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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my marriage is over?

20 replies

Frazzleone · 14/07/2019 23:26

I think my marriage may be over and I don’t know what to do next.

My husband and I have been married for just over 4 year and to the outside eye we seem like a loving couple. In reality we may aswell be housemates. We have not had sex in a year and are hardly ever intimate anymore.

I’ve tried bringing the lack of intimacy up but he tells me he doesn’t want to bother me because he knows I’m tired (we have a DC who is 18 months). It’s got to the point now that I don’t even want to try anymore and I’m not sure I’m attracted to him anymore.

He’s such a good man and father that I want this to work but am I just delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:

NeonLights · 14/07/2019 23:30

Have you considered consulting with a marriage counsellor? It’s worth a try if you don’t want to walk away.

Sparklesocks · 14/07/2019 23:47

I’m so sorry. It sounds really difficult.

I think you need to talk to him about it again and emphasise the effect it’s having on your marriage, and suggest counselling might be the next step if you aren’t able to move forward.

Waveysnail · 14/07/2019 23:49

Are you tired? Every marriage needs some tlc esp after a baby.

Waveysnail · 14/07/2019 23:50

Is there anything putting him off? My dh couldn't cope with being intimate when I was breast feeding - it freaked him out slightly.

HollowTalk · 14/07/2019 23:52

Did you have a normal sex life before? If so, I think it's worth having some sort of counselling.

Singlenotsingle · 14/07/2019 23:56

Is he affectionate? Do you get hugs and kisses?

hadthesnip2 · 15/07/2019 00:35

Do you initiate sex ?? He can hardly say that he is thinking about you & tiredness if you are the one trying to jump his bones.

Graphista · 15/07/2019 00:51

I don't think this necessarily means marriage over, it's common for there to be such issues in the aftermath of having a child and adjusting to parenthood.

Other possible reasons for his reluctance - was it a planned pregnancy? How did the pregnancy and birth go and immediate aftermath? I'm wondering if it may be he's afraid of hurting you, or getting you pregnant again?

My now ex (this isn't why we split) was very wary after dds birth (emcs, both of us almost died, I lost a lot of blood and dd had to be in scbu) both in terms of causing me pain and in possibly conceiving again (I couldn't risk another pregnancy - would literally be risking my life)

I was nervous too for the same reasons it took a lot of discussions with GP to get contraception as effective as possible, reassurance from hv and GP on sexual activity being safe, and time... For us both to regain our confidence, and feel safe to do so.

I've also male friends/family who have (with their partners/spouses knowledge/consent, usually the conversation being started by the women) shared that they were very nervous of returning to sexual activity after pregnancy, for various reasons.

Reassurance from hcps, therapy, being open and honest with each other can all help.

Scott72 · 15/07/2019 05:14

If you haven't clearly discussed this with him, he could be thinking "she's only bringing up sex because she thinks I want it. The right thing to do is not have sex as she doesn't really want it, but to reassure her its okay that she doesn't feel like it".

MrsTeaspoon · 15/07/2019 05:33

Well I’m not ending my marriage over it! Seriously, the baby and pre-school stage is hard and exhausting and it is very common for intimacy to not be as high a priority. We went from averaging 150 times a year to about 15 ( I’ve only just worked this out, big difference!). We talk about it though, reassure each other we miss it, show affection all the time and both look forward to more in the future. We definitely still feel like a loving, committed couple rather than housemates. Could you try talking? Cuddling up watching TV? It may be that your attraction has gone but it could also be hibernating.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 15/07/2019 05:58

I cannot imagine living in a sexless marriage, so yes I would say it is over.

TwistyTop · 15/07/2019 06:01

It's hard to tell as your OP is brief but it doesn't sound to me as if you're marriage is irreparably damaged. Have you considered counseling?

If you really feel that things have run their course then that's up to you, but if you still love each other and want to make it work then it seems crazy not to try.

JWrecks · 15/07/2019 06:43

Very often this issue is a misunderstanding or a lack of perspective, moreso than the end of love or end of relationship. I said often, not always or even usually, of course, but I personally don't think this is a problem that should automatically be a dealbreaker. Depending on the real underlying reasons, this one CAN BE relatively easy to solve.

I cannot recommend enough the Sex Starved Wife/Marriage councillor Michelle Weiner-Davis ( sexstarvedwife.com/ sexstarvedwife.com/ ) and her work. Sensationalist URLs I know, but she makes a lot of sense and has helped a lot of people to understand each other. She's also got great videos on youtube. Give the book a go if the vids don't work.

Again, YMMV, obviously, but I say at least try first, especially if everything else is good. Sex and sexuality are right bloody tricky things that tie into and depend upon nearly every other aspect of life, particularly after children, particularly as we get older, particularly in long term relationships. Don't give up hope just yet.

Best of luck to you.

TripleChocs · 15/07/2019 06:55

I'm wondering if he watched the birth and maybe it spooked him?

PianoTuner567 · 15/07/2019 07:01

Is this the only problem in your marriage? Because if it is, then it’s fixable.

If it’s a symptom of wider problems, then it’s a bit more tricky.

urbanlife · 15/07/2019 07:11

Counselling, you need to both agree to find a good counsellor that you both trust and like, and start from there.

Having dc seems to have affected your intimacy, and you need professional help.

Your marriage can be saved if you both love each other, and you can get past this, but not on your own after all of this time.

cakecakecheese · 15/07/2019 07:40

This happened to me. It wasn't just the lack of sex it was the lack of cuddles and the feeling of closeness. We didn't have kids though so it was easier to leave. I do agree with councelling first though.

Original poster

Frazzleone · 15/07/2019 07:51

Thanks for your advice everyone.

It was a difficult pregnancy and birth. EMCS and a stay in neonatal. Then additional surgery for me.

I feel as though there’s a lack of closeness all round. Very few kisses and cuddles. I have tried initiating but have been knocked back before so I’m reluctant to try anymore.

Il speak to him about counselling maybe. I

OP posts:

Whatsername7 · 15/07/2019 07:53

You need to have am honest conversation with him. In your shoes, Id ask if there was someone else.

paap1975 · 15/07/2019 07:54

Is he traumatised either by the birth or by the idea of having another baby? I'd encourage you to get some professional help.

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