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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to help my parents

20 replies

hellowembley · 13/07/2019 13:11

My parents, in their 60s, are of the baby boom generation but due to some questionable financial decisions over the years as well as some misfortune (eg redundancies) have not ended up in the same sort of secure financial position as many of their generation. Neither of them have a pension other than the state pension. They do have about £300k equity left over from the sale of our family home a few years back. Since then they’ve been in rented at home and abroad and have also bought, renovated and sold a few houses ( my dad’s really good at DIY) some at greater profit than others.
A year ago they moved into a 4 bed house in my hometown. My parents used £200k of their cash as the deposit and my brother took a mortgage out on the remaining £150k. The idea was to renovate & sell on in 3 years, pay back my brother & divide the profit according to some formula they devised. Now, one year in, my dad’s done the renovation & the estate agent says he’s added £100k value.
To add a layer of complication, when they first moved into the property my mum was very upset because she hates the transient life they’re leading, moving from house to house and said she couldn’t bear to leave another place she would get attached to. I sympathised with this ( she is an anxious, emotional person who suffers from depression so I’m quite invested in how she’s feeling). So at that point I offered that my husband & i could take over the mortgage from my brother after 3 years instead & they could stay put. We looked at it carefully & could afford it at the monthly rate my brother is paying with some sacrifices. I am no financial mastermind & didnt properly think about the implications of 2nd mortgage or logistics of this arrangement.
Anyway, now my dad has realised he’s added good value, he wants to sell up now & use the money to do 2 or 3 more renovations while he still has the energy, health etc then retire. He’s happy to then live in a downsized place but would like to have money for travel. He hates the idea of taking money from me and can’t see how it would work. Like would i buy the house from my bro at the new price? Buy to let mortgage? If they stay in the house he rightly points out They’d still have to keep their 200k equity in leaving them only £100k plus state pension to survive on for what could be another 20 years. Meanwhile my mum is really upset & wants to stay in the house at all costs, take me up on my offer etc. It is the size of a family home really but all her friends live in these types of houses so I think she feels quite entitled to the same as well as a lifestyle involving travel, lots of new clothes etc etc.
In some ways I know my mum is unreasonable- she wants something she hasn’t worked for. She either totally relied on my dad being succesful, but then he wasn’t or didn’t think about the future at all. But in other ways I feel very sorry for her & don’t want her to have to keep moving as she approaches 70.
Can anyone think of a solution to this dilemma?

OP posts:
Yellowweatherwarning · 13/07/2019 13:15

Not being awful but your dm does not need a 4 bed house at the expense of you/dh /db making sacrifices to allow her to keep up with her friends...
Bonkers.

Yabu to rope your dh into making this happen also...

DisplayPurposesOnly · 13/07/2019 13:18

I am no financial mastermind & didnt properly think about the implications of 2nd mortgage or logistics of this arrangement

Firstly I think very strongly you should look into this before actually doing anything. Ideally don't say any more than 'I'm happy to look into what's feasible' rather than offering to help, per se.

Secondly I think you need to leave your parents to negotiate their marriage. Your dad wants to move 2-3 more times, your mum wants to stay put - they need to agree this between them.

Weirdpenguin · 13/07/2019 13:19

Your Mum may be nearly 70 but she hasn't really grown up yet. She has chosen to rely on your Dad and probably at this stage will have to continue to do so. I think it is unfair of either of them to depend on you. Your mother may have to review her expectatipns. If she can't afford it she can't have it.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 13/07/2019 13:22

Alternative option is they downsize, and you and your dad jointly invest in a doer-upper where you recoup your costs + small share of profits . However you must must must look at the full implications of this, all the contingency plans for something going wrong and put a written agreement in place.

Oldraver · 13/07/2019 13:29

What about them living in something to meet their needs like a one bed, still leaving you DD with money to buy another do-er upper

CannyLad · 13/07/2019 13:43

I don't think this is as lucrative as it seems. Stamp duty on a £350,000 house is £7,500. Adding agents fees, solicitor, cost of moving, materials for renovation, mortgage set up fee and interest plus living in a building site for a year doesn't make it such a great return when spilt between your parents and brother. Maybe one way is to get them to very realistically work out what the renovations and moving are costing then decide if it's worth it. But yes as pp said, a bit part of this is your parents relationship which they need to sort out.

LostInNorfolk · 13/07/2019 13:53

They have £300k equity in the property?

sell it and buy a finished house somewhere cheaper?

Equity release to settle £150k mortgage?

Get a job to pay the £150k mortgage

LostInNorfolk · 13/07/2019 13:54

Does your brother own all of their house? Is the mortgage solely in his name?

Durgasarrow · 13/07/2019 14:20

If they have a four bedroom house and are short of money, can they get some roommates? Part-time jobs?

hellowembley · 13/07/2019 15:59

The house is in my brother’s name but he has only paid into it in terms of monthly mortgage whereas my parents put the deposit in.

Some food for thought here, thank you. I think there is an element of them thinking they’re a bit above or too old for certain ways of making money which is frustrating.

OP posts:
R3sp0nsibleReas0n · 13/07/2019 16:28

Suggestion
They stay where they are
They release the equity to buy a buy to let which they renovate, then rent out or a couple of buy to let's
They will need to complete a yearly tax form to HMRC
Buy to let mortgages are more expensive & have to pay extra stamp duty
The complicated part, is that your brother seems to own part of the property
There are parts of UK where property is cheap to buy compared to other places. You can get bargains via property auctions

Personally, I would keep yourself out of it unless you investigate all the monetary & legal aspects of part owning a property

R3sp0nsibleReas0n · 13/07/2019 16:34

Or they sell the 4 bed, pay your brother back. They downsize & buy smaller property

bridgetreilly · 13/07/2019 16:39

They need to:
(i) Sell this property, pay brother back
(ii) Buy forever home, at a rate they can afford without help from you or your brother. It will be smaller and that is a GOOD thing. They do not need a family house and in ten years time they will be glad not to have to be worrying about cleaning and upkeep on a big house.
(iii) Use the extra £100k to buy small house needing work for your dad to do up and sell on. He can keep doing this as long as he is able and willing. If you or your brother want to invest in these with him that's fine.

Knitwit99 · 13/07/2019 16:43

Do not get involved in this. Don't buy a share of a house they don't need.
They need to agree between them what to do and where to live and they need to do it independently.
Tell them you have looked into the finances and can't afford it then leave them to it. They are not bankrupt, they have money. They just have to use it wisely, just like the rest of us.

Ellisandra · 13/07/2019 16:48

And your husband agreed to your suggestion?
Cos it would be a “no fucking way” from me if my husband wanted me to agree to this for his parents.

You need a mortgage for at least £150K to buy your brother out, probably more to cover his share of the increase in value. You’ll be paying back far more than that in interest.

They need to cut their cloth. And that’s not even going to be that bad, as they can afford a property outright.
Your dad sounds like he has a sensible plan turning houses when he has the skill and still has the energy. I’d be advising your mum to suck it up with the moves, as it’s s good plan. If she really can’t bear it, then they should sell up, buy something they can afford, and leave their kids out of it.

RandomMess · 13/07/2019 16:49

They need to sell up and buy a small permanent home for your Mum's sake.

Your Dad could work helping other people renovate or as a handy man.

Do not get financially involved.

Drum2018 · 13/07/2019 16:51

The house is in my brother’s name but he has only paid into it in terms of monthly mortgage whereas my parents put the deposit in

Take your offer off the table. The house isn't even in their names. Why would you take on mortgage payments on your brothers house? Leave the 3 of them to sort their mess out themselves. Your parents made choices which have led them here - that's not on you, and certainly not on your Dh, to sort out. Stay out of it.

R3sp0nsibleReas0n · 13/07/2019 16:57

The majority of home owners own one property only

A small percentage of people, own their home plus a holiday home or a buy to let

An even smaller percentage own 2+ properties.

There is a risk & responsibility related to owning more than one property

Be careful

PooWillyBumBum · 13/07/2019 22:00

Getting involved will do nothing for their relationship (you’re already dangling a carrot your dad sounds uninterested in but tempting your mum with staying in a too-big home) and your relationship with parents - what happens in the future when finances change and you’re faced with losing your home or making your parents homeless? Or if you struggle for space or can’t afford a holiday? The aprons strings are running in the wrong direction and need to be cut. Quite honestly I think you need to stay out of it and let them figure this out - have they been to see a financial advisor, for instance? Considered moving to a cheaper area? Buying a home outright with an annexe they can rent out to top up their pension?

I understand your motivations are coming from a good place but there’s so much that could go wrong here.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/07/2019 22:04

Step away and leave it to your parents to sort out. You are far too involved in their finances for your own good and you are risking your own financial security for no reason.

It is also not your job to make your Mum happy.

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