Summer fair spending money

[WitchDancer]

I am getting rather sick and tired of this situation, but I'm wondering if I should be so would value opinions please.

I always give my kids spending money for trips and summer fairs etc. They know that's all they will get and that any food and so on will have to come out of that money. Recently another family's kids have latched onto my kids because they know they have money and they take advantage and have a go on a game or get something to eat and assume mine will pay. The kids latching on never seem to be given money for themselves.

My youngest is 10, eldest 12, so old enough to go around these small events without me breathing down their necks (most of the time it's an event run by people who know them by name). Sometimes it's at a school trip or a trip out with a group they are members of, where I'm not there to police it.

AIBU in saying something to this family's adults and calling them CF's?

Why don't the kids just say no? "Mum only gave me enough money for one ice cream/go on the game - you'll have to ask your Mum/Dad"

I agree, if your kids are old enough to go round these events on their own, they can decide whether to spend some of their money on their friends or tell them to go ask their own parents.

I'm trying to train mine to say no, but my youngest has a particularly generous nature. Point taken though.

That's a lovely trait to have, but it needs to be tempered with a little wisdom to avoid being taken advantage of. Perfect opportunity to talk about that before the next similar occasion.

I was often this child, in a slightly different scenario. Single parent family, my dad gave me considerably more pocket money than my friends (40pounds approx a month - years 2000-2004 time wise) - and therefore friends would constantly ask and to be frank guilt trip me into buying them things because “I get so much money” - if I didn’t I would be called greedy and selfish (aged 11) and much worse as we got older. I let them take advantage big time. What they didn’t get at the time was that money had to buy me stuff their mums would just pick up in the weekly shop - bought all my own toiletries, period supplies, we had no car so it paid my bus fare and had to save it for clothes too.

Not turning this into a sob story - you have given your kids money for their own treats and needs. It’s not up to your children to supply for their friends and this could get worse. Don’t let them be a push over like I was because as they get older the pressure will increase. Build their confidence to stand up for themselves. Teach them to say no.

Thank you for sharing Banana, I can easily see mine ending up in a similar situation (apart from having an allowance).

Tbh I'd be a quite proud of my dc to be so thoughtful to treat a friend who didn't have anything. My ds once lost his wallet on a trip and a girl in his class gave him a couple of kid for the shop when he told me I immediately gave the mam the money but she refused.

I feel the same Snapped, and if it was a one off I wouldn't mind in the least. It's the fact that they are like vultures around my kids at every event that we go to and they are there 😔

I think it's a simple one. Tell your kids it's their money to do as they wish with. Once it's gone it's gone. If they want to spend it on their friends they can, but they need to know it's ok to say no too

Yes, agreeing with above that it is a nice trait, the example about helping out a friend who lost their purse.

I think the thing to teach your children is how sharing their money makes them feel. If it makes them happy, for example treating their best friend to a game at the fun fair or helping a friend who has lost money, that’s fine. If however they feel pressured and therefore feel resentful or upset after, then they haven’t given it away for good reason. Continuous is very different to a one off.

Thank you for your comments - I'll have another chat with my kids and make sure they know they are allowed to say no.

Would you also have a word with the other parents?

You’re going to have to teach them to be strong and say no.

Are these kids actually their friends? Or only friends when they are at a thing where they can take advantage?

I'd be tempted to talk to the other parents, I might go over and very lightheartedly say something like "it's so nice they're friends- I think my DS treated your DS to go on a game/cake etc". If it was me, as the parent, I would offer the money back

Maybe you should start to give your children a monthly allowance instead of handing out money for each event? Then they will be aware (or learn to be aware) about budgeting - if all the money gets spent on trip 1 they won’t have money for trip 2. That might make them think before they help out friends. And then if there is an event and they have no money left, either the friends will pay for them, or more likely they will realise that it has been a bit once sided, and review future generosity.

Only give half the amount of what you intend to give them.
My dc has this, one particular child did ask you describe and made her feel very guilty for not buying her things. Otoh if your children are the only kids with spending money this is a difficult situation because I they will be on the own or paying for things. In their circle of friends this spending money is perhaps not the norm. Maybe it will even out as the kids get older. Ask them to be more discreet, telling friends they have say £10 is a lot at that age. £3 not so much and could be a way of avoiding friends pestering them for things

Pretending they give friends £1.50 out of £5
I'd give them £3.50 and say they can take what money they want from their spends to spend on their friend.

I agree that you don't want them to be ungenerous - they sound lovely - but it sounds as if they need a bit of help with "Spot the CF" as a life skill. Would they consider a jokey bit of roleplay with you a bit childish? Ask them if it really bothers them, and if they admit they are feeling a bit taken for a ride, think in advance of ways to stand up to it, pleasant but firm.
I think back to previous threads where people are fuming at the CF who's always dodging paying their share, relying on other people not wishing to appear mean.

Are these other children actually good friends or are they just poncing off your DC? Because if its the latter that's a life lesson for them.

I completely feel your frustration
DS is 13, there was a point he always seemed to paying for friends drinks, bus fairs etc...coming home giving them good and drinks, this started to become a regular occurrence and I was getting so sick of it
I just had to explain to him that I do not give him X amount of money to fund his friends, I have reduced the amount of spends I give him in one go now and I have been very clear that if carries on I will have no choice but to stop giving him money, his friends wouldn't do it for him and it was like it was expected

No I wouldn’t mention it to the parents unless you are actually talking to them about allowances and kids spending money (it comes up - for school trips the school gives a guide as to how much spending money is appropriate and parents also ask each other how much they are giving the kids for the very reason you are posting).
But just how many fairs are you going to? There was only one a year in the part of SW London we lived in and none where we are now.

This wont be a popular opinion and I will be flamed - but these threads should explore every possibility.

DS has a friend, he probably is her only true friend (fuck knows why) who is a thoroughly spoiled and dislikeable creature, who always had a flock of friends - because she 'bought' them. always spends on treat, sweets, sleepovers because she was always first with every new game. It was quite sad to watch really.

So some might call it the 'vulture effect' , some might call it buying friendships, depends which way you view it.

Thank you all for your suggestions. To answer some questions:

Yes, they are friends at school and outside of school. They come over at least once a week.

I didn't really want to start an allowance just yet. They get pocket money through Go Henry that they are good about saving up for larger items. The only problem we have is outside the norm, and I'm trying to teach them about not blowing all their money in one go, plus budgeting to buy their lunch and leave enough to have a go on everything they want to (they get to keep anything they don't spend).

We go to at least four fairs a year, plus school and club trips.

Maybe I could reduce the amount I give them or give it in instalments - great idea.

I don't think they are spoiled (I really hope not anyway!). I think it's more the case that these children never get given money (I know the household income is higher than ours too) unless it's their birthday.

I think maybe get them to plan and price up what they want to spend their money on might work. If you know rough prices.
So they can see they'll miss out if they share.
And I'd practise giving them the words to say no to these other children.

They don’t need to tell their friends how much they have.... I would teach mine not to show off etc and only spend what they’re happy to spend.
But if they want to treat their friends then they can. That’s a nice thing to do.

Sometimes you have to let them learn lessons the hard way.