Why am I so convinced it wasn't abuse?

[MissBootyBass]

My ex partner was abusive towards me. Coercive control they call it. Anger towards me. Cruel to his children. He was impossible to live with. I was always scared and walking on eggshells. Women's aid deemed me medium-high risk, health visitor deemed me high-risk. Police deemed me know risk but they said they score differently based on immediate risk and as I had fled, I wasn't at immediate risk of harm. They still stated that I was abused. My solicitor (who is a kind lady doing all my work for free) stated that she can actually see why I would be scared for my life due to the way he spoke to me (evidenced in text messages) and that I was severely abused. Social services agree, very kind man stated that it was abuse and that my integrity may be questioned if I allowed him access to our son.
So why, why why am I struggling to get my head round the seriousness of it? Why do I feel sorry for him? Why am I STILL not convinced it was abuse?

I'm exhausted by it.

Low risk not know risk

It sounds a like emotional abuse, just because someone does awful things to you does not mean you dont love them however hard you try not to !!! your only human at the end of the day, trying to do the right thing by your sons. you have already seeked help so focus on you and your child right now, do something nice for you both, take some down time and remember why you dont want that for you and do you want your son to grow up and treat a women how his dad treated you ?
I hope you find happiness and things get better x

There could be any number of reasons for this.

Did you have an abusive childhood? Is this kind of behaviour normalised within your immediate and extended family?

Disassociation - where the experience has been so bad you switch off your normal feelings towards it and instead feel neutral or numb.

Some people believe (wrongly) that they are to blame in some way for the abuse. To protect their own innate sense of integrity/sense of self they minimise the abuse thus minimising their part in it.

Have you spoken to a counsellor? I think that would be a good first start to understand and explore your feelings. The freedom programme is also highly thought of and can be done on line.

Well done for getting away.

I haven't had counselling but am a bit nervous to take that step. My parents, whilst separated, were kind and loving. I had a model childhood really BUT I have been in a string of unhealthy relationships. Two abusive. Which maybe is why I blame myself

I wouldn't underestimate the impact of parental separation on a younger child. But it may have nothing to do with your situation. No one here will be able to tell you why these men have abused you but we can all tell you that you are not to blame. You have/had zero control over their behaviour.

What worries you about counselling?

It has taken me over 10 years to begin to realise the extent of the abuse in my marriage.
Even last year the penny dropped about something and I realised that my exh had been deliberately hiding things and then blaming me for losing them.
Why had that never occurred to me before? Because, who the fuck would do that?
I judged his standard of behaviour by my own. I gave him credit for feelings that he didnt possess.
Coercive control is so insidious that you cant see the edges of it.
I saw each incident in isolation and thought, well everyone has bad day. But what I didnt see were the string of bad days which added up to years with the occasional ok day in between.
You are out. Well done. My advice is to give yourself time not just to heal but to appreciate what happened to you and how they got away with it.
Hopefully it won't take you as long to figure it out as I have. For myself, I have decided never to risk a relationship again, not because all men are abusers, but because I didn't see it coming and worry that I won't recognise it again

The psychological term for it is Stockholm Syndrome. Victims have feelings for their abuser as a self preservation strategy: as, if the abuser feels loved, it often makes the abuse less frequent, less unpredictable and therefore more manageable for the victim. Its why women struggle to leave, and along with their abuser convincing them they'd never cope alone etc.