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AIBU?

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Original poster

Give me a head wobble *new relationship related*

24 replies

Coldemort · 14/07/2019 20:46

Have been with DP since October. Don't live together.
So... I had surgery 2 weeks ago. Not life threatening but has affected my mobility as is very painful to walk. This is temporary whilst the wound heals.
First day I went to emergency GP. He offered to come with but a bit reluctant (other plans). I was fine with this, as just a GP appointment. Went to GP appointment and got immediate referral to surgery. I messaged DP and just got a generic -hope your ok- message back. I went in for surgery (first time under a general - little bit shitting myself). Luckily a family member came with me.
Since then he's always come round to mine. Which makes sense. But he seems to expect me to provide food. Either a take away (on the edge of what I can afford), or cooking and also cleaning up afterwards
Which is quite obviously a bit painful for me.
I have raised the issue that I don't feel supported. His response to that is to make sure/drive me to every hospital appointment. Yet after the appointment he's stiĺl happy to watch me in discomfort cooking for him.
He's not a bad man. If I said 'this hurts can you do this' he would. But I don't think I need to spell out 'I've just had surgery. I find it painful to walk. Or just stand up really
Fuck your fajitas'.
Also he stayed over once since the surgery (sex is off the cards so he doesn't seem keen on staying over). And I ended up on the sofa bed because he was fidgety. Less than a week after surgery. I'm not being an arse to say he should have been the one on the sofa bed??
If you read this far you deserve a special medal xxx

OP posts:
VivienneHolt · 14/07/2019 20:52

He sounds a bit crap, for sure. Is it worth pursuing the relationship? If you think so, then spell out what you expect and see if he makes changes. If he does, you know he is clueless but at least well meaning. If he doesn’t, then at least you’ve found out now that you can’t rely on him when things are tough. Hope you’re on the mend soon! Flowers

Neverender · 14/07/2019 20:55

Don't expect him to feel what you feel - just tell him. Trust that he will care.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/07/2019 20:57

Hi OP

Several things jump out

He is happy for you to buy food, cook for him and clear up. Surgery or not, or at yours or not, surely most people take turns at this? Even if he hates cooking, most people i know would say you cooked last night, I'll get a takeaway tonight. And also clear up after the other person cooked is being polite, you dont have to be in pain or have had surgery to expect this!

Also he's not keen on staying over if sex is off the cards...is shit. So he only wants to spend time with you if he can get a shag out of it?

It's not a new relationship, its plenty time to know if you are committed or not. And I think a generic good luck type message to someone undergoing GA is awful, why the hell wasnt he booking time off work to be there when you woke up? Honestly, what do you think your response would have been if it had been the other way around?

CaptainJaneway62 · 14/07/2019 20:57

He sounds like a selfish git.
Genuine people do not treat their partners like this.
They actually take care of them in such a situation as yours.

Don't have him at yours at all until you're fit and well again.
You will recover a lot quicker without the lazy lump hindering recovery!

Hope you get better soon OP Flowers

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 14/07/2019 20:59

Wow... So he's not supportive, unhelpful, not very nice and there's a distinct attitude difference now sex is off the table..

And his good points are?

Jaffacakebeast · 14/07/2019 21:48

Urrgh! What do you see in him? approaching a year into a relationship you’d think he’d care enough to actually care for you after surgery. Ltb

Bambamber · 14/07/2019 21:51

He has shown you what your future together will be like. You doing all the cooking and cleaning and generally looking after him. He isnt keen on staying over when there's no sex, so does he really value your time?

Is this what you want in the long term?

tensmum1964 · 14/07/2019 22:09

Why put up with this from a relatively new relationship? Dump him now for goodness sake before you are saddled for good.

waterrat · 14/07/2019 22:18

Can I ask OP why you aren't openly telling him that you are unhappy with this situation?

I look back in my life and I just put up with so much shit from men - of course it's not okay how he is behaving - but also for me an alarm bell is that you aren't open enough with each other and you don't feel able to just lay on the line what you want.

ApplesOrangesPears · 14/07/2019 22:22

But why are you cooking at all if it’s painful for you? Either ask him to do it or get yourself some cereal or something and he can sort himself out.

RosaWaiting · 14/07/2019 22:24

He sounds a total arse
Ditch

itsabongthing · 14/07/2019 22:28

I think if he’s being like this so early on in the relationship then it doesn’t bode well for the long term

Cathmidston · 14/07/2019 22:30

He’s expecting you to cook because, surgery or not, that’s your job. If you let him take you to future appointments, you’ll never hear the end of it. He’s an entitled self absorbed prick and I wouldn’t waste anymore of my time with him if I were you x

Sn0tnose · 14/07/2019 22:32

You tell him you’re having emergency surgery - his response is to text you good luck.

You’re struggling to stand - he still expects you to cook for him or buy him a takeaway

You can’t have sex - he’s lost interest in staying over

The one time he does stay - YOU end up on the sofa.

Actually, he is not a good man. A good man wouldn’t do any of this stuff. I’d imagine he’s only driving you to appointments because a) it isn’t interfering with any of his plans and b) he’s doing the bare minimum so you don’t look too closely at how utterly crap he is in every other way. He’s a user. He’s using you and as soon as you can’t give him what he wants, he’s not interested. What the fuck are you doing with him?

Iloveacurry · 14/07/2019 22:33

He doesn’t sound very nice.

Hope you feel better soon.

funnylittlefloozie · 14/07/2019 22:35

He sounds awful, quite frankly, and why the feck did you end up on the sofabed? He does not sound like a good man, or one who truly cares for you.

cccameron · 14/07/2019 22:35

Why on earth are you doing all this for him? Tell him that you can't cook at the moment. And why didn't you ask him to move to the sofa bed? Stop being a martyr! Oh and he sounds a selfish twat. It doesn't sound like he cares for you at all

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/07/2019 22:37

Rather than say the same thing but not so well, I'll quote Cathmidston:

He’s expecting you to cook because, surgery or not, that’s your job... He’s an entitled self absorbed prick and I wouldn’t waste anymore of my time with him if I were you.

whatisheupto · 14/07/2019 22:40

God this is awful. Don't do it for him. Tell him to piss off. He's using you for food and sex, sorry.

LazyLemur · 14/07/2019 22:49

He’s expecting you to cook because, surgery or not, that’s your job.

He is coming over, eating your food and going home again because now sex is off the table, there is nothing else in it for him.
Basically too lazy to cook and wank himself.
What's in it for you? He should be caring for you right now. Not the other way round.

Fuck that. Turf him off to his mother's.

KeepFuckingOff · 14/07/2019 22:51

He’s not the one. Cut him loose.

BostonFerl · 14/07/2019 22:55

He thinks of you as a provider of food and sex because you’re female and he thinks that’s your job, and even being in pain from emergency surgery doesn't let you off the hook. He sounds like he’s baffled by what happens if your ability to do these things to make his life easier is impaired.

He sounds like a selfish, sexist wanker. What’s more alarming, though, is that you don’t see this.

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl · 14/07/2019 22:56

Sounds ghastly. Dump his sorry arse.

Chloemol · 14/07/2019 23:22

So now you know what it’s going to be like if you do move in together. I wouldn’t and would be kicking him into touch

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