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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want only us at our wedding?

53 replies

Babyblues052 · 13/07/2019 20:52

So my partner and I have decided to get married next march after 2 year engagement. We have spoken about getting married for years and both agreed we hated the idea of a big lavish wedding, it just isn't us. We want to be married in a registry office then get in the car with our 2 yo ds and drive up north and have a little hotel mini break just us. Thing is we really don't want anyone there, we know we need 2 witnesses but apart from that we just want to get married and go have a break.

I've really fallen in love with the idea of us doing it that way and for me it's really romantic, I realise some people will think wtf.

But it's already causing tensions with some on both sides taking offence thinking that it's some kind of personal attack to want it to be just us. It's wearing me down, even when we explained surely it's our day and we should be able to do it how we want there is still drama. Our friends and most of our families are really supportive but some are driving me crazy!

Do you think we are being out of order? Should we invite our immediate families?

OP posts:
Sorryisntgoodenough · 13/07/2019 22:07

YANBU to want to do this but YABU to have told family in advance and expect them to understand. After all they all had weddings so why assume they would understand you just wanting to go off and do it?

my dsis went off and did it (I knew) & then they told the family afterwards. I thought it was great they got the wedding they wanted. 15 years on MIL is still miffed about it but accepting.

Don’t share anymore with anyone. When it’s time, just go off and do it. Someone will always feel slighted for not being invited if you tell them in advance.

Grumpyunleashed · 13/07/2019 22:10

My wife and I hated the idea of a family public wedding and so ran away to Gretna Green and got married. It is the original UK centre for elopement. Basically it’s a small town just North of Carlisle in Scotland with various places to marry. We used the Old Forge having B&B’d locally.
It was a lovely little ceremony of just us and 2 visiting tourists who were recruited by staff as witnesses, but you can have a service as small or large as you wanted so you & the kiddies or close family etc.
Basically the legal paperwork takes 28 days and can be done by post and was all really simple and took about 1 month to arrange.

Good luck and do your own thing. Your wedding is you and your partner. No one else has any opinion that is relevant.

lookingatthings · 13/07/2019 22:13

We are doing this! Ourselves, our DS and two witnesses. If it's what you want then do it and don't be pressured into anything else.

Knitwit99 · 13/07/2019 22:15

The only people I would vaguely care about would be our parents. I kind of feel that if they have been good, supportive parents your whole life and you are close to them they have sort of earned a place at your wedding. Since the only parents you are close to are your dads and they don't mind I would go ahead and do whatever you like.

BostonFerl · 13/07/2019 22:18

We did this, and it was lovely, low-key and romantic. But check with your registry office that they can supply witnesses — ours didn’t (they said it lost too many backroom staff hours) and also said that they couldn’t hold the slot if we had difficulty bagging witnesses from the street — so we ended up bringing two friends who were free.

We made it clear to family later on that having 200 people, a white dress and a hotel reception had never been an option. No one pitched a fit.

RollOnSummerBreak · 13/07/2019 22:24

Do it.

We didn't want big lavish. Doing registry with family. And friends. And for. Various reasons it's been a heacahe and close to calling it off.. Despite it being this summer. I just want it done with.

Do. What you want don't let people talk you into something else like we did.

okeydokeygirl · 13/07/2019 22:39

This is what we did. Just us, 2 witnesses and our 7 year old DD. The difference was we never told anyone except the 2 witnesses in advance. Lovely registry office. A nice frock that I have worn loads since. A low key lunch then a special hotel and evening meal. We splurged about a grand on dinner drinks 3 luxury hotel rooms for one night. Back home the next day and then told family. There were some that were disappointed but most understood it is the marriage that follows that is important not the pomp and ceremony of the wedding. Best thing we ever did. I think maybe where you have fallen down is telling people your plans on advance. Hope it all turns out OK.

BenjiCat · 14/07/2019 07:31

I created an account to respond to this as it's very similar to our experience!

We were feeling exactly the same as you OP. Been together a long time. Didn't want the fuss, stress or money involved with a traditional wedding. We both hate being the centre of attention and we both have massive extended families, which meant there was no way we could have done something smaller without offending someone. There's the added complexity of my husband's parents having split, so we couldn't have said 'just parents' without it being very awkward (see where we put off getting married for so long...).

We loved the idea of doing something romantic, just the two of us. We ended up eloping in Cornwall last summer. It was beautiful and very meaningful to us. We even went surfing the morning after the wedding! Wouldn't change a thing (and can let you know recommendations if needed!).

My only regret? Bloody telling my family as I wanted to be 'honest' about our plans. We told immediate family a couple weeks in advance. My husband's family were accepting and very supportive. My family...they weren't supportive at all and kicked up a stink. We stuck to our guns (which I'm proud of). However, I have to be honest and say it's changed my relationship with my family.

OP go for it...but be very vague /non committal about your plans...!

Original poster
Babyblues052 · 14/07/2019 07:42

@BenjiCat that sounds perfect to me tbh! We are the same, I've never been one to dream of a big wedding with the dress and all the other stuff, although I absolutely love going to big fancy weddings! I would just hate it for myself. And my dp thankfully feels the same!

I wish we hadn't told anyone and just done it. But I'm hoping they just forget as its still a while off!

OP posts:
BogstandardBelle · 14/07/2019 07:54

Don’t talk about it, just do it ;-)

DH and were witnesses at our friends wedding last year. Just them, us and our respective children. The bride wore jeans, and afterwards we went back to their place for champagne and played board games until late. It was lovely.

M’y sister asked me recently if I’d mind not being invited to a similar wedding if her and her partner. Like my friend, their primary reason for trying married is to facilitate the whole inheritance / pensions / next of kin situation. I said of course not!

Paddingtonthebear · 14/07/2019 08:05

We did similar. It was not a popular decision and arguments were had with family. We rarely talk about our wedding day as a result.

That said, I would do it again. I probably just wouldn’t tell anyone we even got married Grin

BenjiCat · 14/07/2019 08:14

Yes I can love others weddings. I think that was the key thing. A big traditional wedding just wasn't us.

I agree. I wish we'd just done and dealt with the aftermath! Families definitely can get weird about weddings. I try to look at it now as it's opened my eyes to certain people...and made me even more thankful to those who were so open minded and kind.

All the best of luck to you!

BenjiCat · 14/07/2019 08:25

Yes same! I don't really discuss our wedding with my family now as it's led to arguments. However I still don't think I'd have changed how we did it Smile.

MT2017 · 14/07/2019 08:25

We did exactly this.

My parents and DH's parents are both divorced and we have lots of siblings and half siblings. DH and I felt strongly being together was about the marriage (long term), not the wedding (one day).

Someone said to me at the time they thought I would really regret having a big white wedding but we never have.

Go for it! Was worth having a professional photographer though (esp as you won't have guests taking photos!) Grin

Groovee · 14/07/2019 08:27

Go for it. And MN have often had people offer to be a witness if its local to them.

MollyButton · 14/07/2019 08:31

Why wait 8 months? Especially if you have a LO - why not do it now? and don't tell people or only those you want involved.

Megan2018 · 14/07/2019 08:34

We got married on our own, no guests at all. Witnesses provided by hotel.
Family were not happy to start with, my side got over it, MIL hasn’t.
It was perfect and I’d not change a thing. Just do it and bugger anyone else.

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2019 08:38

Obviously you can do what you want. But if I was your mum I'd be sad not to be there.

Original poster
Babyblues052 · 14/07/2019 09:21

@Nanny0gg I don't have a relationship with my mum I haven't seen or spoken to her since I was four. So no worries there. I'm close to my dad and he's all for us doing our own thing Smile

I wish everyone thought like you all do! Some on my side and some on dp side have taken it personally, thinking we don't want specifically them there as if our lives revolve around them Hmm. It's a bit disappointing tbh, I wish we hadn't have mentioned it but we know now not to bring it up again

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/07/2019 09:34

Ah. Different situation then.
Go ahead.

BenjiCat · 14/07/2019 09:40

That was the reaction of my family. The 'you didn't want us there!' as though it was specifically about them and that our plans should revolve around them. Also overlooking my husband's family and our close friends etc. not being there either... Hmm

LadyRannaldini · 14/07/2019 09:51

You could invite the couple who plan on locking up themselves and their new baby for six weeks to 'bond'!

If you really intended doing this then you should have gone ahead and done it, presenting a fait accompli to your friends and family. Think of all the money they'll be saving.

viques · 14/07/2019 09:51

I agree with others, your big mistake has been announcing it so far in advance. People will think

A) secretly you want them to arrange a shindig but are too mean or too shy to say so

Or

B) you are open to being persuaded /pressured to ask a few close friends to be witnesses

If you really want to have just the two of you at your wedding then call your local registrars, take the first day they have available and just do it.

Tell people if you want to or need to, or when you are ready to. Have the road trip whenever, it will still be fun, and if your child is quite young it won't know the difference anyway until you show them the pictures at a later date and explain.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 14/07/2019 10:37

I just think anyone who has a problem with this is a bit of a wanker!! Taking something like that personally is pathetic. I know some people who have done it this way and just thought it was lovely and like you say, romantic.

You get married your way and bloody enjoy it! It's your life and your marriage. It's all well and good people saying you should have kept it secret but you can guarantee people would have had a problem with that too and tbh you've told them now so unless you have a time machine there's nothing you can do! So just do what you two like and have a lovely day.

Unusualusernames · 14/07/2019 10:43

I've been with my partner twenty years and we want to get married. The only thing putting me off is the thought of having a wedding. I'm a shy person and the thought of being centre of attention makes me cringe and I feel like there's so many better things I could spend money on