Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want it to always be left to me!

26 replies

RunawayBeans · 17/07/2019 15:18

NC for this!

My DP of 6 years has always left getting gifts for people to me, but loves giving input into what 'we' should get. I say 'we' because I always end up paying. I used to love getting gifts, not extravagant but thoughtful ones, now it's just a chore!

His DSis's twins are turning 3 this weekend. He wasn't sure he wanted to go and see them(another story), but has just decided we will go across in the afternoon.

I was looking for gifts, suggested a little camera each (a VTech type, nothing fancy) he said no, sticker books. I hate sticker books. I said perhaps he could look for something for them/pick some sticker books up if he was sure, he said it's me that wants to get something so I should look!!

AIBU to have said nah, probably won't be delivered in time so we'll just see if we see anything when we're out (we don't go out)? He went along with it but I can see them ending up with nothing.

It's always me that gets for everyone, if I didn't no one would get anything!

Possibly just a bit touchy today but jeez!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 15:20

Can you not just suggest he selects and buys the gifts for his friends and relatives? Really no idea why you're doing it.

If they don't get anything, explain why.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2019 15:20

You teach people how to treat you. Why do you do his admin for him? If he can't be arsed, why should you be? Just say you're not doing it and stop.

Do you do all the housework as well?

MTBMummy · 17/07/2019 15:21

You are not being unreasonable, it's a major annoyance of mine, especially for young children, I just pointed mine at the wicked Uncle website and it reminds you well in advance and makes decent suggestions based on interests (it even sends a thank you card to send back to the sender)

Highly recommend sending him the link and leaving him to it

flouncyfanny · 17/07/2019 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mbosnz · 17/07/2019 15:26

If you're going to be muggins enough to do all the gift purchasing (which if you're as fed up with it as you understandably sound, you really shouldn't), you should be clear that you will buy what you deem appropriate, and the only response he gets to make is, 'gosh, thank you love, I really appreciate you going to the trouble and expense'.

Any other response, personally, for me would be met with, 'you do yours, and I'll do mine'. Especially since you're doing the paying - that's beyond rude!

thecatsthecats · 17/07/2019 15:32

You're probably going to get lots of responses "his family = his responsibility" but if he's not going to bother then that's a bit mean for little kids.

Former little kid here who has eight blood aunts and uncles. My present relationship with them has absolutely no bearing on what they bought me as a child. In fact, I'd say it's inversely proportionate, oddly enough!

Time for women to stop shouldering the burden of what is or isn't good for children and families!

(ok, I should have got my own twin niece and nephews presents for their 10th... and my husband didn't remind me, the bastard!)

Original poster
RunawayBeans · 17/07/2019 15:33

Thanks everyone.

I started off buying the gifts because I loved it, I still do love buying for my family, but he puts so many restrictions on what 'we' should get his now it's just not enjoyable anymore.

I agree it would be sad for the kids to get nothing, but why should it be down to me to get them anything? He won't even buy the cards!

I have been a bit of a mug for doing it, while I enjoyed it though I didn't care. As it is I can't be bothered anymore!

@MTBMummy I've seen that website - I'll send him the link, but don't think he'll look!

@MrsTerryPratchett no, I don't do all the housework, whoever is around does it generally..

I'd love to get them little cameras but he thinks they'll just keep clicking (surely that's the idea?!) and would prefer stickers...!

OP posts:
Original poster
RunawayBeans · 17/07/2019 15:35

@thecatsthecats that's a lot of aunts and uncles!!

It's not about how much things are or how big they are, but can you imagine not getting a little 3 year old anything? DSiL's older child is 11 so we don't get big toys or anything for her, just a little token gift.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2019 15:36

but he puts so many restrictions on what 'we' should get his now it's just not enjoyable anymore.

He's management, you're staff. Hmm

Bookaholic73 · 17/07/2019 15:38

@RunawayBeans I would just tell your OH that you won’t be doing it anymore.
Give him a list of websites that you look at for presents maybe, if you want to be helpful, but tell him that he has to take responsibility for his families present buying.

Original poster
RunawayBeans · 17/07/2019 15:40

@MrsTerryPratchett Perhaps I should go on a work to rule then..!

@Bookaholic73 I've just told him that he should have a look online and see if there is anything he comes across, otherwise they'll just have to have a card! He won't look.. He'll ask me on Sunday what we've got them!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 17/07/2019 15:40

Kids these days are so deprived, aren't they? It's the end of the world if they don't get a present from an uncle? I think not, baby puppy!

Ellisandra · 17/07/2019 15:40

Why are you putting up with shit?

I get that you started out buying because you enjoyed choosing. (and I’m going to guess you also enjoyed being the lovely girlfriend running around after him, not a criticism, more a wry smile of experience!)

I don’t understand why you were ever the one paying.

But that’s in the past. You know why you started. And you know you don’t enjoy it now. So time to tell him - it’s a pita sorting out all your presents, let alone paying for them, so from now on - you do it.

Let him get sticker books.
Perfectly good present.
You CANNOT complain about him interfering and then refuse his suggestions. Let him get on with it.

Ellisandra · 17/07/2019 15:42

You need to tell him NOW that you’re not doing it any more. Don’t just wait for him to ask you on Sunday - tell him NOW “when you ask me on Sunday, the answer will be: nothing”.

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2019 15:43

If you’re buying and doing all the legwork, and he absolutely genuinely won’t bother his arse, then get what you like.

Why would you even take his opinion into account?

DerelictWreck · 17/07/2019 15:44

I wholeheartedly agree - leave it to him

But, tell him that's what you're doing or you can bet that it'll be all your fault in front of everyone.

PickAChew · 17/07/2019 15:46

Those little v-tech cameras are quite pricey. Save your money and buy them something cheaper, of your choosing, and make it clear that this is the last time you do this for any of his family. If he refuses to do it, why should you?

Ellisandra · 17/07/2019 15:51

Not wanting to rain on your parade, but Vtech cameras are over priced rubbish in my opinion. At 3, they can take decent pictures on an iPhone. Get the phones, and charge your boyfriend Wink

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2019 15:55

Perhaps I should go on a work to rule then..!

You should. But you're not going to, are you? You have lots of options:

Stop buying anything and when he asks what you got you say, "I told you I wasn't doing it any more"
You buy whatever you want, pay for it and let the DSis know it's from you, not him.
Ask him for money BEFORE you buy
When he suggests sticker books (perfectly fine for a 3 yo) you say, "great, you're buying them because it's your idea and your DSis".
Tell him he's a sexist, lazy, tight fucker who can't be arsed to do the basic minimum adulting and you're done with his bullshit.

I'd go with the last option.

Does he do anything for you that you can do yourself while you direct him? And he pays?

Original poster
RunawayBeans · 17/07/2019 15:57

Thanks again everyone!

I've told him he'll need to pop out and get them gifts, if he wants to give them anything, because I don;t have the time or inclination to do it!

I'll order them a couple of phones on his account on my lunch tomorrow though - good idea! [joke!]

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 17/07/2019 15:58

There is quite a price difference between 2x sticker pls and 2x Vtech cameras. Perhaps he can’t aggird your gifts, that’s why you end up paying?

Regardless, it’s a crap situation. Either buy what you like and say it’s from you or let him buy what he likes. If he forgets that’s his problem.

littlemeitslyn · 17/07/2019 16:02

Yes reccomend Wicked Uncle x

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2019 16:08

Why do you pay for it though? Surely he should pay for presents for his family. He should sort them out and buy them too. You're a mug

SavingSpaces2019 · 17/07/2019 16:11

YABU!!!!!!
Nobody is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to choose - and pay for- HIS families gifts.
YOU choose to be a mug.

Butterymuffin · 17/07/2019 16:18

If you're happy to buy and enjoy doing it, then carry on - but tell him you're not interested in his 'suggestions' as they don't help and it's you doing the work. Just buy what you want to buy as NoSquirrelssaid. If he complains about your choices, say 'look, we both know you like interfering but you always leave the actual work to me, so I'm just not going to act on your suggestions anymore. The day you show up with the presents bought and wrapped will be the day people get what you've picked'
Oh and start allocating money from your joint budget to cover all presents you have as a couple.