DS 16 wants to move to XH as easier option - am furious!

[Kangaroo1970]

I’m so mad but what can I do?

I feel like I’ve grafted and put so much into parenting, and yet what’s the point? I fear DS is throwing away his Exams, his future at Uni, and our good relationship because his Dad has basically told him that it’s okay, he doesn’t have to pass exams as he can come and work for him and live there. DS is bright, but struggles. He just doesn’t like studying, like a lot of kids, but he has potential, all his teachers agree, if he just knuckles down a bit more.

I also feel rejected.

XH lives 300 miles away, and has never been a ‘parent’, more like my sons ‘best mate’ and gives him everything and me nothing. Minimal, missed maintenances, absolutely no parenting, and so nasty and critical of me that I eventually had to go NC. XH works when he feels like it, as he got an inheritance from his Mum, and lives in a house paid for by his girlfriends wealthy parents. So he’s been telling DS that money doesn’t matter, that only do work he loves, that exams are rubbish. He’s also been guilt tripping DS by saying that I’ve had him for his life and he misses him and wants to spend time with him etc.

I’ve been telling DS he’s got to study and his head is just now filled with crap fro his Dad. He will say ‘I just want to go and play PS4’, and every time I talk about what he wants to do, he just rubbishes any job and says ‘it’s got to one he really loves’. He’s moaned to his Dad, and they’ve made a plan for him to go live there!

We broke up when our son was 1 years old. I’ve parented him single handed, with little help, all his life. I am concerned that DS is going to end up like his Dad!

Help! What do I do?!

My sympathies. I know how hard this is.
As hard as it is, though, I think I would call his bluff.
I'm all but certain that he would be back in a month because it does not sound as if his father is going to support him to the extent that you do, and it's easy for the dad to say all that stuff when he doesnt ever have to follow through.
I bet he'd change his tune if he was the one picking up his sons dirty underwear from the bedroom floor.
My exh said similar stuff because he believed I would never allow it. When I said fine, let him live with you, his face was a picture and my son lasted one whole night.
They are both banking on the fact you wont let him go and they can indulge themselves in the mutual fantasy about how much better life would be If he lived with his dad.

I'm afraid your going to have to let him go and hope he doesn't like being there, at 16 he had to learn from his own mistakes

I'd send him now tbh.

Thing is, his dad has something of a point. There is just so much evidence that sacrificing enjoyment to pass your exams like a good little kiddie doesn't actually lead to happiness and success - look at all those obedient graduates now working in shitty call-centre jobs and thousands of pounds in debt to student loan companies.

I think it's fairly understandable that a bright teenager might look around and see this; that the system is broken and that looking for another way to make a life for yourself is a better option.

I do appreciate that this must be awful for you (there is a possibility of my DS going to live with his dad after his GCSEs - though DS dad is a good parent and the reason he might move to his dad's is because there is better 6th form provision near his dad's, but I still find the thought of DS not actually living with me a bit upsetting). But I think you will have to let him go - and bear in mind that he could go back to college later, if he wanted to/needed to.

yeah, people will say it doesn't matter, education doesn't guarantee you a job, but let me tell you, if it is hard for graduates it is much harder for those without qualifications!

Unless he has a clear plan in alternative to getting a degree ( a trade, realistic prospect of own business etc.) I would be worried, too.

I doubt you can stop this.
At 16 he has time to sort himself out and find a career.
I would avoid being the nagging DM whilst His DF is layed back and fun. And appear to be getting on with your life, notbereft and angry, leave DS to find out the negatives of living with DF.

re I don't know in what world you live in that you can get by without even needing basic GCSE grades but can still somehow run a successful business?! This is not 1950. Most people will need the very basic grades for any reasonable job, if they have any hope whatsoever of earning enough money to live comfortably and eventually own a house. I think your advice is well intended, but very misleading. He is likely just to drop out of education altogether and get a dead end job with no prospects.

I would be very, very worried too op, of course, but you need to be smart about the way you approach it.

To the pp who said try reverse psychology, I tried that with my DS, but it didn't work. He still went. And stayed there.

Tell him that it is ok, arrange a trial run over the summer and let him go. I’m sure that if his dad is as bad as you say, he will be back in no time.

This^. I'd be as neutral as I could and say 'Fine, if you're sure that's what you want' and let him know that he's welcome to come home if it doesn't work out. I know your heart is breaking, I totally understand, but it's true about the reverse psychology - the more you try to dissuade him and hold onto him and encourage him to study while his useless waster of a dad is whispering 'Nah mate, don't worry about it', the more likely you are to lose him. Be wise, play the long game and hope he comes back. And if he doesn't, or not immediately, don't despair. Lots of teens fuck up their exams and have to go back and redo them later on. It's not the end of the world. Hopefully one day he'll see that his dad's sweet nothings are just that and that he needs to be learn to stand on his own two feet and be independent.

I'm not actually advocating that the kid drops out of education altogether, just pointing out why it might seem more appealing now than it might have done a few years ago. Because there are so many graduates doing shitty dead-end jobs that it's getting harder to convince the young that they must study when there is no guarantee of it leading to rewards.

As PPs have said, you need to let him go.
If I were you I would insist that he stays at his current school to finish his GCSEs, but offer to let him go to his dad's for an extended period over the summer holidays as a kind of trial run for next year. You might find that he has a great time with his dad and is even more determined to move there next year. Or you might find that he misses you and home, and comes back a bit more contrite and willing to cooperate. However, I think you have to let him make that choice - let him make the mistake of being seduced by his idiot father and taking his mother's support and sensible parenting for granted. It will be heartbreaking. But there is no alternative, you will push him away even more if you dig your heels in.

Have you gone through CMS for child maintenance btw?

I would send him now. It’ll inconvenience his dad no end and send him packing back to yours.

Tell your son: you want to go, you go now. You’recalways welcomed back, I love you, but it’s not a hotel, off you go love.

Lob him over to his Dad's for a long stretch.
See how both of them like them apples.

And when you add in the fact that the government is continually fucking about with the education system to the extent that many qualifications are either unattainable or completely meaningless, it gets even harder to keep parroting the 'work hard and obey and you'll be all right' stuff to DC who are smart enough to see that it isn't all that true.

I think you have no choice.
Tell him how much you love him. You are pleased he is ready to be more independent. He will need to think about earning money anyway, learn to cook, manage his own laundry etc, as his dad will not, of course, be doing any of this for him. He will have a chance to consider his career choices.
Tell him you will always be there for him if he needs you.
f you don't let him go he will always resent you.
Thankfully, education is available lifelong these days.
Yes, he does need to be in education or apprenticeship until age 18, but that will now be his dad's responsibility.
Make sure you inform his school, in writing, that this is the case. Then any fines will be directed to his dad.

I would ask him how will he know what 'the job he loves' is if he cannot try anything because he does not have that the basic requirement of 5 GCSEs?. Yes, he may be an entrepreneur or live off an inheritance or a rich girlfriend like his dad, but he may also want to go to university as a mature student, or train to be anything and its all a lot harder without the basic.
I think an apprenticeship might work, but surely he will need some quals to get on them?

You study for yourself if you can't, or wont, do that then you have to live with the consequences. Look at it this way OP you can spend the next few years fighting him (won't make him study) or let him make his own way in life, with support (moral) when he asks for it.

Let him do a trial run at dad's this summer. He can ask dad if he can go for the six weeks, and see if dad and gf say yay or nay. Explain that he will have to come home after the six weeks, as he legally has to be in education, but he can go back to dad's after he has finished his GCSEs. And follow it through! I suspect he will have had enough of dad and g very quickly. And always make it clear that your door is always open to him, but don't make it sound like you expect him to fail.

Is the Dad perhaps after child benefits and a maintenance payment from you? Get the finances sorted ASAP.

Can you change the criteria? Make it that he has to get good GCSE results before he can move to his DF's. So moving is a reward for succeeding rather than a reward for failure.
Are there any relatives that he trusts and that could point out to him he might be being foolish? I agree you can't stop him but maybe someone else could make him think a bit about how much you've done, how little his DF has participated in his life, etc.They could also point out that he's unlikely to benefit from his DF's gf's wealth so he can't replicate his DF's life and will need to earn.

Is there anyone on your side of the family, or a family friend or other adult he respects that could talk to him? I remember when I was set on moving to my useless dad's and polarising my mum as the source of all things boring and bad, a crack team of my Granny and honorary auntie managed to change my mind.

Totally back off on the exams. It’s the pressure he is wanting to run away from and the rest sounds like bravado to me. If he says he doesn’t care, he won’t lose face if he fails.

You’re driving him away by putting him under pressure.

Let him make his mistakes. If he fails his exams he will find that he needs to do them again at some point.

Put your relationship first and the rest will follow.

Are you in the UK, does your son and DH realise that he will have to stay in some sort of education or training until he is 18 even if he goes to work for his Dad the job will have to include some sort of training eg an apprenticeship or something similar and if he doesn't get maths and English gcse he will have to retake them. So moving in with his Dad won't mean that he can get away complely from education.
I would back off a little about the exams and working for a while though, he may genuinely feel anxious or he may be lazy but you can't make him work unless he wants to. Teenagers are very stubborn. And he may be resisting just to annoy his Mum. He may change his mind next year.

I agree - let him go this summer to get a taste for it. He will probably discover that home is best.

A teenage family member recently came over to the U.K. from her home in Ireland to stay with her dad & his gf for the summer. Like you, her mum was gutted and worried that she would love the freer, more plush lifestyle. It lasted an entire 10 days and she’s back home now, a little wiser and a little more appreciative of her boring home and mum!

Let him know you don’t think it is what is best for him.
Tell him you love him, and he is always welcome back.