To be fed up of deadbeat ex

[kitandkaboodle28]

NC for this.

Ex and I have a ds age 8. Split when he was 2. He is remarried and has two young kids with his new wife. His new wife is great and I get on with her really well.

But my ex is a dickhead. He was always manipulative and narcissistic while we were together and I thought he might have improved over the years but after a chat with his wife it turns out he is being just as selfish and awful to her. I think she has confided in me because he has isolated her from her friends and family and she knows I've been through it with him.

I realise it's not my business but it's horrible to hear that he's treating her so badly too. It also transpires he's leaving our ds with her a lot during his contact time while he goes out to the pub, gym and so on. Really not impressed with that and also worry about ds - I trust his wife but she's got two young kids of her own to look after who will always come first to her.

Aibu to be pissed off? I know what he does during contact is up to him but this feels really off to me. But how can I confront it without making it obvious she's told me? It's worth mentioning that ds is happy to go there so he's obviously happy to be with her but not really the point is it :/

Your DS is eight so ask him what time his dad spends with him before speaking to your ex. You don’t have to mention his wife.

Tell him to spend time with his son or is it really worth sending him. He’s doing what he wants because no one is challenging him.

@chocolatemademefat unfortunately he has always been that way. If you challenge him you will never win because he can never see anyone else's viewpoint but his own. No matter how bizarre and illogical it is.

It does annoy me to send ds and know that his dad isn't bothering with him. And also that he is potentially seeing the toxic ways that he's treating his wife. This is the whole reason I split up with him eventually because I didn't want him seeing that and thinking it was normal behaviour. I get on very well with his wife and fully sympathise but I sometimes wish I didn't know what's going on between them as it just brings it all back for me and makes me worry.

What a vile man. Where do these men get their utter lack of values from? MN is full of these stories and it is just depressing. I’d start by questioning the point of contact if he just buggers off to the boozer

It's not always the pub. Sometimes it the gym or football or other selfish hobbies. The point is he won't stop or alter his lifestyle when ds is there, he just expects his wife to pick up the slack. If she's happy to do so (which she insists she is as ds is helpful and well behaved -her words) I guess it's not my battle to fight but it really really annoys me and I can't stand to see the way he manipulates her into doing what he wants.

Do you think saying anything to him will actually change what he does? If not then unfortunately I think it’s something you just have to accept as hard as that is.
Obviously you feel bad for his wife because you’re a nice person but it is her life and she’s the one who needs to do something about that which she may never do

From a very selfish perspective I'm glad that someone kind and nice is looking after my son but it's very unfair on him. My ex doesn't take kindly to criticism of any kind and I doubt anything I say will make him change his behaviour. But it seems very unfair on everyone involved. My son deserves better.