To want to adopt

[magpiecounter]

My DH and I are going through IVF and because of certain factors the odds are quite tough for us. Age is one factor on my part especially. In order to get through the potential disappointment I said that if it doesn't work we could then look into adoption. I wanted to do adoption from the start but DH wanted to explore all our options including IVF and ICSI so I agreed thinking we could do all that and then adopt.

My DH has said a flat out no. He doesn't want to raise someone else's child. He wants his own child. End of story.

I explained that any adopted child would be our child and would be no different to a genetic child. Also he does already have his own child as we have a child already so it's not like he would be forever without passing on his genes.

I just want our child to have a sibling and there are children out there who need a home. I've not mentioned it again since we had a falling out over it last week but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to adopt.

Am I being unreasonable?

Neither of you is being unreasonable.

Yes at the moment yabu. Your reasons are all wrong. Come over to the adoption board and start reading. And ask there not here. It's very welcoming and we can explain things you need to think about and be aware of.

Neither of you are really being unreasonable.
But it is probably better to adopt because you want to do so for the sake of that child rather than to meet your needs or the needs of the child you already have.
Some adoptions work out brilliantly without much angst at all, some are a success but a considerable amount of additional work is required and others fail.
I would second spending time talking to people who have been this process to understand some of the potential issues.

YANBU to want to adopt over IVF. But if that’s how he feels about adoptive children, then you wouldn’t be approved for adoption anyway even if you talked him round into applying - it wouldn’t be at all fair on the child.

If he doesn't want to adopt, you shouldn't. A child should be wanted by both parents (if 2 are involved).
I don't understand reasoning like that though ... "someone else's child", "my own child" ... I don't understand why people think their genes are so much better than others, that a child needs to have 50% of it.

It’s not unreasonable to feel positively or negatively about adoption.

You’re not on the same page. That’s something you need to work out but I’d just focus on the IVF for now. You might need the help of a counsellor to help you both talk through what happens if it doesn’t work.

Your DH might need time.
6 months after we finished IVF we explored adoption.
DH wasn't in the right place and we shelved it.
A year later we went back, and ended up eventually adopting 2 lovely girls.

In the intervening year DH processed the 'my own child' bit and understood that, for us, it wasn't 'our child' v 'someone else's', it was actually 'someone else's' v 'not being parents'.

Obviously in your case you already have a birth child so it is a bit different. There may also be more risks to your family bringing in a child that needs adoption.

Personally I'd:

• do as much as you want with IVF without talking about adoption
• have a break to recover and to mull over next steps
• see if your DH will go to a 'no commitment' information evening
• then see how you both feel

There is no rush.

It /the child would be different from a genetic child. It can work amazingly and does but it’s a whole different ballgame from having a birth child. Unfortunately you do have to both be equally committed to the process.

You have to have a significant period of time elapse between any infertility treatments and being accepted to even be assessed for adoption so perhaps at this stage it’s best to agree to revisit the idea at a later date if you are unsuccessful.

If DH is still unwilling I’m afraid you will have to accept his decision as being final.