AIBU ex in house when I'm not here!?

[herewegoloopylu10]

My children's dad comes to see them on a Tuesday eve to take them to the park. He got here early and my daughter let him in. I was picking up my son on the way home from work.

My partner was asleep upstairs after a night shift and was unaware he was in here.

AIBU to ask that he ask me or my partner before coming into our house?

Depends. If the house is jointly owned, he can come and go as he pleased. He'd have more right to be there than your dp!

Well the automated Mumsnet product recommendation is definitely unreasonable.

How old is your DD? I think it's fine to tell him that in future he needs to ask an adult to come in, I wonder if she isn't old enough to follow that rule herself then perhaps she shouldn't be answering the door at all?

It's a rented house. My partner and I are joint tenants.

MRex she is 12. I understand if she didn't realise as he is her dad. He has a good relationship with the children but he wasn't that nice to me. He often didn't respect my privacy and I think this incident has unerved me a bit.

Absolutely unacceptable to come into your home without a specific invitation from you

You need to have a word with your dd too

Although it’s her dad so she wouldn’t have thought twice about asking him. Thing is, he should have taken the initiative to refuse

IMO the polite options he could (and should) have done were

1. Said to his DD that he’d wait in the car until you were back
2. Stood and chatted in the doorway with DD until you were back
3. Called you to say he was early which would have given you the option to invite him in to wait or not.

Not a chance in hell would I be happy with either mine or DPs ex’s being in the house without either of us knowing and I would have been even more uncomfortable if my DP’s ex had been in the house whilst I was asleep and oblivious

She’s 12... about to embark on her own journey to relationships and needs to understand boundaries

She’s plenty old enough to know the age appropriate truth. You need a woman to woman chat.

I'm a bit concerned about a 12 year old unsupervised downstairs. We get the odd dodgy person coming to the door. Unless she could see it was him before answering.

He wouldn’t have known when knocking on the door that your partner was asleep would he... your DD would have naturally invited him in ... awkward if she didn’t. He then realised your partner was asleep and waited for you too come back?
Would have been awkward for your daughter if he then asked to leave.??

You are not being unreasonable that it has unnerved you but your dd was a polite hospitable daughter and did exactly what you would have expected of anybody else visiting. Perhaps have a quiet word with ex and ask in the future could he text you but don't make a huge deal out of what was simply a case of him being early/you being late and your dd not wanting to leave her dad on the doorstep.

I would not even allow my oh ex in the same village as me! Like fuck would she set foot on my drive let alone the house!

Tbf, she lives a long way away and unlikely to be “just passing” but oh knows to keep her at a far distance - a lot of background means this is an absolutely 100% rational and reasonable request.

Yes you can see whose at the door from my living room and she would have been expecting him. She is well aware not to answer the door to strangers and/or unexpected visitors.

No fair enough he wouldn't have known my partner was asleep upstairs but I still feel he should have been more responsible in declining without letting me know.

I think YABU. It's not like he forced his way in and jumped into bed with your DP.
Your daughter let him to wait for his son 🙄

I agree with PP, at 12 she's old enough to understand boundaries and have called your DP down. Best to give him a heads-up as well so she isn't put into an awkward position.

I agree with @newmomof1. He came (as planned) to collect his children and was invited in by his daughter. I think it'd be weird to expect him to wait on the doorstep or in the car and your daughter would have probably thought so to.

That said, if it makes you uneasy then tell him that, but It sounds like the problem is you being uncomfortable, not him being irresponsible.

I disagree with posters saying DD should know better/act differently. I would never feel comfortable putting my DD in the position of having to make her much loved dad wait outside or in the car. It would make her feel awkward/sad or just make her think adults are being silly.

If you’re really really uncomfortable I would instead ask DD to call DP down when anyone comes to the door “for safety reasons” but I mean really unless he’s likely to rifle through your things or do any damage in the presence of your DC I’d put the intrusion down to being an annoying thing about having kids with an ex and just let him sit inside for 5 mins on the rare occasion it occurs.

Fair enough Thanks for input everyone.

Newmomof1 I see what you're getting at but surely there should be a boundary that is respected?

It's your children's home too. What is wrong withetting him in sitting in the front room knowing you'll be back any minute! I would have no issue with nor would my OH.

Yeah I agree it was probably more me being uncomfortable than anything. I wanted others pov before reacting to it.