Aibu to feel sad

[Lovemyroses]

I'm feeling sad about how my life has changed since having cancer. I had 18mths of intense treatment with lots of unexpected complications. I'm still on medication, and have had friends telling me I should be back to normal, or telling me what I should do to make everything better. My children have anxiety and ptsd, I cant tell my real life friends how awful things can be at home, but we are getting help from camhs when they have a psychologist free. Due to the complications of my treatment I can't manage my job like I used to and still want to, I've reduced my hours considerably, and still struggle. Work told me to get another job, occ health were helpful and negotiated changes for me, under reasonable adjustments but said I need to be careful that work don't start putting in an incompetency claim. Financially I have lost a huge amount of my income, and we are struggling financially.
I have recently seen consultants about the complications I have, they are permanent and are hard to manage medically, and affect me on a daily basis but I work hard to look well, and I smile and so people don't know how ill I feel on a daily basis, and how it will never get better.
I am incredibly grateful for the NHS and that I am alive, but just recently I am feeling sad - bereaved rather than depressed. Bereaved for many things. I am trying to be kind to myself, cutting myself some slack, but life is a long old slog at times. Aibu and any suggestions? I do mindfulness, I exercise, I do hobbies, I go out with the new friends I've made and enjoy these things, sometimes I miss the friends I did have before they either ditched me because I kept being ill, or I stopped seeing them as I was fed up of listening to their words of wisdom about my situation. Aibu to let myself feel sad or should I just put on my big girl pants and keep on keeping on?

I think it’s ok to feel sad about how things have changed & can totally understand why you would.

Completely not the same, but I had a short term, mildly serious (If there is such a thing) illness a couple of years ago. It knocked the absolute life out of me. I’m getting back to normal, but for a long time, there had to be a new normal that I had to find.

I think it’s natural to grieve for a massive shift in your life like you’ve had

You've every right to be sad.

I watched a TED talk yesterday recommended by a mnetter called Everything happens for a reason and other lies I've loved. It's on YouTube and is only about 15 minutes long, it might help you op.

Also Alain du Botton school of life is very good, there's one called "it's ok to feel sad".

My mental health took a real battering earlier this year and lots of YouTube stuff really helped me.

Good luck xx

Thanks both x

I think that lots of people who have had a serious illness probably feel exactly the same OP. My mum had ovarian cancer 2 years ago and we were only talking about this the other day. My mum is retired which has negated some of the impact you have been experiencing but she has also been left with some distressing problems that she just has to live with.
YANBU. At all.
I sincerely hope things get better and that you find some peace with what has happened to you.
I think a pp was right when they said about finding a new normal.
Would it help to talk to others who are going through similar? Did you have a Macmillan nurse who could point you in the direction of a support group?
Sometimes it helps to know you aren't alone.

Over a year and a half of difficult & scary stuff, and so many changes. I wouldn’t expect anyone to be completely okay after all that.

I hope your psychologist is helpful.

I think bereaved is the right word. You've got an awful lot to grieve for and, personally, I think it would be better if you allowed yourself to grieve for the things you've lost. Because the alternative isn't that your feelings magically disappear in a puff of smoke, but that you try to squash them away to fester.

Allowing yourself to grieve is how we heal and process loss. It's a natural, healthy thing to do. I'm really sorry you've found yourself with such unsupportive people around you. I am not excusing their lack of empathy and compassion, sadly I think it's a reflection of how poorly understood the impact of cancer treatment is. People think it's like you see on TV.

Maybe you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself to hide how much you're struggling. Outside of work at least (given the worries there) I don't entirely see why you should hide it. And people may not realise how bad it really is if all they ever see is you putting on a brave face.

You have been through such trauma, as have your children. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling (and I'm sure it changes). Do you have people around you who do get how traumatic this has been and how much you've lost who you can turn to?

With work, do you have anybody there who is supportive? Whether practically or emotionally. It could make a difference knowing you have people mentally in your corner. In terms of capability proceedings, be clear on any changes to your contract and what your job spec is now so that you can show you are meeting the competencies for your role regardless of any adjustments that have been made (RA don't make you incapable, the only thing that gives them grounds is not meeting the role competencies/requirements or not being able to come into work).

I think Macmillan can offer support/advice on dealing with work after cancer. Have they been of help to you at all?

I think I read an article of some description recently about support for cancer survivors facing the kinds of difficulties you describe. I can't place wher right now. Are you in touch with any survivor networks or support groups? Being able to talk to people who just get it, even if it's only online, might really help. Not feeling understood by those around you is so hard - sometimes being able to talk about what's going on for you and feel understood is what helps, rather than any advice people might give.

Beyond that I wish I had some clever suggestions that would help and make this all easier for you. I don't want this to sound patronising, but I think it's amazing that you are even halfway standing after all you've been through and what you're trying to adjust to. It's bloody unfair - you can be grateful to be alive and still rail at the unfairness of the price you've paid. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

I think there can be a tendency to romanticise coming out of the other side of a traumatic illness such as you describe. We think of people getting a new lease of life and throwing themselves into new ventures or out of aeroplanes. This may be true of some, but I expect many more are in your shoes. Trying to navigate a different life, they didn’t expect or want.
I really hope things get better for you. Feel what you need to feel. It’s ok to be sad and you’re right you are grieving. Take each day as it comes and as much help as you can x

The back to normal thing is all bollocks, but only if you have been through it can you totally understand.

There is no back to normal, it’s getting use to the new normal.

This new normal is scary, full of memories of trauma, and you wish to be back to the old one, but that can not happen.

So, it’s much easier to create yourself a new normal. What do you want to achieve? How do you want to carry on?

My daughter was 1 at my first breast cancer diagnosis. My secondary diagnosis was 4 years later when my second daughter was 1 and 2 weeks ago as they are 2 and 6, the bugger is creaping back.

I desperately wish for the life before all this, but 5 years down the line I am much better at paving the way for the new normal.

Don’t think back, think how you want life to be in the future. I want my children to feel normal - hospital trips are part of me and my normal, and they are part of their normal.

We do things that we can because if the trauma and memories and cancer take more of a centre stage, then the bugger is winning and that’s just not on.

So, let the bad thoughts come, because they will, give them some time, but once they’ve had their slot, put them back in the box and plan your next move.

You can do this, 18 months is not long, 2,3,4 years and you will be a changed person and things will improve.

Here endeth the lesson!

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate them, and your kindness. I am sorry Rodent about your secondaries, mine was primary for which I am thankful. I feel guilty for feeling crap when others have it far worse than me, even though logically I know that is ridiculous.
And having nearly died more than once with the complications I can't shake off the fear that I am going to die soon even though there is no evidence that will happen.
I don't talk to people about how I feel because I can't deal with their reactions to what I say has happened to me/kids, and (this is not judgemental) people are busy with their own lives and just aren't interested, which is fine - this has been going on now for 5 yrs and it hasn't got better, it's just one thing after another either with my health or the children's mental health (they were fine before I was ill).
This evening is my life in a microcosm - I try to process a bit of what has happened and it is just one thing after another, the children want me, my partner wants me etc etc... I think I need to go away on my own for a couple of nights. In my dreams what I would like to do is take a year off and recover physically and emotionally, it's not financially feasible tho. Instead I take a cup of tea into the garden, sit in the sun and read for a bit, lovely though it is, it doesn't quite cut the ice. I don't think there is an answer, I just need to snatch time on my own when I can and keep on keeping on

I think this is the least unreasonable AIBU I've ever read. Wishing you strength and peace and may happiness return to all your lives quickly

That’s exactly right - keep on keeping on, but give yourself time, it IS a great healer, but you need it.

“Control the controllables” I’ve been told - no point in stressing about things you can’t change, work on things you can change.