH's first default position - I don't know/everything is doomed/anger and attack - and then if I stay calm and keep reassuring that we'll find a way (like Rose suggests) then eventually we get to the discussion place, or another opportunity comes up.

I like to plan, so I understand your worry. You're just both dealing with it at opposite starting points, I think.

Why don't you make an appointment with a financial advisor and some advice or what to do next