In being very upset and disappointed and a little annoyed that mother of friend has not given permission for me to speak at funeral?

[newlifenewname]

I asked funeral director to liaise and just had call back to say that my friend's mother has said it is no reflection on me but she wants the service over quickly.

okay, but what about the rest of us for whom saying goodbye 'properly' and personally is important.

I empathise, I really do, but I also feel this is quite a selfish reason.

nlnn. ive read your other threads and understand your frustration. i think some kind of service later is a good idea.

i also think writing down what you wanted to say (as someone mentioned earlier)and placing it with the flowers would be good to get out what you want to say now iyswim?

all the best to you x

Actually i think yanbu in this case for being annoyed but think you do have to accept the decision. Maybe understand that people make some very strange decisions in greif? My cousins wife tried to ban my cousin from their son's funeral (he died at 6 waiting for a heart tranplsnt) and did manage to rpevent him walking behind the coffin. Many members of the family won't forgive her (I dont mean my cousin, he's allowed to be angry) but i think its very ahrsh to jusge anyone on decisions amde at such a time.

agree with peachy.

His Mum is his next of kin presumably so she has to make the decisions.

I think you and his other friends should get to gether at another time to remember your friend so you can all talk about him and share your memories

new life, apologies for not reading your earlier threads and knowing the full story ( mumsnet is just too big sometimes!) I think it may take a while for you to plan a memorial service with friends etc - you can discretely mention it at the funeral to people who may be receptive. Can i suggest that you plan something lovely to do the night of the funeral. go somewhere that you and your friend went, play some songs you both loved, have some solitude so that you can say goodbye in your own way.

No need to apologise - is good to get an unbiased view too!

Hello, can i also just add that actually you might want to try seeingthe funeral as a part of the grieving process rather than the moment of closure. Won't bother you with the background but my fathers funeral was really difficult and i had little imput. Fortunately I let that go once I realised the day was going to be hijacked by others for their own reasons ( guilt, attention seeking, emotional drams) and I let it all go. I said a quiet goodbye to my dad on the day but I came back to his grave a couple of weeks later and my family and i did what we wanted to do , said what we wanted to say in priovate.
my dad would have been horrified by tension and discord at his funeral. He would have absoloutely understood what I did instead.
Believe me, please believe me - to attend the funeral of someone you love when all you can see is the behaviour of others and all you can focus on is petty grievances - is a hideous thing. THAT will make you far sadder than anything else.
Attend, keep your friend in your heart and be as dignified and as loving to him in death by resopecting his family.
At this time anger is so much easier than grief. You have to let it go. You may well be right to be angry but it is, in the scheme of thing, compared to the loss of him. just nonsense

I can understand why you are upset, and I would be too, but I really think that it is the mother's place to decide who will speak at her child's funeral....

So YANBU to want to speak, and be upset that you can't, but YABU for thinking the mother is "selfish".

nLnn

Have you ever thought of calling the samaritinas

newlife, I can totally understand why you feel this way. Your friend was obviously hugely damaged by his family. Of course that's why she is saying you can't speak; she is trying to control things and keep things under wraps, like she has his whole life I guess. And a lot of it will be denial too; she can think about things in the way that she needs to, if she has not got friends there who may be about to say something very very difficult for her to hear.

Accept it graciously but do definitely do as others have said here, and plan your own 'goodbye'. I think it should be whatever you like best; doesn't have to be anything formal, maybe even a visit to a place you or your friend loved, a picnic, and some words said....

best of luck.

nlnn, this must be incredibly painful for you. i personally think that once a parent abuses a child they relinquish the parent title and respect. however it seems that she's controlling this funeral and short of standing up without her consent there doesn't appear that you can do much.

i would definitely hold another meeting / ceremony so that you can pay your last respects in the way you see fitting.