To worry about having baby number 2

[Secondchild2019]

Myself and DH have been talking more and more about trying for baby number 2 and now would be a good time for numerous practical reasons.

However I'm a big worrier by nature and also feel a constant stream of guilt! So this seems to really be affecting the way I'm feeling about this.

To explain, our DS is 3 and I love him to bits. He has his challenging moments but I love the age he is now and how we interact. I feel fairly on top of things most of the time! I find I much prefer this age to the baby days as I struggled with those a bit. I don't think I had PND as such but definitely a bad case of the baby blues (as did my DH) and I'm worried about feeling that way again.

Especially now I'm so enjoying my DS - I'd hate to disrupt that and take anything away from it and the thought of that is already filling me with guilt and worry. Plus there's all the normal concerns about juggling more than 1 child and how to fit everything in that I already struggle with (like cleaning). But I am fairly certain I'd like a sibling for DS.

I don't know if I'll always feel this way or if it's perhaps a sign the time's not right yet (but will I ever do it if I wait for that?!) Or if it's just my worry and guilt taking over as always.

Did anyone else have similar feelings when thinking about growing their family? It would be great to hear how you felt and adjusted when DC2 came along.

I'm hoping I just been a bit of reassurance that it won't be a bad thing for my DS and our relationship.

Exactly the same thoughts here op. Although mine is still a toddler I would really like to know. The baby stage is just absolutely awful.

I sympathise but honestly you've done the hard bit. IMO adjusting from zero children to one child is the hardest adjustment of all. You have learnt a lot. Yes it's hard work and tiring but you have already established rhythms & routines, parenting styles & division of labour.

Think back to when you didn't know your DS & how much you love him now. It's the same for ALL your children.

I guess you need to ask yourself why you want another, is it worth upsetting the current situation. Society puts a lot of pressure on to have more than one, it doesn’t suit all families.

same here but my no2 is arriving when DS is almost 3. I'm dreading it in so many ways! i feel guilty for ruining DS's position as centre of the universe, i don't know how i will cope with two of the little brats, the sleep, and yes he's so much more pleasant to be around now he is NOT a squishy baby and he actually gets involved and chats and things. anyway i feel in the long run it's for the best... better he stops being centre of the universe whilst his brain is still elastic enough!

I have 4. With hindsight, I'd wish I had stopped at 1. Not that I'd choose which one I'd prefer mind you...

I felt exactly as you do too before having DC2. I grieved my 1:1 relationship with DC1. It sounds really silly looking back on it now, but the feelings were real.

I found the baby phase easier the second time around because I had the company of DC1. We really share the load entertaining DC2.

Yes there is more mess, but it’s worth it. You just get on with it.

I felt exactly the same way a year ago.
We decided to try and were amazed it happened right away (wasn't the case with our ds)
Then we found out our baby was very unwell after a long wait and lots of tests. I had a TFMR at 22 weeks.
I'd say if you want another then go for it sooner rather than later.
Suddenly we have an almost 4 year old without a sibling which isn't what we expected.

I felt like this and have number 2. It is exhausting but it's great and my toddler has adjusted well. The only thing I'd say is how supportive is DH? Because it's working at my end because mine is so hands on. If he wasn't, I would struggle a lot more

I’m currently pregnant with DC2 and having some of the same fears but I just couldn’t imagine family life without 2 children so decided to go for it.
I’m not naive in thinking it will be easy but I think I will enjoy some bits more this time as I know I won’t be having any more after this and I’m looking forward to the maternity leave with DC1 at home. I also think that my life already revolves around one child so it’s not going to be the shock to the system that having my first DC was.
Also I can see that the toddler years for DC2 May be easier as DC1 will be there to play and help learn to share etc

I’m in a similar position to you. Hated the baby stage, didn’t really enjoy it until about 11 months. Now at 18 months I love it. In my head I think it’s such a short period of time that they are in that tiny baby stage for so I should be able to manage to get through it. And I do so want a sibling for my DD. You aren’t alone in your feelings OP.

I think having more children is a really big decision. There's no guarantees that it will all be plain sailing. You have to think carefully about if you would be okay if things didn't go the way you expected.
Just to give you a different perspective from PPs. My DS1 was just over 3 when DS2 arrived and he hated him from the minute he saw him. DS2 is now 10 months, DS1 is 4 and has since been diagnosed with ASD and he still absolutely detests his brother. It has been exhausting. He does not enjoy having a sibling in the way that I thought he would. Obviously this might improve as they get older but there's no guarantees. Now that the baby is mobile and standing and trying to walk, he hates it even more. My days are spent constantly telling DS1 off for being mean to his brother. I try to have as much alone time with DS1 as possible but DS2 has a multitude of allergies and eczema that isn't under control and is just generally a very difficult baby who doesn't sleep well. He takes up a lot of time and DS1 suffers as a result. I love the bones of both of them but if someone could have told me that this is what it would be like with two, I wouldn't have had another.

I have two, 2.5 years apart, don't get my wrong I adore ds2 now (he's nearly 2) but I struggled and in hindsight I'd have stopped at 1.

I didn't have doubts about getting pregnant again but as soon as I did I was overwhelmed with guilt and sadness about how life with ds1 and the dynamic would change which honestly has only recently started to dissipate. Actually maybe in hindsight I'd have waited until he was older maybe... so if your ds is currently 3 by time you have baby it may be a better age gap. Ds2 was also a very difficult baby so compared to laid back happy ds1 it was, and still is (!!) a shock.

But now they're getting older and starting to play and communicate it's amazing to see and it fills my heart with so much joy!

I feel the same. My DD is 2.5 and shes so great I dont really want to disrupt that and go back to all the sleepless nights etc. I also wonder how it might affect her and change our relationship.

However I felt similar before she was born. I loved my jobs and having plenty of money and lazy sundays and impromptu holidays... but having her was great so I have to believe it would be the same when a second comes along.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant so time will tell! 🤞

My DD2 is 4 months and totally agree that 0 to 1 child is much harder than 1 to 2. It’s the loss of freedom that was the hard part for me, so this time around that’s not really a factor. Also massively helps that DD2 actually sleeps! I will admit to looking forward to the baby stage being over though - no more nappies, sterilising, milk etc!

Having googled this topic to death in the past, I think it’s totally natural to fear having another. A lot of people say that we usually regret the things we don’t do rather than what we do do, and if you feel like you want another baby (not just to provide a sibling, as they are not guaranteed friends) then go for it and you will just adjust.
Having said that, I have a DD5 and we tried for over a year to have another but then I suddenly thought, do I really want this? Life is getting easier etc and the thought of going back to the baby stage when she was 4 at that point, petrified me. We had planned to try earlier but had booked a holiday and then found out u have to wait 6 months after u get back to try to conceive because of the Zika Virus risk. I was so frustrated but we had paid all the money for it.
A year down the line of deciding to stop trying (it was one of the hardest decisions of my life) we are content with it. We occasionally think we would like another one but realistically we enjoy having our freedom back and can go on holiday more easily now etc. I could go on. I do feel selfish for thinking this way but I think I would struggle with more than one (I too am a worrier) and my husband got a bit of depression once we had our daughter, so I worry about what another would do to him as well.
Every decision is unique to your own family but a lot of people just have a bit of fear but they do it and cope. I honestly don’t think I would. She’s at school now and I feel like we have “come out the other side”. We still have childcare juggling for a while yet but life is good.
Good luck with the decision, it is so so hard! I never imagined ever wanting one, I used to think people were selfish. But hey, here we are and I want only one. It is a lot of pressure from society to have more but think of what you actually want.
Good luck, I am rambling lol

I should add I really found the baby stage hard too, like you OP. Obviously some parts I adored, the little noises and the snuggles. But overall I would worry so much. From 2.5 onwards, even 3, I really started to enjoy it a lot more

I found the jump from 1 to 2 difficult too, but they were only 20 months apart. I went on to have two more and find things with four much easier than two under two. My son is 3.5 and he's extremely doting on his 14week old baby sister. I think a 3-4 year age gap has worked best for us.

Giving my daughter a little brother was the best thing I’ve ever done for her. I didn’t realise it would be, but it is. She’s crazy about him and he in more interested in her than in anyone else. The second baby is a lot easier than the first as you already have the practice. Now, at 9 and 20 months, they play together. (Both planned btw, the small age gap isn’t an accident.)

Thank you all for your advice and congrats to those expecting at the moment! It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

@Treaclepie19 so sorry to hear that. That definitely puts things into perspective.

I'm really trying to go into things eyes wide open this time as think I focussed so much upon pregnancy last time, I forgot that things didn't end with the arrival of a baby, that's when they got really tough so appreciate all of the different perspectives here.

I was naive in thinking life wouldn't change much as I wasn't a huge fan of nights out etc. so thought a baby wouldn't have much of an impact... Now I know much better! So am trying to be really realistic this time round.

I have considered stopping at 1 quite a lot. However my DH would like another - he's supportive of what I want too but it's obviously an important factor. I was an only child myself and never minded as a child as didn't know any different. It's actually as I've got older that I feel it would be nice to have a sibling and maybe nieces/nephews etc. But aware that's a very rose tinted glasses view as not all sibling relationships are close. I am fairly certain I would like another, just need to get over this guilt!

This may not be what you want to hear but I'm going to be honest anyway.

I have a 5yo and an 8mo and going from 1 to 2 DC has been the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was absolutely not prepared for how big an adjustment it would be, I assumed that because I'd already done it once it would be easier the second time around. I was wrong.

For starters, I didn't have PND with DC1 but it hit me like a ton of bricks, literally came on overnight, when DC2 was 3 weeks old so that obviously hasn't helped.

I'd forgotten how intense the sleep deprivation is in the early weeks but I was also spoiled because DC1 started sleeping through fairly quickly. If DC1 had slept as badly as DC2 still does at nearly 9months I don't think I'd even have contemplated another. I am now back and work and still being woken up every hours some nights. I feel guilty because DC1 also gets woken up and I feel pressure to settle the baby as quickly as possible so that DC1 won't be exhausted and struggle at school the next day.

I do feel it has affected my relationship with DC1 if I'm being honest. I'm constantly being pulled in different directions and I'm not as patient because I'm permanently exhausted.

I wouldn't be without DC2 because they're here now and I do love both my DC dearly, plus they adore each other which is lovely. But I do look back and think how much easier life was when we only had one.

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery I agree with you on a lot of that even though I didn't elaborate in my previous post. Everyone kept saying how easy it was to go from 1 to 2 but it was the hardest thing that I've ever done, it's only now at nearly 2 years on that I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with how it made me feel and the impact it had on me and my relationships with ds1 and (now ex) husband!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery I appreciate your honesty - they are all the sorts of things that worry me. Sorry to hear that you suffered with PND second time around. My DS was also a fairly good sleeper but I still struggled so much not being able to sleep when I wanted to. It would be a total shock to the system if a new DC never slept! I'm not the most patient person to would hate to get grumpy with DS1 because of it.

It's definitely true that the memories of all the tough bits fade over time! My DH keeps reminding me that it's only for a relatively short period of time but doesn't feel that way in the middle of a sleepless night!