Boyfriend's domestic efforts

[Crossornot]

This is going to be VERY dull, apologies.

DP is a lawyer at a very demanding firm. He often works late and is really always on call. Because of the unpredictability of his work schedule we have fallen into the habit of my messaging him asking if he’ll be home in the evening and if he will be buying dinner for both of us, as opposed to just me.

Yesterday I did just that and picked up dinner on my way home from work, though he in fact got back before me that particular night. Tomorrow he is away for work. This afternoon he text me to ask what my plans were tonight and said he’d be able to work from home - that was all. Some time later, after other messages had been exchanged, I asked him if he could go to the shop. He said “ok. Will be later than yesterday. Going to go for one drink first.” I responded to say (partly in jest!) “so I toil bringing home the shopping last night, tomorrow you’re away and tonight you have time for a drink before needing to work from home!” He replied “pretty much yes.”

I then became furious and we proceeded to have a lengthy text argument about my feeling unappreciated, that he assumes I’ll manage things at home and that he doesn’t make an effort. In case relevant, I also do ALL the cooking (literally), but he clears up after.

It doesn’t particularly bother me that he can carve out time for a drink; he does work horrendously hard and needs downtime. What annoys me is that I had to ask him to pick stuff up instead of him offering, and the basic assumption that he is able to carve that social time out because he knows I will arrange his dinner!

I can’t tell if I’m overreacting because I’m generally frustrated by his lack of availability, or if I have a reasonable complaint. AIBU?!

To clarify first para - I ask if he'll be home and if the answer is yes I offer to pick up dinner!

Can’t you do a weekly shop and if he’s there he’s there if not it doesn’t matter (in terms of the shopping)?

We could but the problem is my schedule is also quite unpredictable and when we do that we always end up throwing food away.

Sorry you sound like a lunatic! First world problems at their best.

Sorry but I would not be arranging my time around someone whose schedule was like your boyfriends. Or your own. With demanding jobs you need to arrange your/their own dinners, do own laundry/chores around permitting schedule. It's understood in our house that you manage your own time but you pull your weight. We arrange to eat together, or go to the supermarket or do things rather than wait for each other and assume it's the norm. Perhaps some food is wasted but it's really frustrating waiting on someone who is also busy.

What did the massive text row achieve?

Surely it would be easier to create a weekly 2 weekly menu .Then do a big shop and get it delivered to buy ingredients/ ready meal according to the amount of time you have at your disposal for cooking.
If you eat meat freeze it in portions- if not you can buy enough food for a week for 2 to keep in the fridge.
Cook together when you have time and freeze leftovers for those days when you are both pushed for time. Its not hard once you settle yourselves to the problem./
Then nobody has to toil over the shopping and cooking and you both get free time after work.

Don’t be a martyr.

This was me and DP a few years ago. Lots of late nights and unpredictable schedules. DP that doesn’t really cook.

If we were both going to be home, and I felt like cooking, I would.

If I didn’t, he would pick up food from a takeaway for us both (we lived Z1 so millions of options - even better now Deliveroo is around!)

Or maybe I would make beans on toast or pasta pesto for myself and tell him to sort himself out.

Or we would meet out to eat in a restaurant.

I expect if you weren’t home he wouldn’t be cooking at all at home. He would eat out or get an itsu on the way home or something.

If you’re cooking, he’s happy to eat with you, but he ain’t going to cook for you - so only do what you feel happy to do.

You sound quite young, why get yourself into the domestic pigeon hole?

Surely it would be easier to create a weekly 2 weekly menu

Clearly not since she says they both have u predictable schedules and don’t know what days they will be home in time to eat!

I have a friend who has a lawyer partner who works similar hours at a big firm. She still shops weekly and if he doesn’t make it home she freezes a portion and uses it for lunch or he can reheat when he’s out.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with you handling food if you’re happy with it. If you’re not then cook for yourself and ask him to order/pick up on his way home. But really your daily shopping sounds unnecessarily exhausting.

Online food shop, buy stuff that he can heat up/make when he gets home, you sort yourself out. No need for all the drama.

You can order your weekly food shopping online, do some batch cooking for the freezer curries, spag bol, chicken casserole, home made soups, i would hate to have to go shopping after a hard day at work.

Maybe you both like to live like this op, but it all sounds like far too much drama over nothing to me.
'You home tonight?'
'No, going out out for a drink after work'
'Ok, no worries, see you later.'
You then pick up what you want, or have bread in the freezer and tins of beans in the cupboard.

'You home tonight.'
'Yup, 'bout 7'
'I fancy egg and chips.'
'Me too'
chips accessed from the freezer. Eggs from a weekly online shop.

@Crossornot one of the things I found useful for these busy and unpredictable weeks are Everdine meals. I always pop up and recommend them! [grin[ Frozen ready meals that are actually healthy and tasty. No need to shop and cook when you CBA.

My partner also has an unpredictable work schedule. I tend to cook things that can easily be frozen (e.g. casseroles) and then if he ends up being out for the evening I just freeze any leftovers (or he has them for lunch the next day if it can't be frozen). That way it doesn't go to waste, and any frozen food gets eaten by me on the nights I'm dining on my own.

Yes, you need to forget about catering for him, due to the unpredictability and the fact that he never cooks for you and just sort yourself out, you're not his mother, he's not 5 and doesn't need looking after.

If he happens to be around, you could go out to eat, get a takeaway or eat from what you have in.

Think of a range of dinners that can be made easily, last a while, cooked from frozen etc.

Fresh pasta has a fridge life of a few weeks. Frozen food - batch cooked or good quality ready meals - try Cook.

Things like egg or beans on toast, fresh soup and nice bread from the freezer.

Single portions of fish cook well from frozen. Get some frozen prepped veg or sides - all supermarkets now have things like cauliflower rice, flavoured quinoa etc frozen in single portions.

Oh and talk to each other instead of arguing by text. That's just odd. And don't have children with him unless he changes massively or you want to do everything by yourself.

I also do ALL the cooking (literally), but he clears up after.

This sounds 100% equitable.
If you don't like it, why not swap tasks?