To cut the holiday short?

[anotherncsorry]

We are on holiday in the U.K. with DCs aged 1 and 4. The 4yo has ASD, I am their f/t carer, and we've had a tough year of sorting out diagnosis, therapy and EHCP for them. Among all that we were also dealing with the demands of a new baby. DH suddenly became very much in demand in his line of work due to significant success. We also bought a house.

I am burnt out. Everybody says so, GP, therapists, friends, but the general things to help like resting more, cutting down on workload etc are not really possible in my situation. I'm picking up lots of minor things like cystitis, upset stomach etc because my body is exhausted. Plus DH is working all the time and cannot take over the reins.

So we come on holiday. I'm the driver in our family, but I am a very anxious driver. When we get here all my anxieties are triggered at once, possibly by the long drive. For the first few days I am very panicky and finding it difficult to relax at all.

Last night I finally started feeling a little bit more relaxed, but was really tired from a long day with the DCs. I took myself to bed at about 9pm, and read in bed for a while. DH comes through to ask if I want to have sex with him. I say no, that I am tired and have just recovered from cystitis. Also that the antibiotics might have interfered with the contraceptive pill I'm on. He says he will pull out. I say no, I am really tired. He says I thought you had a good day? I just want to make the most of it. I say for the third time that I am tired. He goes off to the living area to sulk.

After about twenty minutes I turn the light off. He calls through nastily 'NIGHT THEN'. Then tells me he just feels 'so alone'.

This morning I am just so upset with feeing like I am constantly disappointing him, and tired of trying to explain how tired I am. He says he gets it, but he doesn't.

I just want to go home. DCs wouldn't care either way. AIBU to take us back?

Your DH is an arse, you do realise that? He'll still be an arse if you go home. Being away is not the issue.

He wants sex when you're clearly exhausted and the first minute you have to yourself he thinks you'll be up for it (he wants to make the most of it - for HIM!) and sulks when you're not? He needs to cut back on his work, pull his weight and then maybe you won't be so tired for sex.

Right now it seems he only sees you as carer/cleaner/cook/shag, which is quite sad

You poor thing, can you get some alone time, go for a coffee/walk? Leave him with the children for a few hours

do you want to have sex with me ? bloody hell, what a charmer, say hello to your wrist mister and grow up !

but the general things to help like resting more, cutting down on workload etc are not really possible in my situation.

Why not? If he's working so hard. then pay for help. Pay for a cleaner, childcare, nanny, whatever you need.

Why doesn't he even drive?

He needs a better work-life balance and to actually take on some of the parenting load. Selfish twat.

Could you go for a drive? (or bus or walk if you're too anxious for driving) just take some time to yourself and clear your headspace a bit. Your DH is a bell end, and going home isn't going to change that. However if you're sure your DC won't care and you're still feeling the same after a bit of space, I'd consider going home either this evening or first thing tomorrow.

In regards to the holiday, there's an autism friendly caravan in Haven Cala Gran that might be worth a look for you. You'll find it if you google Alan and Jenny's autism friendly caravan. Loads of pictures on their Facebook page, they have more than one. We went last year and are going back in a few weeks to their newest caravan. My DS loved it, so much for him to do inside if he's had a hard day and doesn't feel up to going out. Just something that makes a UK break a bit easier on you

Reading is something I am slowly learning to do for myself again after a year of not being able to. I was so pleased with myself for being able to follow that book. And so cosy in that bed. Then he just made me feel awful and guilty for it.

Wow. He needs to learn what it's like to be on call for the DC 24/7. You are not his mummy, there to satisfy his needs. It's supposed to be team work. DH and I nearly split up at this stage in our marriage (also with one ASD child and I was run ragged with no sleep, not eating, constant infections and depression) He had to muck in. As soon as he pulled his weight things changed massively for the better for both of us. He was living in a bubble just like your DH. It is a real stress point on a marriage when you have two young DC and the man is out all day thinking a fecking commute and lots of meetings are the tough end of the wedge. I know which is easier.

Thank you @growlingbear - you get it.

Don't feel guilty, feel pissed off that he's a selfish git who'd rather get his end away than give you a minutes rest and now you have to deal with a sulky twat on top of everything else.

Tell your DH that if he wants sex he's got to REALLY work on his lead up, foreplay 1000%..... small acts of kindness during the day, cheeky winks, telling you you're pretty, making lunch and washing up, paying for meals out, making the bed, hugs, no strings hugs .......all this stuff when someone's on a low ebb really helps. Just presenting himself in the bedroom and asking for it, is amateurish and crap. He needs to up his game IMO.

Yes I would go home and leave them to have a holiday on their own.

Tell him he'll 'catch' your cystitis if you have sex! And that if he ever wants sex again, he needs to nurture you so your bits recover.

Tell him you're having a days holiday to recover, and he needs to take charge of the kids for today. Then leave him to it.

But yes, if he's working so much more, then he needs to pay for help to make up for the stuff he's no longer doing. After looking after you and the kids today, he should now understand how hard it actually is.

Unless he lives a decent number of consecutive days in your shoes he will never understand. This seems like an ideal opportunity to do that. Go home leave as many kids with him as possible.

You might feel like sex when you next see him but he will understand tiredness.

He’s an arse, but it’s a pity to cut the children’s holiday short. Take yourself off for the day and let him see what it’s like having to deal with everything.

I'm sorry but I don't agree. Looking after 2 children is not easy but it shouldn't be so hard that you unable to enjoy life.

Could your anxiety be at the pit if the problem? Anxiety is exhausting. Maybe you need to consider your level of anxiety and the effect it has on you and your family.

Of course you shouldn't be forced to have sex when you don't want to but it is also dad that you should be do tired that you can't enjoy some quality time with your husband after the kids are in bed and rather read a book. It's understandable he'd feel alone and disheartened.

You need to talk and find ways to help you regain some zest in life.

If your DH has has some career success, are you in a position to pay for help, cleaner, nursery for the baby etc?

Agree with PP re: helping though. If YOU are doing it all, how will you ever mentally get back to a place where you feel 'well' enough and have enough energy to want sex!?!? He needs to pull his weight with day to day things so that it takes the pressure off you

Do you have a disabled child @swingofthings?

YANBU
I'm always exhausted and people generally think a good nights sleep will sort it out (it won't). Sulking is shit and will have the opposite of the desired effect your DH is after. Can't you leave him with the kids for the afternoon and go and read your book somewhere?

Offer to drop him and the kids at a soft play or a beach today and take yourself off for a few hours on your own. That's only a start but it would do you good. Then sit him down and talk through how things need to change when you get home.

Just breathing has it - go home and leave them on holiday

Go home and leave him there. Selfish arse. @swingofthings I don't think you do have a disabled child do you, it's fucking hard work. My son has sensory processing disorder and potentially autism not diagnosed. All you want to do in the evening is just flop on the sofa and do nothing!

Being a primary carer to an autistic child is bloody hard and lots of us are in a constant state of burnout. Ignore Swing.

Have you claimed DLA yet? If not then claim it and use that money to help out a bit. Pay a cleaner if you can.

As for your husband, he needs a good grounding in being the primary carer for a while so he sees thing from your side of parenting.

Finally, go home, leave him there if he wants to stay and he can get the train home. You might actually find husband free time quite freeing. I love my husband dearly but I cope much better on my own with my autistic son, I'm far more relaxed. Not sure why but there you go.

Good luck and have an un-mumsnetty hug or two.

Don't go home. Go and talk to him. Tell him you are sorry he feels alone but you feel alone every day going with the children. Tell him if he wants sex, you need to feel human again so would like a day to yourself. Plan a day out for yourself in the car. Leave your DH with the children . Give instructions, leave food etc but fo out for the day alone. Tell your DH not to fall unless.it is an emergency ( with blood involved). When you come home see how he has coped and use that as an opportunity to discuss how it feels for you.

He needs to step up.and do.more, regardless of his job.