DS’s terrible excuse for a dad!

[Shootingstar1115]

I have DS with my ex. He’s always seen him but it’s been hit and miss, he lets him down, changes plans last minute.

He’s barely seeing him at all at the minute.

He used to see him at the weekend for 2-4 hours at a time but it’s becoming less and less.

My ex works on Saturdays so cannot have him then and on Sunday his girlfriend wants to do days out with him and their baby (DS not included). He’s had him overnight but he will pick him up at 7.30pm and he’ll be back in the morning so him and his girlfriend can do something.

Aibu to think this is a bit pointless? Sometimes I think that it would be best he doesn’t have any contact because he just causes upset an distress when he lets him down last minute, changes plans etc.

They don’t include him in their days out or anything.

I just feel for DS. He’s always asking why daddy doesn’t see him very much. 😭

That sounds really unkind to your son, it’s barely an evening together. How old is your child? Can he stay over Thursday and Friday and your ex drops him to school if he isn’t working?

Why can't they manage both kids at once? How old is your DS?

DS is 8. It seems she wants the perfect family unit where it’s just her, him and their baby. . It’s gone down hill so they’ve been living together and had a little one themselves.

He doesn’t tend to have him in the week. He doesn’t live too far away but I find it’s easier to do week days myself as my ex works and we live 2 minutes away from the school. He used to go there for dinner once a week but even that doesn’t happen anymore.

I’m not sure if it’s my ex or his new partner. She seems to want the perfect family yet she knew that he had a child. 😭

She can be as much as a cunt as she chooses too. Ultimately it’s him making the choice to not see him.

Definitely Train.... it’s a hard one. I’m not the confrontational type but I need to start standing my ground and sticking up for DS. They just seem to drop him like a hat all the time.

Talk to your ex and tell him DS misses him and wants to spend time more time with him.
If your ex doesn't up his contact or try and include him when he goes out with his new family I'd be telling him to disappear.
Your son deserves love and respect from his father and if he can't give his own child that then he is definitely better off without him

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Ffs

Wrong thread!

Sorry was supposed to be on the “are these good SATS results post”

It's a rubbish situation OP but I strongly feel that you should keep going with the contact, however minimal it is. It's one thing for a child to be upset that their parent doesn't want to spend more time with them; it's quite another for them to have to cope with NC. Being 'abandoned' - not even considered important enough for birthday cards or the occasional phone call - is devastating. Even the most stable child will have difficulty coming to terms with that as they grow older.

This is contact that isn't based around the best interests of the child. I do think it will be harmful to your DS in the long term because it's continual rejection. I think you need to do something about it. Would mediation be an option? Otherwise when your son gets a bit older he may decide not to see his father at all.

I'd ask EX outright why he isn't involving both his children on the days out. And that if he can't be a good father to piss off.

It's so tough and I really feel for your little boy. When I was with my ex he moved heaven and earth to be with his son despite living 30 miles away and working full time. Although we're no longer together he still manages to see both his eldest and youngest (my DS) in equal measures, never lets them down and is always on the end of the phone for Skype calls etc. He may have been a shitty boyfriend but he's a quality dad. He never prioritised the youngest over the eldest when we were together for the sake of 'new happy families'.

In this case I'd just ask him what he wants to do. Does he want to see DS or not? No bullshitting, no arsing around. Just straight up stick to these conditions or just forget it. Sounds as if he's barely making minimum contact. It's not fair on your DS to be continually rejected by his father and I believe (but don't quote me) that at aged 8 the child has more of a choice as to what he wants to do re: contact. Does your DS want to continue to see his dad?

Thanks all. It’s really hard. I’ve never known my own dad and didn’t want it going down the same route for Ds but sometimes I think no contact would be better than continuously letting him down, being late, changing plans at the last minute and they’ve never let DS build a relationship with his little brother. When my ex does have him, they always go out just the two of them. DS has little to do with his girlfriend or their baby and he never goes to their house. He’s always asking why he can’t go to daddy’s house (I don’t have the answers).

I’m the first to admit that DS can be a handful. He has high functioning asd and he is very active but he is such a sweet, affectionate boy who wouldn’t harm a fly. And the irony is that my ex’s family don’t even believe he has autism so they can’t use that as an excuse not to have him! 😭

My exH is the same. We have three DC and he uses his work as an excuse not to see them plus the fact he can’t drive but he’s always refused to learn... I used to taxi them to his house on a Saturday evening when he’d finished work then have to collect them Sunday morning because he claimed to have work again. I didn’t believe it in all honesty and I now refuse to do it, it’s a waste of everyone’s time and my DC hate going to his house. He’s been with his DP since we split and she has two DC to previous relationships, they seem to be more important than his own DC. My DC do not get along with hers and they live in a small two bedroom house to boot. Never bought my Dc a bed so they had to top and tail, horrid.

Honestly, you could tie yourself in knots getting angry and sad over this. It’s easier sometimes to take some deep breaths and just accept the situation because you sadly can’t change him or force him to be a good Dad. The best thing you could do for your DS is probably to cut the sporadic contact all together. Either he has your DS on set days or not at all, a court would order the same.

At the end of it all contact is for the benefit of the child. Nobody else.

Sporadic v none....people come down on different sides of the fence. I personally believe none is better than sporadic (when I say sporadic I mean as and when the father chooses and 4/5 times a year).

I’d be interested to see how the different outcomes affect DC as they get older