Snooty in-laws

[DireStraights]

My in laws are going home today after 5 days and I cannot wait.
They disapprove (oh yes) if state education, which our children are in.
It’s gentle, but permanent reminders and questions, examples are; ‘have you thought about [the local private school] for secondary’,
you could get a scholarship to help pay
‘It’s just what we’re used to, as we went’ when I say they’re doing well at the primary remarks like....
‘I just like the ambience of a private school’. I leave the room clearly pissed off but haven’t said anything. I really hate confrontation and don’t want to fall out with them but I’m pretty mad and can’t wait for them to leave. I don’t even like to invite them to the primary anymore as I know they compare it to the really fabulous school their cousins go to. There’s an event this afternoon just before they leave and I’d rather, as they clearly think it’s beneath them that they just didn’t come!! I have to hold my tongue until then

“I object to the principle of buying advantage” would probably shut them up.

Just wave them off....

And celebrate

Why do they get to be so rude and you have to bite your tongue?

It's a shame they know about this event. Have you already invited them?
I'd tell them that you and DH know your children best and you wouldn't want them to be brought up thinking they are 'better' than others as sadly the people you know who had a private education seem to have a chip on their shoulders.

Was your partner privately educated ?

We wont be sending out children to private school. Please do not bring it up again.

TBH - Why dont you direct them to your partner ?

not liking confrontation doesn't mean not having an opinion.
You can just reply that you are very happy with your choice and that's that.

I had this in a way, but the kind of opposite snootiness. We lived in a beautiful private let outside of the village in a gorgeous little lone cottage and constantly got the "When are you getting a REAL house?" "It's not fair on the kids to grow up without friends" (the kids went to the village school and had loads of mates), "You want a proper house! There's plenty of council flats here on the estate where they can live and get to go out and play!"
I had to tell them that I had no intention of taking away social housing from families who actually needed it.

I like a PP's suggestion about not agreeing with buying advantages.

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt Tue 16-Jul-19 12:46:37
not liking confrontation doesn't mean not having an opinion.
You can just reply that you are very happy with your choice and that's that.
-

This!
I doubt they mean to be rude and probably don't know how annoying they are with this but you saying the above should put them straight.

OP, I understand that you hate confrontation, but it seems like you are going to have to choose between gearing yourself up for a short, sharp episode of controlled confrontation, OR a constant drip drip drip of patronising & opinionated comment.

Personally I would choose the confrontation route, because this level of rudeness & interference would drive me up the wall.
@Alsohuman's response is perfect - “I object to the principle of buying advantage”

• you could also go with something like - "Despite what you perceive as a superior education you don't appear to have learned good manners or how to hear other people" Or - "Yes, you have stated your opinion repeatedly, however you are not the parents, we are, & we will do what we believe best. Please stop banging on about it, you are not going to change our minds."

That’s the plan - massive celebration tonight. We see them about twice a year, they will never change and the confrontation might mean they want to make amends and come more often . I hate myself for not saying anything and if it wasn’t family I would never hold my tongue, but for some reason with family I’m more of a doormat!

If they are so keen on private education, why can’t they pay for it?

It’s gentle, but permanent reminders and questions, examples are; ‘have you thought about [the local private school] for secondary’

That alone isn’t really rude imo.

Can't you just say you're happy with your choice and leave it at that?

If I could afford it , I would have sent my DC to private school, so I have no objection to them.... I'm not one who says it's rubbish because I can't afford it, or that its buying an advantage.

Do you object to private school or can't you afford it? Either way, if you respond accordingly, you shouldn't be hearing it again.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

I'd just smile sweetly, and say, "Yes, I can see how that mattered in the old days. Thankfully we've moved on!"

You could have so much fun with this - You could play 'In-law' sweepstake or bingo with your DH - how long does it take for one of them to mention private schooling after they walk through the front door and which one, so MIL in 23mins sort of thing. And when they say anything - High 5 with DH and give a little (or big) whoop. Or you could agree on a stock phrase and when one of them says anything reply in unison 'we've told you before, we are happy with our children's school, now butt out'.

When our school has open days a lot of grandparents are tagging along because it is they that will be paying the fees.

"This is a subject I know longer wish to discuss. Let's move on to other topics."

That alone isn’t really rude imo. Even when it is 'permanent' - always there, always said, answers ignored, question asked again and again and again.... ?

If the OP isn’t standing her ground and telling her PILs that she’s happy where they are and private school is not an option so there’s no point in mentioning it again, then no I don’t think it’s rude.

Annoying maybe but not rude. OP needs to get her husband ( if she doesn’t feel able ) to put them straight that they aren’t interested in private education.

'There are two opinions where s/he is concerned and your's isn't one of them' This closed my mother down, the rest of the family were gobsmacked that anyone had taken her on, her motto was Everyone's entitled to my opinion.

‘have you thought about [the local private school] for secondary’
'Well... if you are offering to pay then we will consider it.
We will enquire about fees and let you know to make sure you can afford it and then we can make a decision.'

Watch the colour drain from their faces and they will never mention it again.

not liking confrontation doesn't mean not having an opinion.

This, with nobs on!

You don't need to say anything rude or snarky as some people are suggesting. You can just reply by stating what you think - they aren't pausing to worry how they think affects your feelings, after all, are they?

My FIL was obsessed with the idea that my 14yo car wasn't good enough. I merrily said it was fine for me, then when it finally conked out, bought an 8yo. He's given up trying to bait me, but it's not through holding my tongue!

If the OP isn’t standing her ground and telling her PILs that she’s happy where they are and private school is not an option so there’s no point in mentioning it again, then no I don’t think it’s rude. Annoying? It's that as well. But the persistent undermning of their decision is rude. Comparing them to other family members who have obviously done "the right thing" - that IS rude!

But I think the party to celbrtae having your home and brain space back is the best way of dealig with it. Alone, it probably doesn't really rate a falling out over.