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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding and baby

50 replies

Offforanotherwalk · 15/07/2019 12:50

Hi :-) just checking I'm not bu although I don't think I am :-)

I have a two week old son and have been invited to a child free wedding when he will be 5 weeks. The wedding is a friend of my husbands and while I have met the groom multiple times I have not met the bride. We RSVP'd about a month ago and said dh would attend but I would not as I am ebf. I also don't think I'll be ready to leave my little boy at 5 weeks. Just to add before we rsvp'd we checked babies weren't allowed and were told no. All fine. Not my choice but their wedding etc.

After ds was born dh friend text to say I had 5 weeks until wedding so should they hold my place as i would probably be able to come now. I politely declined saying I was bfing and also have no family available to babysit anyway (on holiday etc). We got no reply to this.

We then got a very nice gift when ds was born and a card that weirdly said they hoped everything was going well and that I was expressing so dh could share the nights? Maybe I'm reading into this but I felt it was a little dig to us saying we were ebf.

This morning the groom has visited and said to dh how upset the bride is that I am not making the effort to come? I don't even know this woman! I don't think I'm being UR to not want to leave my baby or start expressing before six weeks as my midwife advised just to go to their wedding?

OP posts:

MeadowHay · 15/07/2019 23:02

Wtf, they sound nuts and like arseholes. I would be getting DH to have a firm word with his friend about the realities of BF, of expressing, of having a newborn fgs. Ridiculous! I barely left the house in the first 6 weeks after DD was born - protracted physical recovery, severe pain breastfeeding, baby that screamed all the time and poor mental health. No way would I have been going to a wedding and leaving her, and I was already expressing a bit most days by 5 weeks.

Drum2018 · 15/07/2019 23:04

Personally this would annoy me. Why can't you go for w couple of hours and see the ceremony, go to drinks reception and then leave

Why should she? She's said she has no family to babysit. What if baby needs a feed during those couple of hours? He's breast fed so only op can feed him. Why should she start trying to incorporate bottle feeding just to appease a woman she's never even met?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2019 23:05

Personally this would annoy me.

And that would be your problem. One would hope that on your wedding day you had more things to occupy you than whether or not someone you’d never met was there when by excluding her newborn you’d made it impossible for her to attend.

OP was pregnant for around 9 months, declined the invitation in good time and isn’t planning to change her mind, despite being hassled.

It’s sad they’re so fixated but not OP’s problem.

Tavannach · 15/07/2019 23:18

I would send a card to bridezilla saying her DF has visited you and told you she was upset. Just reiterate what you've already said, that you'd love to come and definitely would in other circumstances but that you're EBF a 5 week old and it's been a difficult pregnancy. You're sure she'll understand your disappointment at missing their special day but you wish her and her DF a wonderful day and a happy marriage. You'll be thinking of them of course even although you can't be there, and you look forward to hearing all about it from your DH. It may just be nerves on her part.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2019 23:36

Oh god, no. You don’t pander to this type of batshittery or they think they’re justified.

They could have invited the baby. They didn’t. Their call, they have to suck it up now OP can’t go.

Want2727 · 15/07/2019 23:41

Some people just don’t get it. We have been invited to a four day (yes four day) wedding in France which is childfree. The couple don’t seem to understand that we can’t just can’t make DS vanish for a while so we can attend.

DH could go on his own but the cost of getting there and staying would be more then a family holiday (very expensive bit of France with no airport so would involve a lot of travelling) and we would rather have the family holiday

Original poster

Offforanotherwalk · 16/07/2019 06:43

@Polly7805 can I ask why it would annoy you?

I don't feel I can go for a few reasons

I don't feel ready to leave my son yet. We had quite a traumatic birth and I just can't imagine not having him with me.
If I was going to leave him with anyone at all it would be my parents or sister and they are both away on holiday. I don't have friends I'd ask to have him and I certainly wouldn't be able to relax if I just found a babysitter online etc
I am breastfeeding on demand atm and ds feeds maybe once every 1-2 hours. Yes it's a lot atm but he uses it to settle and I'm happy to do that (probably feeling a bit guilty because he had such a rough start in life 🙈)

I did speak to the groom originally when we got the invite as it didn't actually say child free it just didn't mention kids. I asked if it would be okay to bring baby and explained I'd leave if he made any noise etc. I even planned on booking a room at the reception so I could discreetly feed etc but they said 100% no kids. Like I said earlier not something that would be my choice but it's their wedding 😊

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 16/07/2019 06:52

I wouldn't even go with a baby this young. Anyone who has breastfed on demand would get where you are coming from. Sod this bridezilla, you don't even know her, ignore her.

BeanBag7 · 16/07/2019 07:03

Feeding every 1-2 hours is totally normal for a 4 week old. You aren't indulging him by doing that, it's what he needs. It will become less often over time and be easier but you're doing a great job.

Very few people would want to leave a newborn for more than an hour or so and that's normal and understandable. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

If they ask again just say "sorry DS is to little for me to leave him". No need to go into detail about how often he feeds or why you don't want to leave him. Just state the same fact each time until they get bored.

Incidentally, if they suddenly said you could bring the baby, would you want to go?

Original poster

Offforanotherwalk · 16/07/2019 07:46

@Beanbag7 in reality I would have thought it was a hassle to go but probably would have made the effort to attend at least the day time aspect! When dh and I discussed it prior to finding out it was a firm no to babies the idea was I'd get a room and so could take ds their on the night and dh could stay at the party :-)

I'm actually at another wedding when my son is 4 weeks and doing something similar :-)

OP posts:

Jamiefraserskilt · 16/07/2019 08:02

Sounds like she decided on a child free wedding and her groom is disappointed you won't be there and has mentioned it. She and he don't understand that 5 weeks is too soon. If they wanted you there, they would make an exception for newborns. But instead, they are sticking to the decision and making you feel like the difficult one. If you choose CF then some will not come.
Send DH to represent you and enjoy your evening cuddles instead.

pepsimax20bigger · 16/07/2019 08:37

Totally bizarre that this woman is so over invested and asking about expressing

Yanbu and actually I don't know many people who'd want to leave their 5 week old baby all day to go to a wedding, breastfed or not.

blackcat86 · 16/07/2019 08:43

YNBU. I would be ignoring them at this stage. You've made yourself clear from the beginning and they are simply ignoring you and stepping over your boundaries.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/07/2019 08:50

Personally this would annoy me.

Then you’re as much of a selfish arse as the bride in question.

At 5 weeks postpartum there’s no way I’d be going to a baby-free wedding where I’ve never even met the bride. Your DH is going. That should
be enough for anyone.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/07/2019 08:52

If you decide to have a baby free wedding, which is obviously a bride and groom’s right, this is the trade off. People with babies might not be able to come. That’s the trade off.

Polly7805 · 16/07/2019 09:22

Fair enough @Offforanotherwalk - if you feel you can't leave your son, then don't. Your baby is the most important thing in the world right now and it changes things if you can't get help to look after him.

I had quite a few issues with people moaning because we didn't have children at ours - but they were all 1 year + and every one came. We just didn't want babies/kids. Really annoyed me when people tried to get me to change my mind. Since then, we've been invited to 7 weddings all stating 'no kids'. I'm due our first soon and I'm totally fine not taking the baby. I wouldn't expect them to make an exception.

Send a nice card and present. Don't keep explaining yourself to them. Good luck OP x

NotJust3SmallWords · 16/07/2019 13:34

How weird. If they're so desperately keen for you to go why would they say you can't take a 5 week old? I understand older kids who will need entertaining and might get bored or mess around, but surely a 5 week old will mainly sleep? You already said that you'd take him out of the ceremony if he cried.

I don't think you can do anymore than you have done. You've explained your good reason for not being able to go, in good time before the wedding.

saywhatwhatnow · 16/07/2019 13:47

I wouldn't have left my ff 5 week old, so no YANBU.

Alsohuman · 16/07/2019 13:53

So you’re prepared to bend over backwards to go but they won’t give an inch. Fuck them.

Piglet89 · 16/07/2019 13:56

Our son is due at the end of August, all being well.

When he is five weeks old, I envisage I shall look a completed state, eyes rolling in my head with tiredness, barely be able to leave the house, let alone get dolled up to attend a wedding without him!

YADNBU!

Original poster

Offforanotherwalk · 16/07/2019 14:05

I just realised I put their not there in my previous post and I'm off to flog myself for the shame 😳😱

OP posts:

OverthinkingThis · 16/07/2019 14:14

Like pp, there's no way I'd have gone to a wedding 5 weeks after giving birth with my baby, let alone without them!

Foslady · 16/07/2019 14:50

If it’s a whole group of friends going I wonder if the group have expressed disappointment that you won’t be there, and she’s trying to get you there so she’s not seen as the bad guy by them but keeping it child free, especially if it’s been a bit of a whirlwind relationship

AnotherEmma · 16/07/2019 14:56

They are batshit. I think you and DH need to tell them to stop hassling you. They've gone on about it enough now.

mrsk28 · 16/07/2019 15:10

Don't worry about it. I RSVP'd no to a friend's wedding 3 weeks after my due date (DS was born 2 weeks early in the end).

I would have attended if I could bring the baby but it wasn't mentioned and I didn't ask. Plus we would have been far too tired at that stage and just wanted sleep.

They're acting really strange for people you don't really know so I would do what other people suggested and ignore until they get over it. They'll understand when they have a baby of their own!

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