AIBU to cancel DD birthday celebrations

[Shezza71]

Backstory: myself, Dh, dd1 is 21, dd2 is 19 on Saturday, and our 3yo rescue dog.
We've had dog nearly 2 years, at the time dh had a job that meant he was at home around lunchtime, so dog was company and motivation to exercise for him. Last year was made redundant and new job is long hours.
But between us all, both dds have varying shift patterns and 2 days off midweek, and dd1 boyfriend, and a dog walker if needed, we can manage walks in the day, I generally do evening walk.
However dd1 never gives her a decent walk, 10 minutes round the block at best, and often late in the day. She promises time and again that she'll get up and take her to one of the many local parks or green area for at least an hour but never does.
Example: today she is off, complained about having to be awake to let the cleaners in at 8.30 on her day off, she has the next 4 days off. Took her round the block this morning saying she was going to take her out for a good walk later. 5.00 o'clock and she still hasn't gone out! She did the same on Tuesday when she didn't have to be at work until 5.00, said she forgot I had asked her and got her friend to come round and take her. I've already told her if she won't walk her I'll need the dog walker and extra day and I'll be putting up her housekeeping to cover the extra cost.
But she's let me down again, Saturday is her birthday, she wants to have a family meal, 7 people, at the restaurant where she works, she gets discount but it will still be quite expensive, she then is planning to go out in the evening and wants to pre drink at home with friends. AIBU in saying no to both the meal and drinks at home, because I feel really pissed of at the moment.
Apologies for long ranty post.

Sorry I think yabu. I would never assume any kids would actually pull their weight when it comes to a pet. Of course they wanted a dog to love but at 19/21 unless it was specifically theirs then I just think you were a bit foolish to believe they would walk it!

You have many issues to deal with for Dd1.

Dog walking is the least of them

Tbh it would stick in my throat to spend a night with her pretending to be the proud dm..... She is a taker and it isn't attractive...

The other issues are a work in progress. She is left to get her stuff sorted, if she runs out of work clothes so be it. Dirty dishes are left in her room and her bed remains unchanged for approximately 3 weeks now, I'm sure it will walk itself to the laundry basket soon😂
She works in hospitality so often starts and finishes work late so has to sort her own meals.
Had similar issues with dd1 at the same age, she also worked odd hours, and she has come through it all ok, fingers crossed for dd2.
It's 1 hour once a week, if she won't commit to it and follow through I'll have to enforce an increase to pay for an extra dog walk day.

No don’t cancel her birthday. You have to come up with something else to deal with the lack of dog walking.

This is besides the point but... Why are people assuming that the daughters are paying rent ?
Are they in fact paying rent ?
That seems just... weird, to me. My parents would never charge us rent for living in the family home. Contributing towards chores/expenses is fair, but actual rent ?!

Anyway, regarding the dog, if tbe daughters promised to help walk her then you are right to be angry (though you shouldn't be surprised ! Kids always promise to help with pets and never do). But I don't think cancelling the birthday is the right way to do things.

You could tell her that if she's not willing to walk the dog properly, then she must pay for a walker to do it for her. And maybe talk to her about responsabilities towards a vulnerable animal that depends on her, though I suspect you already did that before.

I wouldn't cancel her birthday. That's something you do when something truly horrendous has happened, and I don't think this qualifies. You'd regret it.

However, it does sound like it's time for your DD to think about moving out. You are obviously having a lot of problems with her living there and it sounds like she isn't happy with your rules. Maybe this is a sign that it's time for her to move on to the next stage in her life.

Does your DH still walk the dog?

Dd1 pays minimal housekeeping and half goes into an isa account for her future. She is generally lazy, cooks and doesn't clean up, rarely does her laundry, never changes her bed etc. I don’t understand why people do this! The point of paying housekeeping is to keep the house, not an enforced saving scheme for her. At 21 she is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to start a savings pot. She will never learn to be financially responsible if you are doing it all for her.

Charge her a proper amount of rent so she is contributing towards the house. Add extra on for a dog walker if she decides she doesn’t want to do her rota’d dog walks and stop the enforced savings plan.

I'm more bothered by the fact you have 4 adults living in the house and still pay for a cleaner!

Both DDs contribute to the cost of the house to cover extra food they request as due to everyone having different work patterns we are all rarely at home to eat together, they also have cable boxes in their room which is an additional monthly cost so what they pay covers that sort of stuff. Also teaches them to budget their money a bit, both DH and I had the same rules at home, as do many people I know.
The cleaner comes once a month to do a thorough clean, I struggle to do it as restricted by an injury and some early arthritis.
Dh and I both walk the dog, evenings and weekends. Dds are asked to do it once a week, dd1 is happy to do this, dd2 always promises she will but rarely follows through with a decent walk.
Both dds had savings accounts from when they were born, transferred to ISAs when they were 18 and I choose to top up so that one day they will hopefully have a deposit for a house. They have the option to add more if they wish to.
Anyway thanks for responses, birthday plans will continue as planned, dd2 and I have had a conversation about being more responsible for herself and work have said I can work from home on occasions if I'm stuck for doggy day care.

So dh got a dog for company but adult dd is meant to walk the dog or pay for a dog walker?

So she does walk the dog but it's not a 'decent' walk? Does that make much of a difference if it's once a week and the rest of the time the dog does get decent walks?

It was a family decision to get a dog, dh was the reluctant one, the rest of spent ages persuading him, and at the time his work hours were such that he was home in the afternoons. Circumstances changed and I had hoped as a family we could share some of the responsibilities. I didn't think an hour once a week was unreasonable especially as she always says she will.
Hopefully the issues will resolve themselves over time and my work are being good about me coming home if we are stuck.
Thanks ah for everyone's input.

I dont think her birthday is linked to his so cancelling celebations is just a random punishment. Explain to her that if this happens again you will put her housekeeping up by x to cover the cost of the dog walker.

today she is off, complained about having to be awake to let the cleaners in at 8.30 on her day off, she has the next 4 days off.

Fine. Cancel the cleaner. DD can get up & clean the house herself.

DD is living in the family home as an adult, so the family dog is part of her domestic responsibilities.

I wouldn't cancel the birthday celebrations, but would have a serious talk about either playing a full role in ALL the domestic duties, or contributing out of her own income for a dogwalker when she can't be arsed to care for the family pet.

I'm confused. DD1 is the lazyarse who won't walk the dog, but it's DD2's birthday on Saturday?

She is generally lazy, cooks and doesn't clean up, rarely does her laundry, never changes her bed etc.

You raised her.

Hopefully the issues will resolve themselves over time
All by themselves? Is this your approach to parenting?

Why are people assuming that the daughters are paying rent ?

She said they did in the op I'll be putting up her housekeeping to cover the extra cost.

Can one of you get up earlier and take the dog for a nice long morning walk? And then a shorter one during the day won't be such an issue, if they also get a nice long one when one of you gets home.

If she agrees to walk the dog once a week for an hour but then can’t be arsed, the dog suffers. She is old enough to start taking some responsibility. I’d offer her a choice: she walks the dog by a set time or you’ll hire a dog walker on that day once a week and she’ll contribute to that instead. I see no issue with this: she has a clear choice.

I think you're being unreasonable and quite spiteful. It's your dog so you should be walking it or paying someone else to walk it if you can't.

It’s not about the dog it’s about the daughter being lazy and letting her mum down. Yes cancel the party!

Doing the maths, your younger daughter was 16 when ‘the family’ decided to get a dog. I don’t think the opinion of 16 year old should have been part of the consideration in the first place, most are flaky on the most basic responsibilities (as is shown with her teen-typical attitude to general cleanliness!).

Let’s face it, if and when she moves out, she’ll have zero responsibilities for the dog, so you’d have to find a walker for it anyway. It’s always the adults responsibility to care for the pet - I mean if you had a younger child she wouldn’t babysit in the evening, would you charge her extra for a childminder? I’m not arguing her laziness, but I don’t think you can justifiably financially sanction her either. Like it or not, the dog is ultimately only your and your husband’s responsibilities, walks and all.