Regarding a second child and birthing stories

[MickeysFireTruck]

Firstly, apologies for posting in AIBU. There isn't really an AIBU here I don't think.

I had my DD a little over year ago and DH and I have been thinking recently about TTC number 2, we were thinking maybe to start trying in January. We have weighed up the pros and cons and honestly the cons probably outweigh the pros but that's another thread! I do desperately want a 2nd and final child.

However, recently, I've been reading numerous threads about people's birthing stories, etc., and suddenly, I've come over all funny as it's made me remember my own experience. My chest has tightened, my tummy hurts, I've been struggling to keep my breathing under control, my heart feels like its beating faster and I suddenly feel absolutely petrified. So, each time, I've had to close the thread, stop thinking about my own labour experience with my first and really focus on taking some deep breaths.

This physical response to remembering my own experience and subsequently imagining doing it all again with a second has really scared me. Why have a responded like this?

So, I'll chuck in an AIBU as this is AIBU. AIBU to consider a 2nd child when I know, for us, the cons seemingly outweigh the pros and additionally I now have an overwhelming negative physical response to the prospect of a 2nd birth experience?

I did put paragraphs in. They've disappeared!

anyone?

Have you considered maybe talking to someone (perhaps a counsellor or therapist) about your experience? Births can be very traumatic and it’s a seriously major thing for your body to go through and how you are feeling is completely understandable. I’m in not a too dissimilar situation and the thought is a little overwhelming !

There's never a "perfect" time to have a baby, it depends on what the cons are. If it's "back to nappy and sleepless nights" that are cons then they're minor, if it's "we have no room and no money now how will we manage with a 2nd" then that's pretty major and I'd put it off.

As for the birth...every birth and labour is different. My 1st was 36 hrs, baby stuck so waters didn't break, 3rd degree tear. I dreaded labour with my 2nd. As it was that labour was 4 hrs from first period type pain. So much better.

First labour was horrible. The only good thing was the baby.

Second labour was fine.

It sounds like you could do with some help processing your 1st birth. In my area the hospital offers a Birth Reflections service where you can meet with a specialist midwife to go through the details of your labour and answer any questions you have. You could also talk to your GP about counselling to address your concerns. There's no perfect time to have another baby, but if you can resolve some of your birth anxiety it would probably help you have a happier second pregnancy. I hope you can find some support.

i had a difficult second birth (induced, lots of vomiting, made to stay on the bed once the syntocin was in due to losing trace on baby, failed forceps, emergency CS, 4 pints of blood lost) and it was still SO MUCH BETTER than my first.

some of that is "real" (I was in hospital 11 days after first birth) and some of it is that I had different expectations. i don't think you should let that reaction put you off having another child, it does add something else to deal with but I actually found having gone through it a second time easier to deal with the memories of the first time. hope that makes sense!

Birth can be fucking grim. Anyone who tries to suggest otherwise and that you might BU not to want to do it again is BU. I don’t think you need psychological intervention because birth frightens you - it’s frightening. The only question is whether you actually want another child enough to do it again.

And it is worth pointing out that every birth is different.

I was offered a sort of debrief on my first birth, although I arranged it too late so didn’t get to go in the end. I sympathise with you, I was terrified, had to be talked into having a second baby, was scared the whole time.... but ended up having a really positive experience, it was very cathartic. If you do end up going for it, tell your midwife everything you’re feeling. There’s lots of support.

Do a debrief from your first baby in hospital. Find out what exactly happened
Find out why it went the way it did.

Read into hypnobirthing and feel more comfertable with the whole process. And also realise that a second labour can also be a "healing labour" (as in: to soften the first labour experience). It could also just be almost as shit as the first one haha (speaking from experience) but heck it is so worth it

Maybe look into having
a doula or
A homebirth (is that a donething in the uk?)