To be upset with friends?

[Moonlightdancer]

I've NC...I've known my two closest friends for over 15 years...I recently had a miscarriage which was a horrific experience and something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy!

Friend 1 is very successful in her work and very busy we can go for months of not speaking/texting but when we're together it's like we've not been apart. Friend 2 also very busy with a toddler, a house move from one country to another, and her work etc.

When I told friend 2 what had happened it was almost as though she didn't believe me! I almost felt interrogated (it was a very short space of time between finding out I was pregnant and the miscarriage)...friend 1 was shocked and I haven't heard anything from her since I told her...but those two have stayed in touch.

Friend two had a miscarriage the year before...I got the sense that she thought I was 'copying' her. DH was abit when I'd got off the phone...The last 8 months things have been a little strange...me and DH are in a really good place two months ago really tested us but we've come out the other side stronger than ever...I've been careful not to say anything about how we're happy in our marriage as the other two are having issues...I've felt really alone these past few months (DH has been amazing but I just wanted that female view) and needed that support but don't feel like it was there.

When friend one broke up with her husband a few years ago we were there for her and when they got back together she stayed at our house the entire time 3 months...when friend two had a miscarriage I called her every other day and flew out to see her.

AIBU to feel upset and a little let down?

Firstly I’m very sorry for your loss .

The friendships sound rather one sided. You have obviously helped them out during tough times and they’re sadly not doing the same for you at all. The friend who has experienced miscarriage should have a greater level of empathy, her reaction is extremely self centred.

@Pinktinker thanks for the that's exactly how I feel that it's all one sided! I get that friendships fizzle out but I suppose I've been clinging on because I've known them for so long!

I do have other friends but I've not known them for as long and not quite ready to tell them. Looks like I'm going to have to do some evaluating of my friendships.

I've just started to feel a little better about myself today and then 'friend' 2 has posted pics of her birthday celebrations over the years of herself and friend 1 only...including a pic of them together at my wedding...

My DH has said cut them out completely now as they are bloody horrible but I want to ask them what on Earth is going on? There has been no fall out etc with me...I feel so low...was looking forward to going out with DH for dinner but don't want to now...just want curl up and cry.

I feel like I'm back at school...do people really treat each other like this? I can honestly say there has been no nastiness from my end. I just want decent female friends who are there for me as I am for them...what am I doing wrong?

I would concentrate on other friendships and develop those for now. I wouldn't invest anything further with these 2 currently. Don't waste energy on them.

You've had a very distressing experience and you need to be nice to yourself and also concentrate on your DH.

I don't think you can tell long term what will happen with them but just park them for now.

Take care.

Thanks for your reply...DH has pointed quite a few things that have happened over the years and how I've felt about things and they've been at the centre of it including a couple of things in the lead up to our wedding.

I suppose I've just thought that as I've had friends come and go they've always been the ones that stuck around but starting to realise that friendships I have now even though not very long do mean a hell of a lot more after DH has pointed out what recent friends have done for me and how they've made me feel i.e not like I currently feel now.

It's so painful when you realise that people that you thought were friends, aren't that great.

It took me about six months to get over one friend who ghosted me out of the blue and became firm pals with a woman who had also been a friend of mine.

It'll take time for you to move on from these two. But I think, given all the incidents you've highlighted, it's time that you take no more nonsense from them and try to detach.

They won't tell you or explain why they're behaving this way. So I wouldn't bother asking them.

You just have to lick your wounds, not go back for more punishment and actively seek new friends.

Oh and should one of them contact you, do not discuss the other friend with them. It'll get reported straight back and could be used against you.

Neutral, polite and keep your private stuff away from them from now on.

Sounds like your DH has good insight...

They don’t sound great, but you’ve put in a lot and expect that back. I have a friend who is like you and gets annoyed when she doesn’t get the same back, but not everyone wants that high level of support from a friend. I would stop investing so much in the friendships and see what happens.
Even if Someone has experienced something it doesn’t mean they’re naturally good at sympathy for a friend going through similar.

@JustDanceAddict I don't think I get annoyed I'm more hurt than anything else. Yes I've invested in these friendships the most as they have known me the longest and vice versa. Obviously things change over time but we have always come back to each other for the big stuff weddings, births, deaths, marriage break up, health scares, family dramas (especially mine as I had a very difficult childhood and not close to my siblings at all and friend 1 is the same with hers) when things have happened.

Anyway lots of reviewing and talking with DH last night, plus the current female friends (3) I have met over the last few years have given me more of what I needed and I have to them (they have said this to me) it's obvious I have outgrown them and vice versa just feel really sad but life goes on...the only thing I am truly investing into and have been along is DH and our marriage. Thanks for the replies all it's really appreciated.

for you OP

I've had MCs, and all sorts of other life threatening illnesses (both me and my DS). You do find out

• who your friends are
• which friends can "handle" that sort of thing

So it sorts the wheat from the chaff, but I've hung onto some chaff type friends as they are good friends in other ways but shit at dealing with stuff.

@AlpenCrazy thanks for the flowers and very true. The friends I have now are a real mixture which I really like and as I get to know them more and they get to know me I'll be happier.