Am I just an awful person?

[dontticklethetoad]

This might be a bit long, so bear with!

I moved to a completely new town about a year ago and in this time I have failed to make a single friend. I moved from somewhere I had lived for a long time (close to where I grew up) . My friendships consisted mainly of old school friends and their partners, women and partners of, who I met at baby groups/school run etc.

My children are reception, year 1 and year 3 so my first step was the usual chatting to mums in the playground etc.
Everyone knew everyone else already and I have failed to make even acquaintances. I have tried to arrange a drink/social evenings via the fb page but while it had a positive start, no one wants to commit to a date.

Next step was my new job. Despite being there 6 months, my boss still can't get my (bog standard, English) name right.
I work in a small team, who have worked on and off together for quite a number of years, so I didn't expect to waltz into their social circle but I have lost count of the times I have seen on fb they are going/have been out together and it hurts (yes, I know its pathetic).

I belong to a book group, women's group, French class and a couple of exercise classes which are fun, but no one wants to do anything outside of the set activities.

What is the worst part is that I am now questioning my friendships from my old town. Over analysing conversations I remember. Were they laughing with me? Or at me?
I am doubting everything about myself, because what if I am just an awful, fucking wanker?

I like to think I am fun, kind and interested in others. I don't monopolise conversations etc etc. I'm fairly well educated.
I do have quite strong views on feminism and the environment, but those aren't the sort of topics I wheel out on first meeting people!
Perhaps I'm just coming across too keen?

TL:DR

Is the OP a wanker? Opinions please.

Can't vote because I'm not sure which way you'll read the vote! If I say YANBU I mean that you aren't unreasonable to feel this way, and I hope it gets better. If I say YABU, I mean that you're not awful.

I just want to add, that I appreciate that there is no way of telling what I'm doing wrong, but the information suggests that it is me rather than every body else and I just wanted to rant

School mums are often awful. I'm a reasonably nice normal person but I'm loathed by some of the mums in dc2 class...you'd think i drown puppies for fun before shagging their husbands the way they are!

Trust me, they're hard work. It's not you.

Have you tried an app like Mush?

You're fine OP btw, it's pretty hard to make friends as we get older I found since we're far busier.

Are you there with a partner? I moved on my own with kids and just pushed myself out of my comfort zone. If I chatted to someone I liked I asked them to meet for coffee. Sometimes a friendship blossomed often it didn’t. I volunteered at school. It seems you are doing all the right things and either have been unlucky with the people or it’s a very boring town! Both my children’s year groups have a weekly standing coffee morning after drop off at a local cafe. Could you try to organise that? And any of your kids play date friends have interesting mums? If you arrange a play date suggest the mum stay for a tea and then I’d be frank and say you’re finding it hard to break in to any of the groups. One on one you may find a sympathetic ear who may take you under their wing.

I think you are very sensible to have joined all the groups you have as these will give you the best chance of making friends. People tend to have very busy lives these days, so maybe they just don't have much time to do things outside of these set times. If I were you I would plug on with the groups, because eventually friendships could grow from these. I would not try to organise any social events - it is possible that you might be coming across as needy to the school mums. However if you hear of someone doing something that might need a bit of organisational help, perhaps you could offer that? As for the work friends - maybe wait until your birthday and then approach them to see if they fancy drinks out.

Stick with it. 6 months after we moved I felt I had no friends, after 12 months they began to gel more.

I really don't think it is appropriate to ask strangers to vote on whether or not you are an awful person.
Most people with try to comfort you and dickheads will be dickheads and you are inviting them to be a dickhead to you.
(I hate this voting thing anyway since it reduces everything to a yes no answer. But that's besides the point)

You ate doing all the right things to build a social life and sooner or later you will click with someone.

My only advice is A) dont force it and B) never ever invite someone to tell you you are horrible

The asking was tongue in cheek really. I am not a snowflake, so can handle the dickheads. Maybe my sense of humour is the problem.

Unfortunately I can't do coffee mornings as I work. I helped organise the school fetes and the teachers Christmas gift.

I have mentioned how hard I am finding it to quite a few people, but it's always met with "oh you'll settle in and make friends soon enough" type comments. I am wary of saying it too much because it might be construed that I'm trying too hard and they feel they have to invite me along.
If someone confided that sort of thing to me, I would ask them out for a drink/invite them to join an activity in a heartbeat.

I think the poster who mentioned people have busy lives is spot on. I have a handful of very special friends, a DH, 3 children and 2 sets of elderly parents ... as well as a full time job.

I simply don't have time to pursue new friendships, however much I like someone when I meet them. It's not necessarily a reflection on you.

Keep going and the right people will be out there I'm sure.

Are your kids making friends? Or joining clubs where you can chat to parents while they play football or whatever? I would try to volunteer as much as possible (groan but it is a way of meeting people) .

Also are you doing any school drop offs or pickups? If not you are obviously much less able to get to know people gradually.

It will come I’m sure but YANBU to feel upset about it. At work maybe suggest an evening out so they can’t possibly leave you out? I’m guessing that’s pure thoughtlessness rather than meanness.

You sound like a lovely person. It's hard to fit into long established groups. People of a certain age get stuck in their ways. I'm sure it's not you.

I feel for you OP. But you're doing all the right things. I'm sure you're not a wanker at all.

I have no practical advice beyond your efforts. Don't let this get you down though. Keep putting yourself out there, make conversation, and hopefully friendships will blossom from there.

Thank you all.

I'm not what I was hoping to get from this. I think I was just feeling dispondant and lonely. Dh is generally lovely (forgets to put the bins out etc etc ) and we do lots of stuff together and with the kids.

We're doing something as a family tomorrow, with my husband's hobby.
I'll make extra effort to make friends

School mums can be difficult op! My first sons year were all really friendly but my second son is just finishing reception and most are a closed book! The luck of the draw I think.

It's so hard! I joined a meet up group and met a lot of people but some just gelled straight away and were doing things outside the group and it made me feel worse.

Making friends as an adult is really tricky at times.

Small towns can be very cliquey, that's why I moved to a city.