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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband never helps with DD belongings when we go away/out for the day

27 replies

Happyornot · 12/07/2019 18:20

Hi, this is probably me being over sensitive as DH has been doing my head in all day. Basically whenever we go out for the day or packing the car for a weekend away (like this evening) he will expect me to remember everything for my DD (she is 5) and never says “oh don’t forget a coat” or “i’ve put her favourite teddy in the car” etc. So then he’s moaning in the car at me to hurry up and asking me what i’m doing, getting angrier. Then I end up getting in the car or down the road and have forgotten something e.g. an umbrella and it’s meant to rain or her water bottle etc. It really winds me up. I shouted at him tonight saying to stop moaning because if he actually used his brain and started putting things in the car himself or reminding me of stuff, I might be less likely to forget. I am really not a forgetful person, I’m very organised but he has me on edge rushing and blames me if anything has been forgotten. Err she’s both of our child. Anyway AIBU to expect him to at least take some responsibility, I’m just so annoyed at him because he’s been moaning all day? We have a leak in the house since this morning after lots of house things going wrong since January, so he’s more uptight than usual and then the plumber was 45 mins late when we were waiting to leave for a weekend away. Sorry for the essay, I don’t usually post on here but have been following lots of threads recently so thought why not ask you all! :-)

OP posts:
toomuchfaster · 12/07/2019 18:22

Firstly, that's not an essay!!
Secondly, he's a twat.

LemonSqueezy0 · 12/07/2019 18:25

Stop taking responsibility and let him step up. Just say, can you get X ready for x on Saturday.
He sounds like he could do with the opportunity to prove himself...

DillyDilly · 12/07/2019 18:31

Can you take turns - you pack for he this time, he the next. Or if you’re a SAHP, you’ve probably more time to pack. Make a list and duplicate and use one each time you’re going away.

No point two people packing for your DD or reminding each other of items - what will happen is each of you will think the other has it covered.

Though for a 5 yo, it shouldn’t take much of an effort to pack for her and if you forget something, so be it. What do you need really - outfit for each day, toothbrush, spare shoes maybe, a winter or summer coat and a swimsuit if you;re going swimming. (Keep a bag always packed with crayons and paper and bits and pieces and keep in car boot).

Phineyj · 12/07/2019 18:45

YANBU, but if this has been going on 5 years, it'll be hard to change. The time to nip this in the bud is mat leave. Which is not called Organise All The Things Leave.

Original poster
Happyornot · 12/07/2019 19:03

Thanks for your replies. I work 3 days a week (was 4 days until April this year, so am v lucky). I don’t mind packing her clothes, toiletries etc, it’s the last minutes bits like her teddy, coat, sunglasses etc that I have usually put by the door already but then I start tidying something (like pens she had just got out all over the floor while I was upstairs closing the windows) or she has moved them lol. So he’s moaning saying “leave the mess and hurry up, we’re waiting” and then i grab what I remember and sometimes have forgotten something: we drive down the road and i’ll say “oh no, i forgot her sunglasses” and he’ll get angry “arrrgh you’ve been in there all that time, how can u forget them??” as if I am stupid and keeps shouting.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 12/07/2019 19:09

Oh we make lists. Just had a spat because OH used up nearly all the rice, went to pub leaving a chilli in the oven, came back to say oh there is not much rice by the way. He used it up previously, well how the hell am I supposed to know. I just said WRITE IT DOWN ON THE LIST PAD WE HAVE IN THE KITCHEN!!!!

endofthelinefinally · 12/07/2019 19:16

I agree with making lists.
We have done this for years, it is the only way we an remember everything.
I have specific holiday lists/spread sheets for various types of outing/holidays. Not that we travel a lot, but I find it helps for things like UK/beach/self catering etc.
I also have a separate wash bag, toiletries etc permanently packed ready to put in the case, replenished after each trip.

justasking111 · 12/07/2019 19:29

Have used mumsnet packing lists for years, everything piling up in spare room. Religiously ticking everything off as it is gathered together.

www.mumsnet.com/travel/family-holiday-packing-lists

WonkyDonk87 · 12/07/2019 19:41

I remember EVERYTHING I need when I have DD on my own but always end up forgetting stuff when DH is home. I think I take things a bit slower maybe when alone, not sure. My point is that forgetting stuff is universal and normal. The fact that he expects you to take all the responsibility for organising and caring for your child is childish. His child too = equal responsibility.

Original poster
Happyornot · 12/07/2019 20:04

Toomuchfaster just seen your response as bad signal 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyornot · 12/07/2019 20:07

And lemonsqueezy...thanks! We just had a pub dinner so missed some of the responses as the phone signal was bad and was skim reading

OP posts:
Percypigparade · 12/07/2019 20:08

Those are great justasking thanks for the link!

JennyBlueWren · 12/07/2019 20:10

My DH is the same (although he doesn't get angry) and if I specifically ask him to get something he will -but only the very specific thing I say. E.g. packing to go away I asked him to sort the toilletries bag. So he got the toilletries bag but didn't check everything was in it so we ended up having to buy more nappy cream when away.

He mananges to take the children out by himself successfully but when it's all of us I pack for myself and children and he sees to just himself. Next week DS will be going to his parents and I know it'll be me doing the packing. I could ask him to pack but somehow feel that will be a hassle.

When we're away he usually says "where's the x?" which is normally when I realise Ididn't pack the x!

SignedUpJust4This · 12/07/2019 20:10

Ask him why he's assumed it's all. Your responsibility? Does he have no respect for you or is he just a sexist twat? Don't do it next time. Tell him you're ready and sit in the car waiting for him and DD

newmomof1 · 12/07/2019 20:14

Same! It's always "I'm ready to leave. Have you sorted everything for DD?"

Well no because funnily enough I've been feeding her and changing her nappy, getting her dressed etc as well as getting myself ready so maybe you should make sure she has a spare change of bloody clothes 🙄
Rant over 🤣

Crunchymum · 12/07/2019 20:18

Is he normally such a shouty, bossy arsehole?

I don't mind doing the packing, but the moment I am questioned of criticised then I'd never pack again!!

RebootYourEngine · 12/07/2019 20:20

Next time you go anywhere just get yourself ready and leave him to sort himself and your dd.

greenwaterbottle · 12/07/2019 20:37

What about writing a list, general and visit specific. Then you can take it in turns to grab it all.
Wouldn't normally say that but if you're forgetting things it'll help you too.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/07/2019 20:41

Why is it your responsibility to carry all the mental load? .
We have a list. It gets printed off and we tick things as we go. Admittedly it is normally me organising it but if I say I've left everything on the list for you to organise then he does

Percypigparade · 12/07/2019 20:47

To be fair, amiright, that is still an example of a woman carrying the mental load...
As I picked for a recent holiday (he packs his clothes, I pack everything else for three people) I overheard dh saying to his mum about all the stuff we were taking, and saying "if we don't have anything sure we can just buy it there". So not only not doing the packing, but also undermining the work I was putting into it. Angry

Blueuggboots · 12/07/2019 20:50

Are you going to teach your daughter to think of things she might need as well as your husband?

billy1966 · 12/07/2019 20:55

Clearly you are married to a twat. Shouting at you because you have forgotten something. 🙄

Forgetting bits for a day out is the least of your problems.

Focus on sorting out your shouty, abusive husband.

Do not put up with that type of behaviour.

Best of luck.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/07/2019 20:58

I know, he does the mental load for other stuff - school nursery and bills etc so we do share it just not this particular task

possumgoddess · 12/07/2019 20:58

Not quite the same, but I am embarrassed to say that I shouted at my husband last weekend and told him to use his own brain rather than mine when he asked me (yet again) where something was when I was in the middle of doing something else. Why is it that we women (mostly) are expected to know everything!

Original poster
Happyornot · 12/07/2019 21:12

Yes, I do teach my daughter. She chose her books, toys etc. and is quite responsible. For example she’ll say “don’t forget the window is open, we must make sure it’s locked before we go out.
It’s true I carry the mental load. I sorted boiler quotes, new kitchen we had, the plumber today etc, but I actually enjoy that (maybe i’m a control freak?). And my DH does his fair share of having our DD if I want to go out with friends or something, he’s not old fashioned in that way and he always changed nappies etc. Is just certain things that irritate me and he does need to address his anger. Am sure I irritate him as well to be fair, it’s not all one sided.
You are right, next time I will get him to do it and see if he forgets anything and show him I don’t react like a psycho lol. We both were off work today.
I think deep down he is bitter that I now work 3 days a week but those 2 days at home are doing mostly washing, ironing, cleaning, food shopping etc and I sort all the household things. It’s better than working but he wishes he had that time and I do feel guilty at times.
Obviously from 3pm i’m with my daughter which I love

OP posts: