About reaction to disclosing past DA/ EA?

[Mistley]

My relationship with my DCs dad was very dysfunctional. We got together very quickly, an accidental pregnancy then happened and we spent the next few years unhappily locked together for financial and practical reasons until we finally separated..this was 10 years ago. However while we were still together he was pretty fucking awful to me. Lots of EA, gaslighting, throwing things, breaking things, making threats and at its worst physical abuse (spitting on me, shoving and hitting me).

During the relationship I disclosed to a couple of friends what had happened. They were very dismissive of it all and basically said that as my partner was looking after us financially I should just suck it up. They didn't acknowledge any of it was wrong.

After a long period of being single (happily so) I met someone who I am very compatible with, who supports and encourages me and who I am generally very happy with. However...

I have mentioned my ex, and some of what went on. Not gone in to massive detail or anything. But I have told him enough that he knows my ex was a total tosser.

I thought that his response would be sadness, or anger, or something. Instead he was pretty non committal and said shit happens or something along those lines.

I don't feel either of these responses from friends or my new partner is 'right'...AIBU to feel a bit hurt by what feels like a dismissal of my experience?

Is there any chance you were minimising what happened when you told any of those people? Did you use euphemisms or skirt over stuff or refer to things vaguely? If so, it's possible they simply didn't register quite how seriously abusive this man was.

Unless there's been some big misunderstanding, there's no excuse for shitty/dismissive responses when someone discloses domestic abuse.

I don't think I was minimising. With friends it was contemporaneous, I showed them bruises etc. With my partner obviously it is many years later but althpugh I didn't go into graphic detail I did explain that he would often caĺ me names, and about him spitting on and hitting me.

It does feel hurtful. With friends at the time I was disappointed but got over it. However now this with my partner is worse somehow.

You're not being unreasonable at all! Who are these people?!?! I'm so sorry to hear that you've had that response which just reinforces the negative emotional/phycological impact of any kind of abuse in the first place... I would be very concerned about what my new partner deemed acceptable behaviour if he wasn't outraged by what you've described. Abuse is abuse and is never ok, your friends need educating. 💖

I have been in my current relationship for over 20 years, the two prior to that were both around 3 years. Children from relationships 2 & 3.

Partners 2&3 were told about my previous SA.

Partner 2 tried to use what I had disclosed as 'ammunition' prior to and after breakup.

Current DP (partner3) gets really upset (for me) and whilst admittedly knowing it is utterly irrational says he feels guilty he couldn't protect me even although it happened about 10 years before we met.
We don't talk about it much but over the years he has been supportive and suggested counseling etc when I was struggling emotionally or mentally.

I guess your OH having a breakdown during sex due to flashbacks might make the seriousness of what happened more obvious than them saying "I was in a bad relationship" BUT if you told him what you've told us

I did explain that he would often caĺ me names, and about him spitting on and hitting me

Then YES, a response other than "shit happens" would be expected.

Maybe he doesn't quite get the after effects of that kind of abuse, maybe he doesn't want to accept you were hurt because he doesn want to think of someone he cares about hurting, maybe in his mind DV/DA is only DV/DA if you end up in hospital or dead (I had a friend who's parents told her this when she asked for help!? )
Maybe he's just an arse.

You could try talking to him again and say how confused you were by him brushing off your distress and asking him to discuss his thoughts at the time of your disclosure?

I'd definitely think a different response would be the norm and unless he had a good explanation of his response, I'm not sure I would be happy to continue in a relationship with someone who minimised (saw nothing wrong?) with what you had been exposed to

OP, I would try to find something about EA to give your partner to read, so that he's able to understand this is a real thing and not just you trash-talking an ex. If he still doesn't get it, leave him, but I would give him a chance to get a clue first, probably.

Could it be that you're repeating a pattern of getting close to people that don't treat you with respect?

Those reactions are not ok at all and I would not be able to love someone who had no reaction to that kind of disclosure. I'd be heartbroken if I was told something like that about someone I love.

I think his reaction is a warning sign. It’s not a normal reaction at all and I would question what kind of person he is and whether the relationship should continue.

I told my husband about things from previous relationships more than a decade before I even met him and he was sad (that I had experienced such things) and angry (at the abusers).

It hurts when somebody who professes to love/care for you is so unreasonably dismissive.

The ‘friends’ I have no words for except to say they were not your friends. Telling you to suck it up because he was providing for you? Are they stuck in the 1950’s?

As for your current DP. I can relate. I had a very messy break up with an exP, he systematically removed my friends and family from my life, broke me down mentally until I was a ghost of my former self. When I started to wake up and snap back he got violent. I escaped, my finances in tatters because of numerous joint loans he’d gotten that I hadn’t been aware of (I was young and far too naive). I’ve been free of this man for years, but what he did to me will still come back to haunt me.

I have a lovely DH now, far from perfect (who isn’t?) and when I first opened up to him about my ex he was also quite noncommittal in his reply. I was gutted and considered that to be the end of us.

But then I decided to take one more stab at it, explained not only what my ex did to me but how it affected me then and continues to affect me to this day (though nowhere near as frequently or intensely). I told him that I was still in the process of regaining who I was because my ex had broken me down completely.

After sharing that information with him (it hurt me a lot to relive it and he could see how much) he apologised for brushing it off before. He explained that what I had told him had made him feel angry (on my behalf) and helpless (because there’s nothing he could do) also it worried him that I might’ve been rushing into things with him (as some people do) to patch myself up and that when I had, I’d finish with him.

If your DP is usually a warm and caring man it’s quite possible he was so taken aback by what you told him, he didn’t have anything but a (crappy) default response? Has he shared any information on his previous relationships, is there any chance he too had an abusive ex but isn’t ready to deal with the mental load of it?

I’m spitballing here, but if you think this guy is worth it (which I guess you do as those who have been through what we have it takes a lot to open up to somebody new), try again. Say you’d like to discuss it further but don’t just drop it all on him at once without warning, sometimes people clam up - it’s not ideal and his response was hurtful, so YANBU to feel hurt and disappointed.

If he repeats his dismissive attitude, only you can decide what to do next.

I hope you get to a good resolution OP and good luck

PS it takes so much courage to trust somebody with what you have shared - I’m so sorry that you have experienced such indifference OP

In an ideal world you shouldn’t have to handle your DP with ‘kid-gloves’ when you were the one who went through so much turmoil. I didn’t want you to think I was condoning his reaction or in anyway blaming you for the situation. Just wanted to share what my experience was and how I handled it in case it helps at all xx

Thanks all. I've been a little disingenuous in that I've already had a further discussion about it with my partner...we've actually now split for several reasons other than this. But when we discussed it again he asked what did I expect him to say? He said being angry wouldn't help. He said he didn't like it and thought my Ex was a tosser...but he had no emotion about it really. No anger, no sadness, nothing.

I did feel in our relationship that a lot revolved around him, and this kind of proved it. Thanks for confirming what I suspected that none of this was right.