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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to support my friend

29 replies

mummypie17 · 16/07/2019 07:11

I'm good friends with a lovely lady at church. I'll call her Ann. She is kind and friendly. However, she has no awareness of social cues and as a result has offended a lot of people. She asks personal questions several times such as 'how much do you earn after tax?' 'why did it take you so long to find a job?' until the other person tells her she is rude and to mind her own business. Several people have called her out on it and this lady has said she feels like a pariah. I have explained to her that some of the things she says may make people uncomfortable. She admits that she doesn't read subtle social cues. She also repeats herself several times. My husband helped her with something at church and she thanked him. He replied no worries. She then chased him down many more times to thank him. He said he felt uncomfortabl

Ann also has the same problem with her colleagues who have asked her if she has autism. If I don't respond to her message within an hour, she bombards me with more asking if I'm mad at her.

2 days ago at church, whilst I was busy sorting out something for a member's baptism, Ann came up to me and asked for a hug. I gave her one and she she said 'I want a squeeze hug. Pls squeeze me. Come one, squeeze'. It was in the middle of the church hall so I told her 'not now, I'm busy'. She then started following me around and asking if I was mad at her and she only wanted a 'squeeze hug'. I was uncomfortable and other friends also told me afterwards it was strange.

The thing is she gets very upset when people pull her up on it. She says that she knows she is 'quirky' but why can't people adapt to her behaviour. She says all her life others have not accepted her 'quirkiness'.

I am aware that I'm her 'best friend'. She often tells me that. How do I support her?

OP posts:
CuffAww · 16/07/2019 07:15

Oh gosh.

What do you think the cause is of her social inappropriate behaviour?

Elliebellbell · 16/07/2019 07:18

Are you really "good friends" with her though? Do you do anything together? Visit each other's houses? Spend a lot of time talking about things that interest you both? Or is she someone at your church you feel a bit sorry for and have made your responsibility?

mummypie17 · 16/07/2019 07:22

We are good friends as we do visit each others houses. I know her family who live in another country. We go out for spa days and lunches. She also texts me everyday. She is a nice person. I have just got used to her 'quirkiness' but recently it's become more extreme (in that several people have called her out on it).

OP posts:
mummypie17 · 16/07/2019 07:25

I don't know why she's like that. I do know that she was severely bullied as a child. I'm not sure if that could be a factor. I just think that if she stopped all this personal questioning and repeating things several times, she would actually have a lot of friends. I've told her kindly but she didn't take well to it. She then asks me why all her friends stop hanging out with her.

OP posts:
CuffAww · 16/07/2019 07:25

She's just being herself. I'd definitely suspect autism and as such it's up to you to decide how much contact you want with her, she can't shouldn't change.

MmmBlowholes · 16/07/2019 07:26

What are your ages?

Pandamodium · 16/07/2019 07:27

Any MH issues? asking if people are mad at her/Feeling like a pariah. Possible anxiety/paranoia.

(Not internet diagnosing or a doctor basing the theory on my own/friends behaviours)

mummypie17 · 16/07/2019 07:29

We're both mid-thirties. It's the same with her dating. She has never got past a few dates and will call me in tears afterwards to say that she knows she's 'done something and blown it'. Usually, she's right ,:(

OP posts:
Batqueen · 16/07/2019 07:31

I think the important thing she needs to recognise is boundaries. Ie she may still ask awkward questions etc but needs to learn to respect that people have the right to say no. Can you have a conversation with her about boundaries and ask her how she would feel if someone did something to her she wasn’t comfortable with? People will forgive others being blunt or asking awkward questions as long as they back off when the answer is no which it sounds like she won’t.

mummypie17 · 16/07/2019 07:31

Yes. She has suffered from episodes of depression. I've urged her to see the gp or counselor but she says that even they don't understand her (and think she's strange)

OP posts:
Elliebellbell · 16/07/2019 07:32

There's not much you can do then really. If her quirky behaviour doesn't bother you then that's great but you can't change her and you can't change the way others feel about her.

Batqueen · 16/07/2019 07:32

Also that people have different boundaries e.g some people like being squeezed and others don’t, can she think of something she doesn’t like but others do?

CmdrCressidaDuck · 16/07/2019 07:36

I think the kindest thing you can do for your friend, whatever her issues, is to start being blunt with her.

"You make people uncomfortable. You're making me uncomfortable right now. I want you to stop. If you want to find friends or a boyfriend you need to get a therapist and start learning how to read social cues and respect people's boundaries better."

Because she does. She's trampling over people and she's not motivated to stop. In the absence of really sincerely wanting to work on this herself, she probably needs to work with a professional on it. If you do get something from the friendship, great, but I don't think you're equipped to be the Ann-interpreter she wants you to be, and I don't think you should put up with anything you don't like or that makes you uncomfortable either.

If she truly wants to build better connections with people, the greatest gift you can give her is honest feedback about how she's making you and others feel.

Meangirls36 · 16/07/2019 07:37

She has Asperger's the squeeze hugs give it away. She needs a temple grandin hug machine or a weighted blanket. She needs to see a psychologist for diagnosis and have better friends.

mummypie17 · 16/07/2019 07:40

Being more firm is a good point. I don't want to hurt her feelings as she cries very easily. She was chatting to me yesterday and I told her that I wasn't comfortable with 'squeeze hugs' when I'm busy. She replied that she loved hugs and was hug deprived so that's 'really sad'

OP posts:
Meangirls36 · 16/07/2019 07:43

Don't tell it like it is. You won't do her any favours. Be her actual friend cmdrcressidaduck she has feelings you or anybody else has no right to hurt them just because you think you know everything.

Meangirls36 · 16/07/2019 07:44

She has Asperger's she needs to see a psychologist for diagnosis. Shes trying to get strong hugs to calm down. It's soothing.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 16/07/2019 07:46

She’s got to suck it up, with the lack of hugs. If you’re single, and don’t have kids, that’s how it is! You can’t force friends to, it just isn’t appropriate.
I second the advice about a really good therapist who can guide her more.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 16/07/2019 07:47

Being someone's actual friend doesn't mean telling them comforting lies.

OP gets to have boundaries, preferences, and not be made to feel uncomfortable by her friends whether Ann has ASD or not.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 16/07/2019 07:49

And honest and clear guidance about what to do and what to stop doing is usually exactly what people with an ASD who are struggling with social cues want.

Meangirls36 · 16/07/2019 07:54

Like I said she needs a temple grandin hugging machine or weighted blanket. This is one time when she does actually have Asperger's.

Meangirls36 · 16/07/2019 07:57

No you just like telling people what to do all the time.

weaningwoes · 16/07/2019 08:02

@meangirls36 but where are the OP's feelings in this? Ann has AS and wants a squeeze hug to help her calm down. OP is busy/uncomfortable with hugs and doesn't want to squeeze her. Do OP's feelings not matter? Should she squeeze Ann regardless just because that is what Ann wants? What if Ann wanted to put her fingers in the OP's mouth because she liked the feeling - still on the OP to just go with it so as to be a "better friend"? What if Ann wants to have sex with the OP?

Cornettoninja · 16/07/2019 08:08

The sensory seeking struck me too. Perfectly possible she’s on the spectrum although I don’t know how good adult services are for diagnosing.

If it’s human contact she’s seeking then maybe she would benefit from a massage and the other suggestions on this thread.

howdyalikemenow · 16/07/2019 09:00

Aspergers jumped out at me op and this is why she struggles. She really needs clinical support

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