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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing my daughter to see her grandmother

27 replies

sl07 · 17/07/2019 13:30

I need some opinions please

My mother is a very vindictive, jealous and negative woman. We have clashed immensely while I was growing up then when I was 11 she decided to not allow me to live with her and her boyfriend so I had to stay with other family until I was 18. (Just mentioning, I wasn't a wild child or anything, I was actually quite a shy).

Moving on, I recently had a conversation with her asking why she is so negative, and her response is "I don't like people" then she responded with " I have no feelings towards people, I don't care for people's emotions" so I said, what if your mom died tomorrow, would you feel devastated, and she replied with "No, I wouldn't feel devastated, I have no emotions". I don't get this, maybe it's because I'm an emotional person and even though I don't like my mother, I would be devastated if she had died.

So after those comments and despite her never meeting my daughter yet - I don't think I want my daughter to be around someone who has no feelings towards her.

Please tell me your thoughts

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 17/07/2019 13:38

She sounds quite damaged. Have you asked her how she would feel about not seeing you or your child?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2019 13:39

She was a crap to you and there’s no reason to believe she’d be a better grandmother to your daughter. Your DD won’t get anything positive from contact with her.

Amibeingdaft81 · 17/07/2019 13:39

Why are YOU around her?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 13:41

I don't understand why YOU even speak to her. She sounds horrible. Your daughter will be better off without this woman in her life.

F2Feee · 17/07/2019 13:43

Why are you even bothered with her? She abandoned you as a child. I dont understand why you are even giving her head space.

Teddybear45 · 17/07/2019 13:45

Sounds like she has deep seated mental health issues and probably just hasn’t bothered to diagnose herself yet. Your daughter would be better off not knowing her.

MyOpinionIsValid · 17/07/2019 13:46

How old is your daughter ?

You mother sounds liek my grandmother - vicious, cold, bitter, vindictive and negative.

Hedgehogblues · 17/07/2019 13:46

My parents are so toxic that they don't even know that my child exists. Do what you need to to keep your daughter and yourself safe

Piffle11 · 17/07/2019 13:48

As soon as I read the word 'vindictive' I'd made my mind up … no, don't let your DD anywhere near this woman. She couldn't possibly get anything positive out of a relationship with her. If I were you, I'd be cutting off contact, too. The fact that she keeps reiterating that she has no care for people or their feelings should tell you that she's never going to be the mother or grandmother you would hope her to be. She does not care about your DD or her feelings, so why set up DD for failure?

Original poster
sl07 · 17/07/2019 13:52

The only reason I keep minimal contact is that I still care about her unfortunately.

I spoke to her about her mental health and perhaps seeing a therapist might help - she totally shut me down.

I've spoken to my partner about this and he said "you can't help people that don't want to be helped"

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 17/07/2019 13:57

Perhaps she is a sociopath. Perhaps it is a different mental health problem. Either way, you have to assess the situation based on her actions, not her diagnosis or lack of diagnosis.

It sounds like she won't give 2 hoots about having a relationship with her daughter, so - apart from your own sorrow at your neglected & difficult childhood - it's unlikely to cause a problem for you if you simply go low contact, & NC for your daughter.

Good luck, & congratulations on surviving your mother & determining a better childhood for your girl.

AbbyNormal · 17/07/2019 13:58

YANBU. She doesn't sound like someone you or your DD need to be around. I get it though - you still caring for her despite her being toxic. I'm NC with my DM for the third time because she fucks up every time and I keep forgiving it eventually. But I'm sticking to my guns this time. My DC don't see her and they're better off for it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 14:00

you can't help people that don't want to be helped

Your partner is spot on.

Well done for getting through what must have been a difficult childhood.
But I would actually get some counselling for you, to help you work out why you're still pursuing a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't value one with you.

And keep your DD well away from her negativity and toxicity.

Original poster
sl07 · 17/07/2019 14:07

Thanks everyone for the comments so far, I wanted reassurance that I am doing the right thing by not allowing my DD to see her.

I just don't want my DD asking why she doesn't see her grandmother and then having to explain the real reason why.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 14:13

What's wrong with explaining the real reason?

She's not a nice person, you don't have to explain any more than that.

Bookworm4 · 17/07/2019 14:22

@sl07
I have been NC with my mother for 14 years; she has never met my youngest DD. She is toxic; with MH conditions and was very abusive. You do not need this person in your life, if she wasn’t related to you would you bother? No you wouldn’t. Step away and look after your own MH and your DDs welfare.

llangennith · 17/07/2019 14:35

@sl07 your first step should be for YOU to see a therapist to help you cut ties with your mother. She could be in therapy a lifetime and she's not going to change.
Cut contact with her so there's no question of her meeting your daughter.

stucknoue · 17/07/2019 14:40

She definitely has mental health issues, for now I would have minimal contact but in the event she gets help be there for her

CharityConundrum · 17/07/2019 14:45

My kids have never met my dad. I just told them that he isn't kind and we don't have to spend time with people that aren't nice to us- they not only understand, but they are glad!

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 17/07/2019 14:48

She’s very damaged and could probably benefit from support and help but if she doesn’t want it there’s not much you can do. You certainly don’t owe her anything!

I would protect your daughter from her as much as possible. If that means not knowing her, I think that’s what you need to do.

Original poster
sl07 · 17/07/2019 14:55

She has previously mentioned to me before about her committing suicide etc - that's the only reason why I put up with her s**t just incase she were to do that.

OP posts:
SingingLily · 17/07/2019 14:58

On one level, I do understand why you still care about your mother despite her awful treatment of you when you were a child. The societal convention that all mothers love their children (even if they have funny ways of showing it) and that all children should love and their mothers is so strong.

However, I must ask you this. Given your mother's clearly expressed views, what benefit do you believe she would get from seeing your DD?

And even more crucially, what would your DD gain by spending time with this woman? This is what I'm struggling with. I can't see a single upside to your DD being exposed to such a cold and unloving grandmother. So why would you want to risk it? If it's purely because of that strong societal convention, then quite frankly, your daughter's mental and emotional wellbeing trumps all other considerations.

I don't know how old your DD is but an age-appropriate explanation such as "We don't go to see grandma because she's not a very nice person" might be enough. And don't, whatever you do, feel guilty. It's your job as a mum to protect your child and no one in their right mind would expect you to do anything else.

SavingSpaces2019 · 17/07/2019 15:17

she threw you out when you were 11 years old
You owe her nothing. Not your time and emotions - certainly not your precious child!

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2019 15:39

She has previously mentioned to me before about her committing suicide etc - that's the only reason why I put up with her st just incase she were to do that.

That is the worst most toxic hurtful kind of blackmail. Exactly the same thing happened to my wonderful mum who’s aunt had committed suicide which was used by my mum’s parents as a stick to beat her with for decades. “If you don’t do xyz your poor mother will probably kill her self, you know what happened with pour aunt Mary don’t you...”. Speaking as her child who was dragged into the corrosive dynamic because of my mum’s sense of guilt and obligation I look back at the damage that was caused and wish she’d said fuck it, that’s your choice and just pulled the plug on it all. I know it’s not that easy OP, of course it’s heartbreakingly awful, but it’s out and out blackmail. If she ever did decide to go through with it it absolutely wouldn’t be your fault, and given that she probably wouldn’t but knows it keeps you weakened and scared it’s just incredibly nasty.

Few people are all bad but it’s your job to protect your daughter and give her safety, security and love. Only people who respect, care for and cherish you, her mum, should be in her life.

Yeahnahmum · 17/07/2019 15:40

Sad ahe is definitely not gmum material
Keep your dd away from her

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