To ask for anyone with experience in housing or refuge...

[Takingtherisk]

I'm sorry, I suppose I'm posting for traffic, I hope that's ok.

Any experiences or information would be great but specifically I'm wondering what happens if a woman hasn't found move-on housing when the refuge wants them to leave? Some (not sure how many) have time limits on how long you can stay. Do they evict you even if you have nowhere else to go (or would have to try to return to husband/partner)?

I don't know if anyone will recognise me. If so, I hope you'll understand why I've still not left. I can imagine it's frustrating. I've posted here and elsewhere under different names in the past about my situation.

Never asked this exact question but it's one of the main barriers to me leaving. I'm not sure if I'm worrying about it too much as an excuse subconsciously, because the known is less scary than the unknown, or if it's a valid and reasonable concern. He does get violent but never anything serious (except threats). It's very hard emotionally but sometimes you have no good options and I think staying is less dangerous than homelessness? (There are no children so I'm only risking myself).

I was in a refuge for 4 months, in the same place there was a woman who was there for a year. I'm sure you don't get made to leave if you don't have somewhere to go. You get priority with the council to find a new home.
A friend of mine was in one in another city for 18 months.

Most places are not that strict and will keep people on way beyond the two years until they have somewhere to go, can I ask why you are not able to ask the refuge?

No refuge will 'kick you out' back to an unsafe place. Most refuges have 'projected' move on dates but these often don't get met for a myriad of reasons and that's fine, it is the refuges job to help you secure move-on accommodation and that takes as long as it takes

I had a friend, in Scotland, who had to leave her home after the last violent altercation between her and hubby. The police directed her to a women's shelter for a few days whilst investigating. We spoke a lot during those days and there was no indication the refuge was in a hurry to chuck her out, there was definitely no talk of her even contemplating moving back to enable them to free up space. Although she eventually went and stayed with her sister for several weeks, she was still classed as a vulnerable person and was referred to local housing authorities and other housing associations and charities as a matter of priority. They were constantly in touch with her to offer support and guidance. She obtained a one bed, private flat in her home town with the help of Homefinders. She even received all the furniture (nice stuff too) and general household appliances completely free of charge. As a victim of long term abuse myself, I would urge you to explore all avenues and trust that there are a lot of organisations out there that can assist. My situation was 20 years ago and I was very naive and put up with it far too long, didnt know where to go or who to call. Perhaps discuss your predicament with Social Services, Council Housing department and Womens Aid. I'm sure you've already considered all this, but if you havent had a satisfactory response, then ask to be referred to another agency for the help you need. Victim Support is also another good one for information, and they can offer you all kinds of phone numbers and support. I wish you all the luck in the world, never ever settle for less than best and spend your energy getting the hell out, rather than tolerate any further abuse. Thinking of you. X

The one I know about would let you stay a year...if you had not got permanent accommodation by then they would be liasing with you/council etc. You are considered homeless whilst in refuge and are a very high priority on social housing lists, even the people I’ve known in refuge who needed larger (less availability) homes had them within 6 months. One lady stayed a full year for the 24hr support of the refuge support workers.
Refuges do every thing possible to empower you to not feel the need to return to the abuse that you do NOT deserve.
Please take your first step when you can, there will be help.

Thank you so much again. I really appreciate the replies. I feel I don't deserve help as I've posted in the past elsewhere and lost the confidence to do anything.

I am terrified of being homeless (I've been told I'd be low priority with the council because I have no dependants) but can't work out if that's what's stopping me leaving or if I'm just not ready or able to leave him. At least I know what to expect with him. It's safer than some situations especially homelessness. I'm sorry for sounding awful because I know this sounds bad but I've faced it once before and would rather get the odd smack then ever risk it again, it was so terrifying. Also, when he's not angry it's quite a nice safe life. He's been so loving and has been there for me so much at times. My main fear is that one day he will go too far but then I think he wouldn't. It's hard to judge the risk but it's been years and not happened yet.

There's no hope of help from the council where I'm from. It's in the South East. I knew someone here who does have children who struggled to get help when homeless, it's not somewhere to need housing. I know it's for the best not having children in my circumstances, but its also very painful, we have fertility problems. Sometimes I feel so upset about it that I don't feel it's worth leaving him even if I was in danger.

I'm thinking maybe I have posted in the wrong section? Should I get this moved to Relationships? I genuinely am worried about homelessness but now I don't know what's the biggest problem for me. @Lily019, I think I've also stayed too long. When he first turned violent I was in a better position to leave but I didn't know where to turn at that stage. I now don't know what being normal is like anymore. I don't know if I have it in me to start again. If it's only ever minor injuries and some nasty but likely not meant threats, it might not be worth the risk. I also feel guilty for posting.

A refuge will not kick you out. When the time does come to leave you will receive support. I have previously worked for a housing Association and DV cases were given highest priority for rehoming.

You 100% definitely won’t be kicked out. Very worse scenario is a hostel with shared facilities (experience of friend in a notoriously expensive, housing scarce, London Borough) I know of many more who’ve been placed in ‘appropriate for the number of inhabitants’ flats.
Are you ok OP?

@etino I think I'm ok, thanks. I'll pull mysrlf together. Just feeling a bit down about it all this evening. It's thinking about worse case scenarios that gets me into them so I know I need to be strong.

It sounds ungrateful or greedy or stupid but I truly don't think I could bear shared hostel or any shared housing again. I've been there, it was horrible, and that was when I was younger and healthier. I feel safer with my partner. I know I need to snap out of it as I have more chance of getting out of this to a better situation if I'm strong. I should be able to find work and get my own home. When he's away with work I feel confident again. I suppose today I feel particularly low because I was thinking about what I've lost. He's part of the reason I don't have children. I can't stop thinking about it today and it sometimes makes me feel that there's no point leaving. I think there is, I can still make a life, I think?

At least here, he works weekdays so I have my own space, no shared bathroom or kitchen, it's safe and private. I also can't face the neighbours after another loud argument that involved threats to knock me out. It's horrible going to the shops, going past them. They hate us. Understandably. So I know I have to sort myself out.

There's no hope of help from the council where I'm from. It's in the South East. I knew someone here who does have children who struggled to get help when homeless

Until a few months ago, I was a support worker for homeless/at risk of homelessness people, in the south-east. The council has a statutory duty to help people who are homeless because they are fleeing domestic violence. All the councils (5 of them) in this county would house women leaving refuge. Women stay in refuge until the council has somewhere for them to stay, and they move on from refuge to long-term temporary accommodation (NOT b&B) until they get a permanent place.

Your friend could have had problems with the council for a whole myriad of reasons: they may not have believed she was genuinely homeless, or they may have believed that she was intentionally homeless, or they may have found that she did not meet the residence criteria and that the statutory duty to help her lay with another council.

Please don't let fear of homelessness stop you from leaving an abusive relationship.

@Lakielady Do you mind if I ask, would the council contact the police if I went to them? For evidence or because of safeguarding? They wouldn't say when I asked anonymously on the phone. Police have been involved in the past and it made things much worse. Emotionally more than anything. I also definitely don't have the strength for police involvement. If I leave I just want to get away. I wouldn't be able to stay in the immediate area as I don't want to risk it so I guess it wouldn't be my own council anyway.

OK- hearing that you’d be placed somewhere with shared facilities hasn’t allayed your fears- that’s one person out of half a dozen I know, and as I say in a very expensive borough. And that was after 2 years of refuge. Have you done the Freedom Programme? Where do you live- vaguely or via PM.
Take care.

If you're in England, social housing has a DV exemption meaning you'll be towards the top of the list when you're moving on from refuge

Leaving isn’t easy but just picture the life you could have. A life where you aren’t scared and perhaps you can meet someone new who will treat you like a queen and you can have children. A shelter will support you and understand how scared you are. They won’t expect you to just move on after a few months, it’s a slow process.

Thank you everyone. I think I feel slightly less scared about homelessness now. I suppose it is my fear of change, of leaving him that's holding me back. It's so hard especially after so long. Things can be so good at times and he's been there for me a lot. @etino, I'm not sure how to PM. I really hope I don't sound ungrateful. I know I should be lucky for anything. I'm just scared. I'm not used to other people. I think I might be ok in shared but then I feel scared, I really don't know. I don't have to stay in the South East and would definitely need to leave my immediate area if I left. I didn't think the Freedom programme would help if I was still with him? Maybe it would give me confidence to leave? It's also hard to commit to something like that whilst still with him. The online one might be easier but it's not free. I have very little money so don't know if it's worth paying.

Freedom is for any woman who wants to find out more about abusive relationships whether she is still in that relationship or has left - no judgement.
You should never be pressured to leave but if you decide to leave they can support and signpost into your local women’s organisation.
The online version is ok - but the best bit is meeting other women from all walks of life at different stages who “get it” best of luck x

I used to think I didn't need the freedom programme when I first heard about it. Now I wonder because I'm struggling with leaving. It would be hard to do the real life one whilst still with my partner. I think it would help meeting other women who understand so I'd definitely do it if I left. I'll look tomorrow at the online one, if it's not too expensive.