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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD? Stepchild

20 replies

SortItSooty · 20/07/2019 10:16

Married to DH for a year, together 4.

Got a really good relationship with SS. When I go somewhere i.e. to see family, to the shops, to run an errand etc... Without DH he often wants to come with me which is really nice and with DHs permission he does often come with me to wherever I'm going.

Last time he obviously went home and told his mum he'd been out with me and she was really annoyed, gave H a nasty message about how I'm not his mum etc etc.

Fast forward to tomorrow, I'm going to see family and SS wants to come with me. H is saying it's fine if he really wants to go and that it's not his ex's business on his contact time.

I hate confrontation and arguments so am nervous now about causing any drama. WWYD?

Part of me thinks I should still take him on the occasions he really wants to come. It isn't forced, he asks and genuinely wants to. His Dad is fine with it and it's his contact time so we don't need permission from anyone else.

What do you think?

OP posts:

feathermucker · 20/07/2019 10:24

I think it's absolutely fine. His Dad has given permission and it's on his contact time.

Does he not want to spend time with his Dad or is Dad working?

Cherrysoup · 20/07/2019 10:25

It is nothing to do with his ex when he’s with you, your dh is correct. Why should he not have social time with your family when he is now part of the family? It’s a bit weird of his mum to be so odd about him spending time with you.

Pinktinker · 20/07/2019 10:26

Absolutely fine. It’s up to his Dad what happens during his access time. Provided it’s not dangerous, the Mum has no say. It’s something you have to accept when you separate.

Iaskmanyquestions · 20/07/2019 10:26

Sorry for the intrusion, but if you are likely to give him a sibling, I think it's important he knows his extended family.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 20/07/2019 10:26

Is your partner going with you too?

user1493413286 · 20/07/2019 10:26

Take him with you; you are part of his family and it’s great that then he’s part of your family. It might be hard for his ex but it’s not her business.

iamozzie · 20/07/2019 10:28

What's the set up legally? Does your dh have a court order? If not I'd get one incase she tries to stop contact when she gets pissed off.

CCquavers · 20/07/2019 10:29

Maybe the mum is worried that he’s not spending enough time with his dad.

Original poster

SortItSooty · 20/07/2019 10:29

PutyourtoponTrevor

No it's when I go somewhere alone.

He does want to spend time with his Dad. It's not every time but occasionally when I say I'm going out to X Y or Z he asks if he can come. I don't want to turn around and say no because I enjoy him coming with me, it's lovely that he wants to.

OP posts:

Armadillostoes · 20/07/2019 10:30

Take him with you. It is your DSS's mother who is massively overstepping boundaries. She shouldn't be interfering with what happens in contact time, as long as her DS is safe and well cared for. Projecting any sort of negativity about you or your DH is emotionally abusive towards her DS, and as the child's father, your DH needs to call her on it.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 20/07/2019 10:30

Take him. Ss used to come places with me when he was younger while his dad stayed at home. Even when his dad and I split up he would still stay with me for a day or two as well. He enjoyed it we get on and he has a (much younger) sibling at my house. He still comes and stays during holidays and Christmas even now and he’s a young adult. Thankfully his mum never minded or if she did never complained about it.

NailsNeedDoing · 20/07/2019 10:30

It's fine if that's what SS wants to do, but won't your dh go with you? Surely he'd prefer to have as much contact as he can on his contact time?

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 20/07/2019 10:34

Also should say that as a divorced parent and a step parent while I agree contact is important and spending time with the nrp is important I don’t think it’s necessary to spend all the contact time staring at each other. That sometimes the parent may have jobs to do around the house or errands to run. Life cannot stop because the child is visiting so while time spent together should be optimised it’s not practical to dedicate the whole weekend/week/ whatever to 100% time together. My own dc don’t even choose to spend every minute of the day with their dad they often go off to their rooms to hang out or choose to go and do something else during contact time.

Original poster

SortItSooty · 20/07/2019 10:36

Surely he'd prefer to have as much contact as he can on his contact time?

Contact is 50:50. He spends a lot of time with him. This isn't every contact day, it's on the odd occasions that I nip out on my own.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 20/07/2019 10:37

She's naturally anxious that her role might be misplaced by you two getting close. It's natural. She'll get over it if deep inside, she cares more about her son's happiness than her own feelings. Take him just mention there and then something nice and positive about his mum, he will relay thst too and that will hopefully appease her.

bloodsbluegold · 20/07/2019 10:37

Definitely take him with you. It's nice he wants to spend time with you.

Original poster

SortItSooty · 20/07/2019 10:46

swingofthings

Yes it makes sense. I try very hard not to over step marks etc... But I don't want to tell SS I don't want him to do something when I actually do and saying no could hurt his feelings.

OP posts:

readitandwept · 20/07/2019 14:37

She's being ridiculous and selfish.

I could understand if your DH had his son EOW only and you were taking him away for hours. I have chinned my ex in the past for choosing to work extra shifts on his contact nights and leaving DS with his then GF. But he was choosing to do that instead of working the nights he didn't have him. It defeated the point of DS going to his dads. He stopped doing it. But that's not what's happening here and she's stated her issue is about you, not the dads time with him.

It's nice that he enjoys spending time with you, and personally I'm glad my son has that kind of relationship with his SM. (Or he did, before he became a teenager and didn't want to be seen dead with any of us )

F2Feee · 20/07/2019 14:43

Completely ignore her. Shes jealous that he has such a good relationship with you that he doesnt mind doing things without his dad there. If his dad said no problem then leave her to her hissy fits. Its great that you have such a good relationship with him.

Winterlife · 20/07/2019 14:45

It’s his mother’s insecurity at play. Don’t punish SS because she’s an idiot.

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