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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset over family's lack of interest in DS.

25 replies

PurpleHairD0ntCare · 14/07/2019 13:28

This is going to be outing but never mind.
I wanted to know if I'm being too sensitive about this.

My partner and I have a 2 year old DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship together.

2 year old DS is currently going through the process of being diagnosed with autism.

DP is from up country and moved down here over 5 years ago with his DC and his partner at the time. The journey back up to his home town is around 4-5 hours without any stops so is a fair way to travel.

Due to DS's ASD we have never made the journey up to visit family as DS doesnt handle long journeys, changes to his routine and unfamiliar environments very well. (DS has always been like this since a baby, which is why we have never gone).

My DP still takes his two DC up 2-3 times a year to visit the family, one of these times is over Christmas. Myself and DS always stay behind.

I'm beginning to feel hurt that DPs family won't make the effort to come down and see DS. Only the Grandparents have come down twice since DS was born, the rest of the family have never met him. They always say "We'll see him when you come to us". But I don't think they fully understand how extremely difficult it is with DS. Any journey and time away have always resulted in meltdowns.

I'm beginning to get fed up of us both being left out over Christmas as well.

DPs family are all fairly well off so can afford multiple holidays a year, his parents are retired so have the time to come down also. But no one wants to make the effort to meet DS. I find it hurtful.

Perhaps I should make the effort to meet in the middle of the journey with DS? Although that would still result in DS having meltdowns and struggling.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 14/07/2019 13:32

If GPs have visited, can you clarify which other relatives you expect to come and visit?

EskewedBeef · 14/07/2019 13:34

I think grandparents making the 10 hour round trip twice in two years is pretty good going.

HennyPennyHorror · 14/07/2019 13:34

They sound shit but in all honesty, I think you could make some effort. I do understand how it is with autism and disruptions but perhaps a train might be easier? Or a car journey with breaks? Most people with children who have autism must make some sort of journey.....

BigRedLondonBus · 14/07/2019 13:36

I’m surprised you expect it tbh. My exes sister lives in the same city as me and hasn’t seen my children in 6 years. Generally extended family don’t tend to care that much.

bridgetreilly · 14/07/2019 13:38

I can't imagine trekking all that way to meet a cousin or a niece, tbh. His grandparents have visited and that's about all I would expect.

Pineapplefish · 14/07/2019 13:41

The thing that would upset me most is that your DH goes off to have Christmas without you and DS. That's awful Sad He should stay with you, whatever the rest of his family does.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 14/07/2019 13:44

I think it's a bit of an ask for extended family, unless you can comfortably accommodate them all and have invited them. Also as of yet you haven't had a diagnosis, so for you to just say to them oh it's too much for him might sound like excuses or you avoiding them (not saying you are just how it might seem). Your DP chose to move five hours from family, or makes sense that he and his small family are the ones to go back and see everyone, rather than the whole extended family traipsing to you. Do you do Skype with grandparents? PIL live about 90 minutes away and we see them about once a month, but DH tries to video call once a week.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 14/07/2019 13:45

The Christmas thing is odd, unless your partners other children live where his family live

Original poster
PurpleHairD0ntCare · 14/07/2019 13:47

Maybe I am being too sensitive about it. I think I've started feeling this way because of the fuss they make over DPs two DC, always ask when they are going to see them next etc but are not fussed about seeing our DS. They are a very close knit family so other than GP I meant DPs brother and sister etc.

Although I accept I could make more of an effort, like a PP said, families with ASD children must still travel.

OP posts:
BigRedLondonBus · 14/07/2019 13:51

I wouldn’t travel that distance so I’m not sure you can expect his brothers and sisters to. They make a fuss about the other children as your dp takes them up there so they actually have a relationship with them. They are not going to make a fuss over a child they’ve never seen.

Singlenotsingle · 14/07/2019 13:51

You say they don't show much interest in your DS - that's because they dont know him! You'll have to get him accustomed to travelling unless you want to be imprisoned in your house forevermore!

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 14/07/2019 13:59

I really think regular phone calls and video calls
(even on set days if routine is best for him) willl help to build the relationship over time DS might be excited to go and see his grandparents and the more they talk the more engaged the grandparents will be as they'll know what to ask. Eg oh did you enjoy swimming this week, are you looking forward to going to your friend's party etc at the moment they don't know him

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/07/2019 13:59

They have a relationship with the other children though so it’s only natural they ask about them.

You need to make an effort to, you can’t lay it all at their door.

Original poster
PurpleHairD0ntCare · 14/07/2019 14:01

You're probably right. I think I might have been expecting a lot as it is a long way to travel. Sometimes it's just hard when you feel you're missing out on stuff. I am hoping as DS gets older it'll get easier to travel.

OP posts:
MuseThalia · 14/07/2019 14:10

I know its hard, but the more I expose my son (autism and learning difficulties) to unfamilier things, the easier it has become for him to tolerate things, because when they are adults they are going to have to especially when we are not around. It is really hard at first and it is easier if you start gradually but if its not feasible to start gradually you just have to get on with it. I know this sounds harsh but I have another 2 children and can't stop them from doing things just because of DS's autism, he's 14 now and likes going in the car, he used to hate it (unless he was looking at pylons) :D

Alarae · 14/07/2019 14:10

My family all live approximately two hours away, and while I see them from time to time, I don't tend to just spontaneously go down to see my niece and nephew. It's always mushed in with another family event that I'll happen to see them at. I do still have a good relationship with them however, just I don't see them often. Doesn't mean I do not care however.

Unfortunately unless you live close by, I don't think a lot of contact will happen.

Original poster
PurpleHairD0ntCare · 14/07/2019 14:21

I've probably blown it up in my mind to be a bigger deal than it is tbh. Hearing that it's quite typical for families who live far away has put it in perspective for me.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/07/2019 14:57

So next time he goes to see family tell him you want to go too, with little ds.

PotteringAlong · 14/07/2019 15:03

If you’ve never done the journey with him, how do you know he can’t handle it?

Original poster
PurpleHairD0ntCare · 14/07/2019 15:11

He's not been able to handle a journey longer than 30 minutes before without becoming distressed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/07/2019 15:16

It sounds like the ILs has a relationship with your stepDC before they moved away whereas due to distance they've not had a chance to build one with DS. It is very easy to be out of sight out of mind unfortunately Sad

I hope DS gets more tolerant of travelling soon Thanks

Thehop · 14/07/2019 15:16

Don’t be offended, I wouldn’t travel that far for a niece or nephew. I’m sure it’s not personal, and it may get easier for your day to travel in time

F2Feee · 14/07/2019 15:20

Yabu. Its unfortunate for you but you really cant expect anyone to make that trip just for your ds. Off course they will be closer to your DSc as they see them more often. As other pp pointed out, I wouldn't travel all that way just for a niece or nephew , and a 2yo at that.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/07/2019 15:40

Could you ask parents of children with the same condition how they manage? I bet there are loads of ideas online. Then maybe you could come to an arrangement about travelling one year and staying at home the next. It seems unfair that Christmas always revolves around his children and his family, and you and your joint child are just left out.

TitianaTitsling · 14/07/2019 16:44

Is he still rear facing in the car? I know it's safer to keep RF for longer now, however the stress of the screaming and escape attempts caused us to switch and once DC could look and see where we were going it was much better!

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