Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep my friend

39 replies

Reba0706 · 19/07/2019 19:37

I have a wonderful best friend, we'll call her Fiona.... who I met at work, we've only known each other two years but we became close very quickly....we're absolute soul sisters - we have so much in common and have already supported each other through some tough times at work and in our home lives (health scares, illness and family bereavement). I can't imagine never meeting her and I know she feels the same.

We are in touch all the time and often have messenger chats after work but Fiona's mentioned in passing a couple of times that she's had to message me from the loo or in secret as her husband doesn't like my messaging invading their evenings.

Fiona is going on a UK holiday shortly and told me that her husband has instructed her that during the holiday she is on a 'ban' from me and isn't to message me at all - controlling much? She seems to be ok with this and has accepted the instruction but wanted to warn me that she will be completely MIA for the two weeks she is away.

I feel like I'm some sort of text-pest...or that's how I'm being treated. Clearly the husband is threatened and jealous of our friendship.

When I first met her a mutual friend told me to watch the husband as he's very controlling, and Fiona doesn't speak to any of her family as she says they are not supportive of her marriage.
I want to keep this friendship but I feel that the husband is becoming more and more threatened by me and my close bond with Fiona and will remove me in perhaps the way he has with the family.

As a person she has very low self esteem and confidence in herself and her husband is her idol.

Today I messaged her to say I was going to stop evening messaging as I could see it was upsetting her husband which I didn't want and she completely ignored the message despite seeing it and the changed the subject entirely as if she just couldn't deal with it.

I guess I'm just after thoughts and opinions

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2019 19:39

This all sounds very familiar. Have you posted before?

Original poster
Reba0706 · 19/07/2019 19:54

I'm a regular commenter on here but no I haven't posted anything about this before. Someone has the same problem it seems.

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 19/07/2019 19:58

I was just about to say there has been a thread about this already!

Obviously she has made her choices.
Maybe keep the work friendship at work

thetimekeeper · 19/07/2019 19:59

Fiona is being abused. It's not about you.

If you want to keep her as a friend, then be supportive. And maintain the friendship.

Abusers try to isolate their victims, so if you choose to withdraw from the friendship then you're helping him. (I really don't understand why you're choosing to withdraw from her and then acting like you're the wronged party.)

Here, have a read on how you can be supportive: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

EllenEyewater · 19/07/2019 20:01

I wonder if Fiona is using her husband as an excuse to back away a bit - it does all sound a bit intense.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2019 20:02

Have you ever been more than just friends?

rookiemere · 19/07/2019 20:03

It could be that her DH is controlling or it could be that he feels he isn't getting any attention as all his DWs focus is on you. I have good friends, but when I'm on holiday I wouldn't message them unless there was something specific to discuss.

drowningincustard · 19/07/2019 20:06

I understand what its like to be controlled, at some point you know its wrong but things are too complex/difficult/complicated at that point to know how to start extricating out of it.
I lost a lot of friends at this point...
Don't put her in a position of having to choose because she will have to choose him and will lose you. Let that elephant in the room be there, but subtly you have to let her know that when she is ready you will always be there to help.
If you know regular often messaging is winding up her husband then it would be wise to draw back. But ask her what kind of communication will work as you love your chats and you think she does as well.
I found hands free phone calls while travelling to work were good.
Also maybe it needs to be a more offline form o communication - what about emails? or even old fashioned letter writing
Somehow you need to get her to decide for herself that she needs to get out of this abuse. Can you point her to mumsnet... Buy her copies of the books that are often recommended on here. Find out some links for the freedom programme and get them to her.

newmomof1 · 19/07/2019 20:11

Your description sounds a lot more intense than friendship and I can understand why her husband feels uncomfortable about your friendship.

At the same time, he sounds like an abusive control freak...

picklemepopcorn · 19/07/2019 20:12

It's really rude to be taking messages from other people while you are with someone. It's one thing if it's making an arrangement, or responding to an emergency. It's another if you are are chatting away by text while he is sat attempting to enjoy quality time with his wife.

LetMeGoNo · 19/07/2019 20:15

There was a similar thread a while ago. I think the poster evidently had some feelings for her friend.

Likewise, your friendship sounds too intense. Just back off; you don't need to tell her you're backing off, just stop messaging quite as much.

TheVoiceInTheShed · 20/07/2019 06:14

I think it's already obvious you shouldn't be messaging her if she is answering secretly, you are being intrusive, why are you constantly messaging? Do you not have anyone in your life at the moment?
If he is a abusive you do not want to risk him having an excuse to get rid of you, do make sure you continue to support her in a daily basis obviously, but they both might be a bit sick of you intruding into their marriage.

cantfindname · 20/07/2019 06:52

It's really rude to be taking messages from other people while you are with someone. It's one thing if it's making an arrangement, or responding to an emergency. It's another if you are are chatting away by text while he is sat attempting to enjoy quality time with his wife

So true.

It drives me crazy. It's not always about control, it's about basic manners.

swingofthings · 20/07/2019 06:58

My OH and I have little time during the week to give es hotjer quality time. If he spent all his evenings texting someone, it would annoy me as taking away our chance to give each other's attention. Our holidays are the best times we give each other our undivided attention and remember why we love each other so much and want to be together forever. Him texting a friend all the time would indeed annoy me.

It's not a out being controlling, we do many things separately, but 5bsgs why when we are together, we give each other 100%. Maybe your communication is a bit ex essive, especially if you see each other every day.

BookwormMe2 · 20/07/2019 07:21

How many times in an evening do you text her? Who instigates the majority of chat, you or her? I wonder if she's using her husband as an excuse to have a break from you. It does sound weirdly intense.
I don't think my DP would be happy with me spending every evening texting a friend - it would feel like a constant intrusion on our family/couple time.

Whatisinaname1 · 20/07/2019 07:29

Its hard to know if he is controling and being abusive or if, as your friendship sounds quite intense, Fiona wants to take a break or back off and is using him as an excuse.

Respect her wishes, be there for her if she needs it though

BlueMerchant · 20/07/2019 07:38

My first thought was she is using her DH being annoyed about all the messaging as an excuse to back off a bit.
Maybe she wants to relax on an evening having dinner with her DH without all the messaging and maybe her DH is quite rightly getting a bit miffed at Fiona always being on her phone.
I know I feel awkward when I'm sat chatting with my OH on an evening after work and trying to chill and my friend starts incessantly texting me about what she's having fir dinner.

Lawnmowingsucks · 20/07/2019 07:46

You feel that her DH is the issue which might be true

However if you can't accept that Fiona has asked you to back off, then you are (also?) the problem

Friendship is about being friendly not getting what you want

NerrSnerr · 20/07/2019 07:47

How many messages do you send per day on average?

Isatis · 20/07/2019 08:10

If you're seeing her all day at work, why do you need to spend the evening texting? It does all sound way too intense. Are you in a relationship?

bluefruits · 20/07/2019 08:20

Are you sure that it's not actually her DH that has an issue and that she just finds it a bit much but doesn't know how to let you down gently so just says "oh DH moans about me being on my phone".

I'm a huge introvert and that amount of messaging from a close friend would make me want to move to Australia, let alone someone that I'd seen all day at work.

regmover · 20/07/2019 08:24

This is just as likely to come from her as from her husband. I think you should do what you say and stop contacting her in the evenings, and give it a break while she's away. If her husband is pissed off I don't really blame him because it can be very irritating to sit beside someone who is constantly replying to messages. But having said that, it can also be irritating to feel obliged to reply to texts. Sounds like a cold turkey couple of weeks is not a bad thing. Then both of you try to be a bit more balanced about this in future.

Somerford · 20/07/2019 08:25

My initial feeling was that her husband is controlling but having read your OP again, it's hard to say whether that is actually the case or if that's what you would like us to believe. Parts of your post sound way to intense to be honest with you, I suspect that your feelings for this woman are much stronger than they ought to be and this view is supported by some of the language you've used about her.

SarahSinclair · 20/07/2019 08:30

Yes this has been posted by someone else before. Intense friendship, messaging and phone calls for hours when they’d just seen each other and I think there was even a drunken kiss. The post got deleted I think.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 20/07/2019 08:38

I wouldn't expect friends or even family to contact me when I was on holiday, unless there was an emergency.
How often do you message each other and who instigates it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread