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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just feel like a failure

19 replies

Skittlelover · 19/07/2019 19:25

I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old, I'm a sahp, which I normally love.
I tried potty training my toddler for the third time (his 6 month younger cousin is doing it and she is doing really well, made me feel terrible to leaving it)
I just can't do it. He's really good only a few accidents and managed a poo on the potty. But then he had more and more accidents and pooed in his pants and I just find it impossible. So much more about me than him. He woke his sister up from her nap so many times that she was exhausted.
I yelled at him at bed time as he was jumping about. I put them both to bed an hour early as I couldn't cope.
My hubby was meant to be out with his mates, he is coming home now as I'm a wreck.
Been a crap mum and a crap wife. My self esteem seems to be non existent and I don't know why?
Aibu to say today has been an epic fail?

OP posts:

Mammalian · 19/07/2019 19:28

I'm glad your final sentence said today has been an epic fail, because that's it, just a very bad day... that does not make you a failure. Sounds like you're doing everything right. It will click into place eventually. And if it's any consolation, the 2nd child often gets it way quicker, as they copy from their older sibling.

Mintjulia · 19/07/2019 19:31

You aren’t crap. Potty training takes endless patience. I left mine to my childminder and am not ashamed to admit it.
Stop comparing yourself to anyone else. Children mature at different rates , especially boys and girls, so he’ll get the idea soon. It has nothing to do with your abilities.
Sounds like you need a glass of wine, a bath & an early night.

33goingon64 · 19/07/2019 19:31

Brief answer as reading to DS but don't feel like a failure! You've got the HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD at the moment. Potty training is the pits even without a baby who you're probably weaning and dealing with crawling etc. Boys tend to be later than girls with potty training. My boys were 3/4 months and 3/7 months before we even started. Give yourself a break. There will be poos in pants, inevitably. Maybe wait til you feel stronger to try again?

Medievalist · 19/07/2019 19:40

Well as a mum of 3 I can remember the frustration and feeling like crap/a failure at that stage.

I can remember shouting, sticking them in front of the tv while I laid down on the sofa and went to sleep, putting them all in the car and driving around until they went to sleep then sitting on the front doorstep watching the car and praying for them to sleep a bit longer, bagging up toys and 'throwing them away' because they were being naughty, begging dh not to go to work because I couldn't cope. All manner of things which I look back on with regret. It's the hardest job in the world.

However, they're now in their 20s, remarkably well-adjusted and lovely people. You'll get there too. Nobody said it would be easy though. One day at a time

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/07/2019 19:46

Bless you.

My husband came home to find me and Dd bawling our eyes out one night. I just couldn't get anything right that day.

mbosnz · 19/07/2019 19:47

Also, anecdotally, girls often toilet train sooner than boys.

We worked on the premise that if we started toilet training at 2, they'd finish at 3. If we started at 3, they'd finish at 3.

He's doing very well. You are doing very well. When he toilet trains does not define how good you are as a mother, or how smart he is as a kid. It' s not a competition.

Your self esteem is in the toilet because you're buying into competitive parenting, you're knackered, and you're dealing in absolutes.

Today was not a good day. Put it aside. Have a cry, a wine, a bath, and whatever else spins your wheels. Take cuddles from your awesome DH who did the right thing and came home and comforted his wife and looked after his kids when she was at the end of her tether.

You're doing fine. This too shall pass.

nauseous5000 · 19/07/2019 19:55

We all have days like this! Anyone who questions if they're a crap parent just isn't, it's the ones who don't question themselves who often need to...

If potty training isn't working then stop. DD was an amazing talker but didn't potty train til just before 3. I tried twice- epic failure. Then one day I had her on changing mat and she said "No more nappies. I want to use the toilet now." Then just did it overnight! One thing that def worked for her was a training seat on toilet- she didn't like the potty and feeling poo/wee touching her if it was a big event! Consider pausing to make your life easier and think about what else you can do that would benefit you! Your well-being is important to benefit the kids and don't forget it

Unicornsdosparkle · 19/07/2019 20:03

I tried potty training my daughter twice before the 3rd attempt worked. I had to give up as she wasn't ready. I felt like a failure but on the 3rd attempt at 2 years 9 months it all fell Into place with very few accidents. Please don't beat yourself up. Today was a "bad day at the office" for you. It will get better Xx

Livebythecoast · 19/07/2019 20:09

Like others have said, it's been a bad day and you are certainly not a failure. All children potty train at different ages and some take to it, others take more work.
My daughter suffered with constipation and would not poo outside her nappy - she'd go into a corner (pooh corner) and do her business there. I started putting a nappy open in the potty and gradually she would start to go to the potty if she needed a poo and didn't have a nappy on. I took the nappy away over time and replaced it with toilet roll - she just didn't like the feeling of her poo not going on something soft. Then she used it for for no 1's and 2's without anything lining it.
Obviously every child is different so what works for one might not work for another.
It's lovely your DH is coming home to support you.

Groovee · 19/07/2019 20:12

You are not a failure. Your ds will train when he's ready. I found both of mine told me when they were ready and sure enough trained right away.

TowerRavenSeven · 19/07/2019 20:18

You are not a failure! I think it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and mine was way older too. Endless patience 😇 it takes. I found the more blasé I was about it the better it worked. You’ll get there!

Coffeeisnecessary · 19/07/2019 20:19

Does he seem ready for potty training? Is he asking or telling you he needs a wee/poo? Can he pull his own pants down etc? I didn't start my boys until they were about 3 as they weren't interested, got it done in a couple of days. My friend started potty training her ds at 2 and he was still having accidents 6 months later. It's not fun at any time though!

SootySueandSweeptoo · 19/07/2019 20:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TheABC · 19/07/2019 20:35

To echo the others:

Everyone is fed no one is dead. Postpone potty training until they are ready (and can be bribed) as it does happen within days, then.

Get a cuddle off DH and plan a stress free day tomorrow.

AndBreatheJustBreathe · 19/07/2019 20:40

2.5 is small.

My daughter would not potty train. I tried everything. Tied myself in knots over it. She knew what to do. She just refused to do it. Held it in for hours and hours...

Then one day, aged 3, she took her nappy off and declared that she didn’t need them any more. She was dry day and night from that point.

Now she’s 4 and going to school and what on Earth was I worried about?! It was not worth the stress. I have a two year old and I will not be attempting to potty train her until she tells me that she’s ready. In the long run it really really does not matter as long as it happens before school.

Original poster

Skittlelover · 19/07/2019 20:52

Thanks everyone. It really is helping knowing other people find it hard.
I sometimes am very self deprecating and lack confidence even when I'm doing well. I'm trying to work on this, but a difficult day makes it worse.
Both kiddies are asleep now and my hubby has ordered a take away and giving hugs while watching new marvel movie!
I'm not sure what to do about the potty training. My hubby may try tomorrow as he wants to persevere (He may change his mind after tomorrow ). I think I just want it to magically happen or outsource to childcare we don't have!
Thanks again for everyone's support. It really has made a difference to my evening.

OP posts:

ladyvimes · 19/07/2019 20:56

Some days are just fucking hard. Had a melt down today. Hubby gave me a cup of tea and sent me to bed for an hour! Mine are older than yours too!!
Tomorrow will be better.
Only the good mums feel like they’re bad mums!

berryhead2013 · 19/07/2019 21:05

2.5 is still young for the potty so ditch it and leave it till he is three that's what I did we are just having success now Ds is nearly 3.5
Do not give two craps about any other child's potty training
You are not a bad mum you had a bad day tomorrow may be the same but it's a new day
I have put my kids to bed early too as it was either that or I lose my shit with them which I hate doing
You got this you got through today and you will get through tomorrow being a sahp is not easy xx

flossie86 · 19/07/2019 21:43

Step away from the potty training for a few weeks & focus on getting yourself to a good place & then try again, these things take time and patience. I've never known a grown man to still use nappies relax nothings ever easy when it comes to parenting! Enjoy your night x

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