To feel a bit insulted by "this is the best you've ever looked"

[Eastie77]

An acquaintance who has known me for about 10 years said this to me today. She knew me pre-kids when I was slim with a flat-ish stomach. I now have 2 DC, roughly the same dress size but have diastatis recti so still look pregnant in certain clothes. I'm currently doing the MuTu programme and seeing a bit of progress after 4 weeks.

Anyway I'm a little bit jarred by this woman's comment. It seems to suggest she thinks I've looked a bit of a mess for the past 10'years including the years when I didn't have DC (they are 6 and 4). I feel like if was a passive aggressive insult!

I don't think so. I think it was a clumsy attempt at letting you know that you're looking great. It's possible the MuTu is helping you in other ways aside from your stomach. Maybe your skin's looking great and you're glowing in general?

She was trying to pay you a compliment. What was the context? Have you changed your appearance recently? Were you moaning about your body?

I wouldn't take it that I'd looked rubbish until that point. Rather, she thinks you usually look really nice, but today, you look fantastic.

You’re taking it too literally. Often ordinary compliments can be nice, but if overthought are a hit mean to the former ‘you’. It isn’t meant like that, unless the other person actually says that you used to look dreadful.

Ok, perhaps I'm over thinking it Context is we were just chatting generally when she stopped mid sentence and said "oh you've lost weight". She then looked me up and down and made the comment that it's the best she's ever seen me. Maybe she meant since I had the kids.

Given that she's known me so long and has (I thought) seen me on occasions when I think I looked much more presentable than I do nowadays I was a bit thrown! My skin is not great and looks no better or worse than it did years ago. My dress sense has definitely taken a turn for the worse. I'm very conscious of my stomach so now wear mumsy floaty tops and Asda jeggings are literally the only trousers that comfortably fit.

She was just trying to be nice.

How very dare she compliment you!

What an absolute bitch.

This is why I'm terrified to compliment anyone, some people always manage to flip it into an insult! It sounds like she was just being nice! Smile, accept the compliment, move on.

I agree OP, I think compliments which compare how you look now to how you used to look can feel a bit hurtful. It's easy enough to say "You look wonderful!" without adding something like "So much better than before".

So many people on Mumsnet views nicely meant compliments with SUCH suspicion!

I have a good friend who used to weigh around 7 stone, was super slim and is very pretty.

She had a baby a year ago and is slightly more...I guess filled out I suppose? Maybe a size or two bigger. BUT she's so happy, it emanates from her. She loves being a mum, her son is thriving and honestly she looks SO much better than she ever used to. She looks confident, healthy and happy. Just glowing.

It's much more than bloody dress size. There's no comparison to before kids and after kids, it's just that she looks fantastic and I'd say the best she's ever looked!

If I said that to her I'd mean it as such a compliment, I'd hate it if she took it as anything else. She just looks like herself, you know? Maybe your friend felt the same?

She just thinks you look good! Maybe you do!!!

@SnakesAndStones thank you! This is what I mean. A comment along the lines of "you look great" is obviously lovely. But the inference that I've looked a lot worse in the decade she's known me is what rankled.

I don't think she's a bitch and I don't look down on compliments. I just generally wouldn't think to compliment some one and hint that they looked a bit shit previously in the same breath!

I'd just take the compliment. It's likely to have been genuine.

Honestly I think it says more about you and how you're interpreting it with a negative spin than her intention. Do you suffer with low self esteem?

She was being nice.

My colleague is the Queen of backhanded compliments. I just take them in the manner they were intended which is genuinely positive but if I were very sensitive she could destroy me

Sorry OP, I think YABU.

I think she was being kind. I looked in the mirror last week and though ‘yes you look alright today’ went on the school run and one mum said to me ‘ you look really tired’ I just laughed it off, don’t take things to personally or to heart.

Oh for crying out loud, she's being polite! Trying to make you feel good about yourself! Take it in the spirit it was clearly intended.

@NottonightJosepheen I completely agree.
The appraising look and then feeling the need to tell me I look better than I ever did previously was not appreciated. I wonder what she'll think next time she sees me since she is apparently conducting a running assessment of my appearance over time.

Also, we were discussing something entirely unrelated to my appearance which made this random comment all the more troubling.

I think you're maybe overthinking this, I'm sure she was just trying to compliment you and didn't realise how it sounded.

I said similar to a friend once about a new haircut, can't remember exactly but something like 'Wow you really suit that, what a difference from before!'. I was mentally punching myself in the face after I said it, the words just popped out before I had even thought about what I was saying! Thankfully my friend saw the funny side (I think!) while I spluttered out an apology