To ask if anyone ever got their marriage through a series of rocky / sad patches and were then happy?!

[MaidofMuswell]

Not sure where else to post. Seems like my dh and I every few years and sometimes more commonly go through quite an unhappy patch and I don’t think it’s just ups and downs of normal marriage but hard to know as only been in my marriage :) There’s generally some kind of trigger but nothing major like bereavement. It was hard when he worked away in a not very safe country for two years as we weren’t great at long distance. It was hard when I was pregnant because I’m terrible at pregnancy, it’s been hard after each baby because he disappears into work and I feel alone. I know I share responsibility for things and wish I had a better sense or how to make things happier as tried being positive / being encouraging / angry / sad / ignoring problems / addressing problems. Nothing ever changes for the better for good. The issues as I see them and this is one sided obviously is that for reasons to do with a sad childhood his default is to close off when stressed and be quiet and less available and often work a lot and I want much much more engagement and sharing when things are bad and also good eg sharing of load and joy. We’ve done counselling twice and only been married a decade. I feel so much resentment to him because it feels like all the effort comes from me but I do think he is a kind and good man and under the resentment I do love him. I think when we got together in early twenties a lot of the bond was based on good sex and shared interests in pubs and going out / chat that gets harder with small kids and even though we were together five years before getting married maybe just didn’t realise all this. We have two beautiful little kids, great friends and good jobs and just keep making each other unhappy. He deserves to be happier than he is and so do I.

Has anyone been in a similar boat and managed to move forward? Or kindest to call time?

No real advice to give as its so specific to your relationship, but came across your post while searching for another and saw no one had replied yet.
Im not sure what the answer is but always keep in mind that the first few years with children is really, really, really bloody hard on relationships. I wouldn't feel confident in my own case to make a judgement on something as big as our whole relationship during the fog of these years. If your kids are older then I apologise for making assumptions!

No one can tell you when it's time to give up, but I think it often gets to a tipping point where the idea of staying feels worse than the idea of splitting up. Whatever happens, take time to talk it out with him. Would he be surprised that you are having these thoughts?

I agree that the 1st few years after kids are very hard. It's when my marriage broke down. I sometimes look at my ex (we are both remarried & get on well), and ponder how much better life would have been for us as a couple now (11 years on) our kids are 15 & 13. What was wrong boiled down to tiredness, lack of joy, appreciation and an understanding that those 5 years were always going to be tough. We didn't pull together. We get on well now and I suspect would have been happy again if all the water hadn't passed under the bridge.

I can't tell from your post whether your issues are just that or whether it is more deep-seated unhappiness with each other.

I can really relate. I married a good guy but there were bits that just went tits up and I couldn't believe I was so wrong in my judgement. We also had counselling after DC1 and things seemed to go better after that.

Then DC2 hit and about 4 years later I was ready to give it up again. We were on the verge of splitting up when I was in a life altering car accident.

The ironic thing is; about a month before the accident, I accused him of not caring enough and that I could get hit by a bus and he wouldn't know what to do to. Well, I was in a coma for 3 weeks and in hospital for 6 months! He did everything. It is now 2 and a half years later and I've realised that I am married to a wonderful man.

However, we were in such a bad place back then that I sometimes wonder how our lives would have turned out if we had split.

I don't know what to suggest (obviously being in a car accident is a bit drastic and I don't recommend it).

I do believe everyone deserves to be happy and if you could split amicably, you could still co-parent well. I know a few people that do and it can work.

Sorry, I'm not much help

Relationships are such hard work. My partner works overseas a lot and it is so hard. I have a daughter that isn't biologicaly his and that dynamic is so hard.
I went for counselling on my own to deal with some of my own issues and it definitely helped.

This relationship has taught me one thing though. We are different people (as in we are two seperate people not we have nothing in common) so it's inevitable that we will react differently to things and think differently about things.

The crux is, no matter how fraught a situation, he is my rock and i'd rather be with him and his stubborn ways than without him.

I do believe that a relationship doesn't have to last forever to be deemed a success. as long as it was happy it was good, even if it only lasted 10 years. or 5. We grow constantly, our opinions and behaviours adapt. What once attracted us to a partner could have morphed into something unrecognisable. It's important that we acknowledge these things and weigh up whether we can accept the changes or we can't.

I hope you are ok OP. Do you have someone non-judgemental that you can air these issues with. Sometimes it's not a deal breaker but you can feel a little trapped and it's totally ok to feel this way.

I agree @Brakebackcyclebot. It's so nice to hear of people that split up but still get on. Well done.

I've read that resentment and indifference are harder for a marriage to recover from than anger. It's a constant chip-chip-chip away.

No marriage is perfect, but I do think it's significant that you seem to feel that he's disappeared and withdrawn when you've most needed support. I can't work out whether when you say 'nothing major like bereavement' you just mean that you haven't faced anything like that or that you have and it didn't happen then? That would make a massive difference to me. I think that no relationship can be worth it if you don't feel like you're really in each others corner when life throws its worst at you.

If its any help, I think everyone does. Marriage has to be worked at, and it's hard work making something sucessful, its about negotiation, compromise, communication and support.

In the same boat here. Busy lives, work, kids (10&5) and we recently spoke about a friendly split.
But it’s driven more by me, then unite in common project (house renovation, party planning) and i wonder if we are actually quite ok together.
Lack of common things and time together might be at the core for us so we (I mostly) are not acting on splitting yet.
I wonder also that grass might not be greener.

My marriage is just like this, we seem to go in waves and troughs and have had huge periods of resentment and indifference triggered by lots of normal life changes.

We had counselling last year when I said it was that or divorce (and TBH we only really went for it because it was cheaper than divorce!) and it really helped us. If we could afford it, I'd keep the marriage counselling going as an every couple of weeks/ once a month check in type of thing.

It's hard because I know my husband is a good man and I don't think I'm too awful myself but resentment builds up and you tend to fall into the same ruts.

Things are pretty good between us at the moment, the kids are a tiny bit older so a tiny bit less needy, we both exercise which helps our own mental health. I think we could do with making more time for each other but I definitely feel less resentful than I did and I never thought that would happen.

I hope you find a way to work through your problems positivity.