In being very upset and disappointed and a little annoyed that mother of friend has not given permission for me to speak at funeral?

[newlifenewname]

I asked funeral director to liaise and just had call back to say that my friend's mother has said it is no reflection on me but she wants the service over quickly.

okay, but what about the rest of us for whom saying goodbye 'properly' and personally is important.

I empathise, I really do, but I also feel this is quite a selfish reason.

What an extraordinary attitude.

What a thing to say about someone who has lost her son - to insinnuate that she has no interest in saying goodbye properly.

I'm sure its an emotiaonal time and that under normal circumstances you would not have this self centred attitude - i would hope so anyway.

speaking at his funeral will not be the only chance you have to say what you want to your dear friend.
Perhaps you could write what you would have said and leave it with the flowers and tributes. People will read it and understand how much you are hurting.

muminbrum that is a very good idea. I am upset, I really am and feel so helpless.

I like the way every assumes your friend is a girl and that she had a loving relationship whith her mother!!!!

I would say you cant make the mother let you speak and if she wants it other quickly there isnt anything you can do - All of his good friends will know what a good person he was.Why dont you do something special for your friend away from the funeral.

So sorry you have lost a friend hope all goes well x

Yes, sorry for your loss.

I think you and the friends should arrange your own memorial together, and say what you need as farewell. You could invite his mum if you want to, then it is up to her if she wants to come and hear what you all have to say.

agree with Sparkletastic, why do you arrange a 'do' of some kind with other friends, and you can all speak about him celebrate his life, share memories, listen to significant songs, etc, and have a shared 'goodbye'.

it's a male friend who has died, the OP has said that.

There's clearly more going on here than we can judge. Suicide is hideous for those left behind, one of the most terrible things that can happen. What's the point of showering NLNN with self-righteous shock? His mother can't help how she feels, we all get that. His friends can't, either.

I thought the memorial service a year on was a good suggestion. Would that work? Or could you hold some sort of simple ceremony yourself, with some friends, to talk through memories of him and maybe a few short readings, or lay flowers? I think I would want to do something like that if I had lost a friend suddenly.

having read your subsequent posts - I agree a memorial service at a local church would be an idea. You don;t have to wait a year if you don;t want to though I think 3 motnhs would be enough to distance it from the funeral.

Funerals are rarely a good way for friends to say their goodbyes personally - they are usually a family time rather than a time for friends.

Can you find another way of saying goodbye to your friend 'properly'? Maybe arrange something where you and some of his other friends can have your own memorial to him. Sing songs, reminisce, read poems, climg a mountain, have a picnic, toast him with champagne, let balloons go, whatever you feel would be a more personal way to remember your friend.

You phrased the thread title badly I think. Obviously this is a situation fraught with tension and his mum is probably right, it probably is best over quickly. I mean you probably don't want to be spending too much time with his abusers, really? Much better off to have your own service in a while.
I Ireland there is such a thing as a 'months mind mass' which is held a month after the funeral and people close to the deceased go to remember them.

ok. i hear what you are all saying but this is the same woman that said to him "if I ever hear you are having therapy I will disown you" He was in therapy for about 7 years fgs.

Does anyone get my anger - I feel like he couldn't get acknowledgement of the abuse while alive and now even his funeral will be about him killing himself because he was 'mentally handicapped' (donations to mencap requested by parents) and not the real reasons.

I was going to say soemthing positive about love at the funeral as hope for the future...didn't want to say anyhting pointed at all.

I will find another way but right now I am smarting, less because I can' speak but more because he could not speak.

newlifenewname a memorial as suggested sounds very good idea.you can remember him for who he was to you and what he ment to you.sorry for your loss.

when my sister died there was no speeches, no one stood and did readings (other than the vicar) and the ceremony was over as quickly as my mother could make it.

my sister is most c ertainly not a guilty secret, nor is she brushed under the carpet.

i can sympathise with your concern that because of the previous abuse you feel she is not allowing your friend the service you feel he would have wanted but ultimatly this woman is his nearest relative and therrfore she is in charge of the proceedings.

as odd as this sounds abuse does not equate to there being no love.
this woman may well be an emotional wreck through the loss of her son.

just because she does not act in the way you would like does not give you the right to minimise her pain or grief.

I will definitely try and get together with his few friends and do something.

I don't mind being berated here - I do understand that I am being unreasonable to some extent but it is quite complex and my annoyance/anger is more about other stuff than the actual service I think.

nlnn - many of us hadn't read the earlier thread about his death and if you re-read your OP you will see why people are jumping to the conclusion that it is about you wanting to say goodbye over the wishes of a grieving mother.

However hard - it is still up to his mother what happens at the funeral. Start planning his memeorial now, it will give you something to hang onto and you can start consulting his otehr friends now about teh content.

Maybe she's scared of what you might say?

mamazon what you said
" as odd as this sounds abuse does not equate to there being no love."
Thats really moved me for very personal reasons. Thankyou.

your welcome.

I really couldn't see the wood for the trees when I posted this and could not see ANY other way of remembering him and celebrating him and the person he was.

It was all starting to feel like one closed door after another. First I wanted to see him, but couldn't because of deterioration of the body, then I was told it was not even advisable to be near his casket and I kind of feel denied which is horrible when I am feeling so guilty about falling asleep the night I was supposed to be talking to him and then finding out he was last seen alive the day before.

he always said to me that talking when he was having flashbacks was helpful in stopping him self harm.

Hi Newlifenewname. I have read your previous posts. I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend and I don't think you ar ebeing unreasonable. If the evil mother won't let you read at the church, how about reading something at the cemetary with some of your other friends? Surely she can't make a scene.. or as another poster said have a mass said for him a month after. Also done in France (catholic country like Rep. of Ireland). xx

newlifenewname im sure you were a great friend to him.

Oh you poor thing, He knew you loved him! you did not let him down in any way [hug]

nlnn

i totally get what youre saying now about him not being able to have his say, or for his voice to be heard.
i guess you will have to celebrate his life after the funeral, in your own way, with his friends all around who understood what went on?

newlifenewname - I sympathise and I think this must be awful - knowing that your dear friend's funeral, as well as his life and his tragic death, is in the hands of abusive people he could never get away from. However there's nothing you can do as far as the funeral itself goes as it is, rightly or wrongly, his family's business to decide the details. I would attend the funeral in a calm and dignified way and plan your own fitting ceremony for later, with his friends, where no one who hurt him or contributed to his death will be present and so that will be his true, loving and uncompromised send-off. I'm sure his mother does need to grieve and she must be a very tormented and unhappy soul herself, but because of what happened in his life the family funeral will surely be an unresolved and unsatisfying event for those who know the truth. Just tell yourself you can and will do better by him in your own way, and focus on planning your own memorial. I'm sure when you have it it will help you to grieve properly in a way that the official funeral won't.

Thanks for ALL your replies - the incredulous and the understanding, they are all helpful.

Thanks too for the fab suggestions. I have saved the thread so I can start planning something.

I think that my friend would have wanted us to respect his mother's grief. He loved his mother because she was his mum, regardless of what she did. I have always felt that she must have had some terrible 'demons' herself and that she deserves compassion. Right now I feel both compassion and anger but the anger is prevailing because of what is about to happen.

I will be going in order to say goodbye and I will show my support to his mother because if my friend were here he would have given his mum a big hug of support and would not have wanted to see her hurting so much. Regardless of everything.