To consider leaving cause he wont kick his son out?

[turtlesoup]

bit of background: Share a house with dp, our ds 3 and his grown up son 35!

big ds very nice guy, flamming lazy and obsessed with mountain bikes. Room like a rats nest, but not really a pain.

Problem is i'm 22wks pg and i know dp's son aint going to go without a push and i'm really getting wound up at thought of squishing new baby into a corner cause bike boy won't play grownups and get his own life and give our spare room back.

Dp quite a bit older than me, i'm only i year older than this son, so not exactly step-mum!

Bit of distance and vibes between me and dp at mo, mostly cause i'm cutting off over this. History has taught me not to step between dp and his other kids, so keeping mouth shut to dp about how trapped i feel.

Had a fantastic idea to dramatically leave at 8 months pg (when I start materinty leave), in dp's camper with ds and have new baby "somewhere else". Bit teenage I know, would make point but probably cock things up for ever more

dp coughing and doing loud yawning upstairs so better attend to cover tracks

You are so right, its so helpful to see what this looks like to fresh eyes.

This issue of where next is upto big ds to sort / choose. We have talked about it, he wants to rent nearer the city and his bike mates. Yes the rent is a good start towards reality for him.

Have "helped" plant ideas, but easily sound like my own mother and am hesitant to organise him because he is quite capable only cant be arsed.

He is actually a lovely guy, extremely popular and part of a biking "family" (grown up kids). Down side is im certain he's playing me and his dad off againt each other, and is too bloody obsessed with bikes to bother seeking a new home.

Yes i am afraid of dp. Am mostly in fear of invoking family loyalties in dp and of getting pushed aside more than i feel i am already.

Wow the desire to flee is so strong

Turtlesoup this sounds like a really tough situation all around. Your priority should be getting ready for the new baby, not tiptoeing around dp and his complicated relationships with his children. Don't forget that you, your ds and new baby are part of his family too and you shouldn't feel like second class citizens.

The reality for adult ds is that sharing a house with a newborn is no picnic. Maybe he doesn't realise what it's going to be like, he might think things aren't going to change much. Maybe you could have a chat with him and let him know how intense it is going to be. As well as giving dp a kick up the bum and getting him to think about ALL his family.

I'm so sorry you feel pushed out.

It's a bit off that dp allows such manipulation. Especially now when you need extra tlc.

I still feel though, you have to bite the bullet and make dp discuss it. He maybe will blow his top but surely afterwards he will have to discuss it rationally.

Do you feel he really loves you?

I sense too, that you seem to accept that you are lower in the 'pecking order' that his '1st' family. Is that the case?

I would take a copy of the rental in the area and ring in big red pen, everyone that he can afford and leave it on his bed.

Lisa

It is tough all round.

I wish i could find some moral high ground to fight this from but it is true, i do feel second in line to the 1st family and just relinquish everytime and let them "go first". (There is history to this, im not a woos!)

Had an awful realisation that its always going to be like this. Its hard not being accepted (god forbid welcomed) by the female of his tribe, but I have stood up and straight to them in the past, but recently i decided to stop the fight.

Now i can see that that "recently" is when i realised that dp is not on my side. It made me wince to read your words caterpiller, does he love me?

If i stand back and take it at face value, dp has made his choice already if this is left to its own devises its very likely that we (me ds and baby) will be squeezed into a corner. Dont actions speak louder than words.

When dp and i got together i had already downsized and that equilibrium remains. TBH there is more room in the camper than our stuff would occupy! Still dreaming about that one

You are absolutely right mellin, getting ready for this baby is the priority. I dred to think of the impact on our 3 year old if big ds does only wake up once the baby is here. Baby in, worshipped big brother out, change of bedroom, bed, routine.

Still going round in circles.
Fight or flight

But it's your dp's baby too! Doesn't he care about that?

35? No wonder you're pped off.

I don't think you're unreasonable, it's just a difficult situation. I do have a bit of knowledge of this sort of thing...

I speak as someone who is probably around your age. My parents are divorced. One of my grown up (full) brothers lives with my mother and step father so is like your dp's big ds in a way. His room is a rats nest as well and I suppose the way you talk about your dp's big ds is rather like my brother.

He doesn't sound like he's in a good situation or frame of mind to be kicked out and probably it would cause a big problem with his family if he was kicked out. To get this kind of person out, I don't think it is a good idea to do passive aggressive things like circling flats in the paper/putting little DS in his room etc. He has already been forced in some way from his mother's house. To a certain extent, when you take on your DP, you take his baggage as well.

I would think the best thing for you to do would be to

-confine his mess to his own bedroom
-for your little DS and your new baby to share a room (gender not too important when little)

It is likely that although he has some issues, he is not stupid and will see that he is taking up space and that new baby does not have a room. (He may feel extremely guilty about this). I would try to be kind to him - 35 is really old to live at home and he must have some kind of problem that will not be made better by being made to stand on own two feet. Can you possibly try to imagine one of your own DCs in this situation in the future?

Is is possible that your dp's big ds has some undiagnosed SN that is not visible just by looking at him?

Sorry if not helpful, just trying to share experience.

It does sound awful but I'd beware of doing anything that would make life tougher for your 3yo DS - who is going to have the shock of a new baby to deal with. i wouldn't cart him off in a van or make him sleep in the rats' nest. Could the baby be next to your bed for the first few months and then big DS's deadline will be that the baby will need a room eg when 6 months old?

I think you are right crokky. Glad to say i am kindly to big ds, he is part of the package and has had an awful time at his own mums hand.

BUT he is socially very popular and is one of the leaders in his bike group, as well as a role model and mentor to the younger / more vulnerable lads that ride out. I cant figure it out.

Happily sleep amonst chocolate wrappers and 3 month old bed sheets, gets up for work every day, cycling in the woods every other second of his life.

Thats why i think he's being lazy, easy to chuck us 300 and have the loo roll and coffee appear like magic.

But i conceed to standing back and will consider if there isnt more going on underneath.

Yes you are right, baby will be in with us at first, and this space issue could well sort its self out in time.

Snowleopard I have tried to explan to dp that it is ds age 3 whom i am most concerned for. I'd like to wish big ds would leave now, or even when baby is a few months old but im afraid if i do nothing to force the issue he will leave in a hurry just when things are hardest for little ds and all of us.

Feeling support here which is a long missed in my life. Thank you all, i have to scoot now until tom as home time for the men (did build a book shelf in between posts and receiving wisdoms tho so have fruit of the day to share)

Thanks again

has he always lived with you ? when your ds was a baby? if not ,is he in for a huge shock .He may well decide to move himself after many many disturbed nights sleep ,what about a big shed in the garden ,he can sleep there with his precious bike ( huge increase in stolen bikes ,will be safer if he sleeps chained to it ) .Good luck

At 3 bloody 5 he ought to be able to look after himself, unless he has some mental impairment. Try leaving the small ads lying around with flats circled, and pointing out how much less space there will be for bikes once the new baby comes. The flat might be only down the street or round the corner, so his dad can still keep an eye on him, but his father's priorities must surely be with his far more defenceless little ones at the moment. His big son will hardly starve! Does he have a job?

could you use him as a baby sitter, he might get fed up with that. tell him how much help he can be once lo arrives.
will lo be in your room for a bit. giving you more time to get rid

Don't make him share with the 3 yr old, make him share with the newborn. heheheh

Won't matter if he goes to bed late as newborn is likely to have disturbed sleep patterns anyway. hehehehehehe

I like duchesse's suggestion. Sorry, no advice, but God, of course big step ds has to move out!

great to see the new messages, thanks m'netters

and guess what, on the back of all this support i've managed to make progress..

yesterday i bolted to ikea finally bought little ds his big boys bed. (loong overdue)

Found big ds home early from work and got him to help move vacated cot into mine and his dad's bedroom, where there is not enough room but we made it fit. (just)

Also got him to help me ceremoniusly put big box of my clothes in loft to clear draw space for new baby.

Actually all had a laugh together as little ds ws soooo made up with new bed but big ds got the message loud and clear - there aint enought room buddy!!

Personal satifaction in spending his rent money to do it too

so tonight i just got home from work and dp had asked his ds why he was skint even though it was only just his pay day and he said he is saving hard for deposit, "need to get me own place quick"

hoo bloody ra
might let him rent the camper in emergency!!

bump just to say thanks to everyone daytime who helped x