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Original poster

To be sad that my DCs don't want to come home?

52 replies

PleaseComeHome · 14/07/2019 16:03

I separated from my ex a year ago, and I have two DCs. DD and DS both 5 and 7 years old.

They go to their dads every weekend, he has them from Saturday and brings them home Sunday evening. Ex has told me that every time it's time to go home, they don't want to go home. No crying or anything, they just say they don't want to go home. And he has told me they have asked him if they can live there. I know he's not lying because the kids have asked me that aswell.

I know they're only kids, but it really gets me down. I try so hard to be a good mum, they asked me for certain things and I just can't afford it. I want to give them everything, and I've even started a small business on the side on top of my 9-5, so I can buy them the things they want.

It's all fun and games at ex's house, no school run, chores, homework or anything.

There's iPad, Xbox, he's got a car he takes them places. And I have to deal with the daily grind, the boring stuff.

It's so hard Sad hopefully once I get my business off the ground, I'll have more disposable income. Just looking to see if anyone else been in my situation?

OP posts:
GhostHoward · 14/07/2019 16:35

^^ as when they go to dad.

ScrambledToe · 14/07/2019 16:36

You have the shit end of the arrangement

bedunkalilt · 14/07/2019 16:37

It might not just be about ‘fun time’ or material things OP, so try not to be too hard on yourself in that regard.

I was a similar age when my parents separated and I always disliked coming home (mum was RP, dad had me EOW). On the surface there was ‘fun stuff’ with my dad, whereas my mum of course had to do all of the teaching, disciplining, financial worries etc in addition to trying to find nice things for us to do.

But in reality that wasn’t the issue. Quite simply, I found their separation hard. I was no longer living with my dad, EOW I got to ‘live’ with him again and then I had to give it all up all over again. It was unsettling, whereas my mum had become my ‘constant’ and I hadn’t had to give her up in the same way so it was easy to say ‘I don’t want to go back home’. It wasn’t because I didn’t want my mum or I didn’t like our home or our lifestyle, it was the change of no longer having both parents at home.

Of course I didn’t realise this all as a child! It came later with reflection and counselling and such. But as child I just felt ‘wrong’ inside, like there was a frustration whenever I was going back home, I just felt annoyed.

I’m not sure what to say other than, with time, I realised just how much my mum did for me, how important she was, how much positive impact she had on me being the resident parent, and every effort that she made for us.

Flowers
GhostHoward · 14/07/2019 16:37

Also, sorry for being blunt, but please say your new business isn't an "MLM" scheme. It's impossible very hard to make money from them, and in the long term they're likely to cost you a lot. (There's a good documentary that the BBC did recently, but I'm not sure if it's still up)

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2019 16:37

What everyone else said. DD would rather be wherever the weekend lives!

FWIW your ex sounds manipulative as well!

Yabbers · 14/07/2019 16:37

My nephew was with us for a week when he was 7. He said he wished I was his mum and his mum was his auntie. I put him straight, that he’d feel the same way if i was his mum. That my only job that week was to have fun with him, I didn’t have to worry about bed times and school and working full time.

That’s all it is. They spend the weekend with fun dad then go to mums for the dreary start to the week, where there are bathtimes and rules and things they have to do.

Tell your ex it is up to him to point that out to them, rather than lording it over you about how he is the favourite.

CarolDanvers · 14/07/2019 16:42

Weekends are fun times. Why does he get them every weekend. Of course they'll be down in the dumps about coming home and the Sunday night school preparations. Change the contact to EOW and make up the days mid week.

SD1978 · 14/07/2019 16:45

I agree with the sentiments of most other posters- it's not a fair split that you get all the grind and no chance at the fun times with them- can that part of the access change?

Original poster
PleaseComeHome · 14/07/2019 16:49

@bedunkalilt your post brought tears to my eyes, every weekend before he leaves my DS always hugs me tightly. I know they love me, and I know they're just too young to see how much I do for them.

Ex lives 10 mins from us, and he doesn't see them during the week. I know that's probably one of the reasons why they don't want to come home, they miss him a lot during the week and ask for him. So they probably feel the same as you do @bedunkalilt .

I'll definitely speak to him about having the kids EOW and some weekdays. Thank you

OP posts:
Juells · 14/07/2019 16:51

As others have suggested, ask him to have them for three nights during the week. Why can't they bring x-boxes etc. to yours when they're with you? I'd be very pissed off with this situation - you have all the grunt work and no entertainment for them, and he can be the wonderful Dad for the two days they're off school. That has to change as it's not fair on you. Stop feeling like an inadequate mother, the cards are stacked against you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2019 16:52

I agree with the consensus about varying the contact agreement.

It’s school holidays now or very soon depending where you are. Are you working full time or able to take time off? Can you do some fun stuff them? At 5 and 7, kids are easily pleased with a ride on the bus and a picnic at your destination. There are tons of free and very cheap activities around so nothing has to cost a fortune. Google primary times to see the local schedule.

megletthesecond · 14/07/2019 16:53

This is the problem, "'It's all fun and games at ex's house, no school run, chores, homework or anything."

Their dads house will be a hell of a lot less fun when he has to do the school run and juggle homework. He has no idea and will probably be no fun when he has to do those things. You need to spend time with them every other weekend and go out and have your fun.

category12 · 14/07/2019 16:57

You definitely need to change contact. It's not fair on you or the dc, and if he only lives 10 minutes away there's no reason he can't see them during the week. Every other weekend and a day in the week.

bedunkalilt · 14/07/2019 17:01

Flowers @PleaseComeHome hopefully with some changes as you say it may even out a bit, and either way with time they will adjust to their new normal. Wishing you and your DCs all the best Smile

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/07/2019 17:02

I think I sometimes felt the same seeing my dad. He had us EOW but not during the week. He had more money, a car, made loads of cool food, recorded loads of kids programmes during the two weeks we weren't there. He had a computer and the internet (in the early 90s).

However, as an adult I know now how much mum did for us, how hard she worked for the things we did have. I have a close relationship with mum (despite not getting along well as a teenager) based on all of that, not on the material things at my dad's. However it does take a level of maturity to get there.

I do think a switch to EOW and days/nights in the week is fairer as both parents get a share of the fun weekends and the routine weekdays. When do you get fun time with your children as they're both at school during the week and dad's at weekends?

Gustavo1 · 14/07/2019 17:04

Sad I’m sorry you’re going through this op. Shoe on the other foot, they would be wanting to stay with you if you had every weekend with weekday grind!
I hope you find a more equal split so you can get some down time with them too x

Notnownotneverever · 14/07/2019 17:07

That's awful and your ex knows it. What a terrible thing to do to you, arranging a custody agreement that means you do all the chores, school runs, chasing around and hard work and he gets all the playtime. You need to get this arrangement changed as soon as possible and with a court order perhaps. Is there anyone who can help you with this? A family liaison/support officer at the school?
This really important for your future relationship with your children and to lay some ground rules so your ex doesn't walk all over you.
Don't worry and panic but do take action asap.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 14/07/2019 17:10

YANBU to feel hurt- I would too. I would see about changing the times he has them so you get some weekends too and can do fun/non daily grind stuff with them. I think that’s important for every parent to have that time with their children.

FWIW my kids couldn’t believe their luck when they first started going to their dads every other weekend- getting to play PC/Xbox/watch tv all weekend, takeaways and ice cream and dad doesn’t make them do their homework- he doesn’t believe in it Hmm let’s just say the novelty has worn off after a year or so- they’re bored to tears, feel sick/have tummy ache/are constipated and the eldest at least has been in trouble with their teacher for not turning in homework on time.

Rivkka · 14/07/2019 17:13

I read your OP and felt sad for you, then read the replies and thought oh yeah, who doesn't prefer weekends and feel a bit pissed off on a Sunday night? It's not being there they prefer it's weekends v weekdays!

Change your days.

dreichhighlands · 14/07/2019 17:16

My dc love the weekends way more than the week. Of course your dc are going to prefer staying with dad if he gets all the fun time.
Stand firm and split the time out more evenly.

LIZS · 14/07/2019 17:24

Take it with a pinch of salt, he is just rubbing it in.

restingpigeon · 14/07/2019 17:52

The 7 year old is not too young to begin to see that giving kids whatever they want all the time, iPads, treats etc isn’t in their best interests. I’d have the start of a conversation about responsible parenting being about bringing them up so they can achieve their life goals - education is a key part of that, rather than giving in day to day to temporary wants.

’t get into a materialistic toy race, the dc will be the losers. I’d be pointing them to all the advice for kids on creating art, stories etc and not consuming other people’s stuff endlessly.

GeorgeTheFirst · 14/07/2019 17:54

He's getting all the fun of weekend time and you're getting all the drudgery of weekday time. It's throwing out the balance. It's not that they don't want to be with you, it's that they don't want the weekend to end. You need to change the arrangements I think.

restingpigeon · 14/07/2019 17:56

At least with mine she was shakey on the concept of why not getting exactly what you want all the time isn’t into good for you when she was 7 but now she’s 8 she really gets it after several conversations.

And obviously your ex shouldn’t have all the weekends - it was setting you up for that, I assume he negotiated this!

AbbyHammond · 14/07/2019 18:04

Dad definitely needs to be doing some more stressful school run mornings, homework, dentist appointments, bedroom tidying etc.

If he has a couple of school nights instead of the weekends then he can pay for childcare on his days too.

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