DH or DS?

[Toomuch999]

DH loves his 13yo dd and 15yo ds. Takes them out, tries to enjoy their company but gets stressed tbh. Spent hours and hours with them as younger kids playing, teaching, providing for them etc, but now they’re teens the relationship is changing. He knows it, acknowledges it, teaches the age group even, but still struggles. Essentially a good man, had shit parenting himself, who tries hard, is physically generous but emotionally selfish I would say, defensive. Finds it difficult to relinquish control.

More of a wwyd but when this man clashes with the dcs, especially ds, and I know he is in the wrong but won’t admit it, what’s an appropriate course of action? I can’t ‘support’ him as his actions are inappropriate and inconsiderate of their growing personalities - the main reason it happens is when he perceives a challenge - and yet if I criticise his behaviour it demeans him in their eyes. They also love him, and respect him most of the time.

I can see the background to his behaviour, is it a betrayal to ask them to excuse it? It’s a recurring theme but is only a part of their relationship, doesn’t define it.

Opinions please from anyone who has negotiated this minefield with dh’s and ds’s.

i had this problem with dh and dss [18], i now pull up dh about it in private, and it is getting slowly better, i don't make excuses for dh's snippy comments and behaviour any more and it seems to work as a result.

another thing to note like in the animal world, the lion could find himself completing with his growing cubs reaching sexual maturity, it's like a completion to be top dog so to speak. - dh and dsst o a tee, but i'm showing dh there is room for both there is no need for the jealousy aspect.

Does your husband recognise this about himself?

I suggest talking to him privately and discussing how best to approach it.

I think it's OK to disagree with him in front of the children, without 'criticising' him, per se. Eg your child says they want xyz, your husband says no, you say I think... Framing it as a discussion towards a resolution, rather than a contradiction.

I sent dh to counselling. He had no idea how to parent a nearly teen dd and I had reached the end of my tether trying to mediate.

He’s not perfect but he does try and is improving.

I still worry a bit about what we went through before we got to that point.