Support worker making rude comments AIBU to be offended?

[mamaandthegirls]

Basically I have been assigned a support worker recently due to MH problems / bpd / PND. I have 2 DD’s and currently struggling with very low mood / suicidal thoughts etc so have my support worker come once a week to see what support she can offer us as a family. We have only met her 3 or 4 times so far, and today she came over to visit.
Basically my DD1 has been offered some sessions for nursery during summer hols to help my mood. Today she told me she’s busy so hasn’t managed to sort out funding for summer hols club and told me it can take up to 6 weeks for funding to process. Nursery have told her that she needs to do it ASAP as spaces are limited during the summer, she began ranting and raving saying that the nursery DD1 goes to is disorganised in sorting things out (feel like she’s the disorganised one).
Then when I asked if the funding would be ready in time for summer she said “probably not, so you’re just going to have to cope on your own for a few weeks while I sort it.” As already stated, my mood is low so struggling to cope with daily life and the children. Just found that a bit upsetting the way she phrased it, but maybe I’m bring too sensitive.

Lastly, we were chatting about makes my confidence low, she said that weight was something she finds makes her confidence low and said “you are over weight so have you thought about maybe doing something to boost your confidence?” Obviously I found that incredibly hurtful and made me feel worse. I just don’t know if I should get someone else or just suck it up and deal with it.

If its early help and the step before social services they are ofsteded. That means they have to follow their procedures and their Ofsted is far more rigorous than a schools inspection. Their Ofsted result has an impact on their funding.

It also means its through the council. Go on your local authorities website and search for complaints. There should then be different options for different departments. Make a complaint and they will get back to you. There are steps to take after if you're not happy with the result.

Please make a complaint, this person should not be working in early help. Imagine what other damage she is causing to other people!

Bloody hell, that's awful. Definitely complain.

Sorry but I don’t quite get this. Are you all saying it’s taboo to talk about weight even when it could be contributing to health problems?

She's saying it's bloody well rude to call someone out on their weight! Which it is! Especially someone with low mood and PND and from someone who's meant to help her feel better.

Definitely complain ASAP. She sounds horrible.

Midgebabe, its fine to offer advice and support regarding weight loss if that is what the person wants but it is certainly not ok to make unwelcome and insulting comments.

She sounds like she is a tough love kind of support worker which to be fair does work for some. From this she sounds quite rude but in some aspects she's probably right, being overweight can affect mood and exercise particularly running is proven to help people with mental health issues to manage symptoms - there's just a way of putting it. She sounds like she sees clients all day and people aren't trying to help themselves which is frustrating her, she probably isn't in the right job!

Sorry you are going through a tough time but you can take some steps to get your life back on track, look ahead to September and sort out childcare (if you are low income 15 hours a week term time kicks in at 2)

@MIdgebabe no it’s not.
What isn’t acceptable is make a person feel guilty that they are overweight when they are low and suicidal.
There is a time and place for everything and that wasn’t one of them.

Also the support worker wasn’t giving some health advice. She was sharing HER experience and was then expecting the OP to follow through. I have yet to see a GP advise weight loss for being suicidal....

@stucknoue losing with and exercising are two different things.
And to be able to exercise, you need to be able to get out of the house which isn’t always possible when you have MH issues.

I’d be very careful about branding that sort of advice to someone who clearly has COMPLEX mental health issues because you are likely to make things 100x worse for them because you haven’t a clue and are giving totally inappropriate advice.

Besides, that’s not the role of the support worker. The OP will have a GP, CPN, consultant who ARE the right people to give her the RIGHT lifestyle advice for her.

She's in the wrong fucking job. How appalling. I'd be asking for a new support worker, I'm not sure she deserves the title. to you, I hope you're feeling much better soon, it must be very hard.

OP that is absolutely awful. You are right- she is horrible and rude. You deserve much more.
I have similar experiences so I can relate a little (different service but home visitor being awful etc). If at all possible try to ask for another worker instead.
I’m upset on your behalf.
Perhaps other people could give you support during the summer? Any playschemes you could approach yourself? So sorry that you are having difficult times.

@MIdgebabe no I am not saying it is taboo to talk about weight, but it is the way she chose to word it by saying “you are overweight” maybe she could have said something a little bit more tactful.

Good grief! So she is supposed to ‘support’ you but is, in fact making you feel much, much worse! What a ridiculous situation! It’s like a plumber who is afraid of pipes or a surgeon who cant stand the sight of blood! She is total shit at the very job she is doing. Definitely complain! Just think how wonderful it would be to have someone who actually does the job well and is not inept (the summer paperwork - wtf?!) and rude.

@stucknoue I have actually been racking my brains all day wondering why she seemed so blunt with me yesterday when the other times she was fine, I guess it is because she’s frustrated when others don’t help themselves as you said. It’s just upsetting the way she worded things.

The thing with the nursery hours isn't that awful. Community working is difficult, you often find that you have your fingers in too many pies, the service is so stretched.

You are not her only family, she may be going through a difficult few weeks where a lot of her safeguarding families are kicking off and it can have an obvious knock on affect on her other less needy families.

If I was you, if you have the confidence I would speak to her about it on her next face to face contact. If not I would speak to your health visitor instead.

@stassy123 no it isn’t awful but nursery have been kind enough to allow DD to have a few sessions in the summer, but she won’t be allowed if my support worker doesn’t hurry and and do the funding.

I get that, but your support worker may be stretched between lots of families with complex needs and has to prioritise her work load. Or maybe she's just abit crap. Who knows!

She sounds like an unsympathetic person and i dont understand why someone like that would enter such a caring profession. Please request someone else op.

@MIdgebabe no it's not ok to mention someone's weight unless they ask you. The exceptions are medical professionsals who are specifically tasked with helping you improve your PHYSICAL health. This person does not fit into that category. It's fairly clear to anyone with an ounce on empathy that calling her overweight is unlikely to make her feel less suicidal. I hope you aren't in a caring profession yourself.

Can i just add that you should be really proud of yourself for getting help. I had pnd and asking for help is the biggest hurdle. You have done this. You are clearly a fab parent putting your childrens needs first and they will thank you for it one day

Your weight is not a priority now and if you cared too much about it you wouldnt have your priorities straight.

How old is you dd? If over 2 for September nursery you could apply for FEET funding, most councils let you do this online, I’m sure you would be eligible

Actually @Sunshine93 in my LA support workers, social workers ect have training through the public health dept to speak to people about their weight along with smoking ect.

This support worker put her own issues on the op and didn't speak about it in a supportive way. That's not to say other support workers don't speak about weight.

She's quite dangerous she should not use vulnerable people to get an income when she is soo bad at it. People often do this and I'm sick of it from dodgy midwife's to awful benefits people. There should be better policies in place to deal with it. You have to be pretty scummy to treat the disadvantaged poorly.

@Freddiefox I’ve never heard of that, I will have a look into that, thanks.

Just an update: support worker still hasn’t sorted funding out for DD’s summer hols club, so we just paid £240 out of our pocket so she would have a few sessions. Now my support worker is off for 2 weeks on holiday, so knew funding wouldn’t have been done in time for summer hols...

“you are over weight so have you thought about maybe doing something to boost your confidence?”

"Oh I dunno 'Support' Worker ... maybe you'd like to type up a list of all the things you think are wrong with me so I can feel bad about them too ..."

FFS OP that is outrageous!
She's there to help boost your confidence, not destroy it. If she saved her breath from nasty remarks she might have more time to sort out the childcare funding.

The best suggestion I have is to try & maximise what this woman CAN do for you. Do you feel up to letting her know that you are not finding the personal remarks helpful? That you feel let down that the summer funding is going to come in too late to help with the holiday period?
She is there to SUPPORT you & that mean LISTEN to you. So open up. Tell her you lost sleep over her remarks. That you were disappointed when she cancelled. How much you appreciated the mood-lifting drive out. And KEEP talking until you have both got a good picture of what is helpful to you & what is not.

Oh good grief - I skimmed this & had thought it was some random troll comment, but now I see it is the so-called Support!
“my manager would not agree to that, because if you can’t cope with your children all the time then they should be in care.”

This is twaddle OP.
Every mother has times when she feels she can't/won't cope.
Unless you feel you can challenge her directly to start being more positive & helpful, yes, that's a destructive enough comment to be raised with the woman's manager.
PP above has suggested how to find out who to speak to - or, as I am assuming you still have a weekly contact with the Support woman, next time she opens her gob & something unfortunate comes out of it, you could coolly say "I'm going to need to know the name of your manager because you seem unable to speak to me appropriately".

Keep on looking forward OP. I appreciate how challenging this feels when you are already under par. It WILL get better & you do NOT have to placidly accept this woman's crap.

Have you spoken to anyone about her yet?

She’s not a magic genie but she’s not supposed to make you feel worse!